Visiting Grandma

I haven’t had the best visits to Freeport since my Grandma’s been sick and gone, but I know I have to get better at visiting her every time I arrive and leave here.

Today I apologized to her. I know I’ve messed up and I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do. I then promised her that I would do better. Emotionally, financially, family and relationship wise; all of it! I’m going to improve starting today.

I know she’s with me everyday but I wanted to get as close to her physical form as possible today. It’s hard to speak to her without crying. It’s hard to lose the only person you feel loves you and cares. I never thought life would be this way, but I won’t give up because it is.

Today is a day of rededication. A rededication to my gift, my purpose and my growth.

Thanks for the talk, Grandma. I love you.

Love Thoughts

The glaring thought of this morning is Love.

We want to have love. We want to feel love. We want to be accepted and treated with love. We want our love to be understood and reciprocated.

It’s hard to deal and process when the love isn’t returned. Then add your expectations. People expect to be loved without communicating how to love them. Some people have a brand of love that gets communicated and then it gets ignored. You will find in life that people don’t want to love you as you want to be loved.

The layers of love: The love of a passion or craft. The love for a child. The love to and from a significant other. Love to and from a parent. It’s all different, but still under the operative word, love. Different mindsets, urges and emotions, but they circle the blocks of the same city.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a woman’s love. Never has that love been unconditional. No matter what, we are all looking for unconditional love.

Unconditional love is the love of you now and later. It’s loving the consistency and the changes. The plain and the pivots. There is no judgement or second guess. It’s the loving through anything that Will Smith talked about. That love is what we all want, but few are willing to give.

Never be turned off by love.

Night Thoughts Before Meditation

I’m mentally checked out and emotionally angry… I don’t understand what the current period of life means, but I will ultimately do what’s best for me.

I’ve dealt with a heavy burden of making people happy because of the position they’ve held and I didn’t get much in return. People will sometimes overstate their contribution, especially when it’s some shit you never asked for. Makes you hate to see people coming. Has your mood and feelings down when they’re around.

Some people are so self centered that they they don’t even have the peripheral vision to see beside themselves.

Just thinking out loud before I meditate. I can’t allow my mind to get the better of me. These few words are only the beginning on a story that may be in its final chapter.

Goodnight.

To Be…

To have my smile be infectious to a heart and be reflected

For my playful nature to be accepted. Release tension and be connected with

To be warm, carefree and calm

A detour from the world and the wrong that’s going on, is what I want.

To ignite genuine happiness being free as my thoughts allow

Never holding back a piece of myself never ceasing or dialing down.

Living, connecting, understood, appreciated.

Not cause of my title, but because of my being. To my core be celebrated.

I long to be like the pics I’ve seen. No contingency or complications.

I thought I had the pics I’ve seen, but the feeling is lost or deflated.