Why you acting so shy? Why you so quiet? Two things that I got asked for probably 10-15 years of my life. A lot of times my response would be something like “I just have nothing to say” or “I don’t really know them/you like that”. I don’t see anything wrong with being “quiet” or speaking when being spoken to. Sometimes it’s the best way to stay out of trouble or reveal the people you don’t need to be around.
I think back to times when I did “say something” and got ostracized and criticized. Like the time I warned my cousin some girls were going to jump her at school. Somehow that turned into “Cameron is a gossip and starting stuff with girls.” Even my mom came at me sideways about that. I felt that if I said nothing, that would be the bigger crime. That really hurt my feelings. Adults slandering me at 14-15 years old because I was trying to do the “right thing” crush my spirit unbelievably. Then to have my mom co-sign and chastise me on top of it all. Shattered my soul. In a way, I never really got over the feelings that situation gave me. I don’t purposely reach out or speak to anybody that blamed me for that situation. I won’t be rude, but I won’t smile and be accessible either.
I also think back to when one of my homey’s in an inadvertent way was trying to tell me “Out here, girls ain’t feeling that shy guy stuff.” It was wild coming from a person that actually wanted the girl I had at one time. Also wild coming from a person that really wasn’t known to have girls like that. To frame all this correctly, we hung out with some of his new friends in his new town. I think it was two ladies and another dude. You know how some people start off cool and then reveal the real deal? Well that didn’t happen this time. The vibe was instantly off for me. I wasn’t feeling anybody on any level and therefore, I didn’t speak much. I kind of just chilled in my own world. What’s wild is that actually rubbed them the wrong way. If I remember right one girl implied that I was “arrogant” or “think that I’m better than them” because I wasn’t going out of my way to talk and be social. I just replied, “No. It’s not that. I just don’t really say much around new people.” That then lead to my “talk” the next day. Part of me wanted to be like “There’s nothing you can tell me about conversing with women, because I’m not even sure you’re not a virgin.” That would have been mean and ruined the weekend. So I just said “Oh yeah?…ok.” I was real passive the rest of my time there and definitely left earlier than he or I expected. I never needed “help” or “advice” on how to engage with a woman. More than likely, I’m the one being approached. So there’s no need for me to be outgoing. My vibe and aura attracts people to me. That’s why historically people really dig me or they really do not. I’m fine with either choice.
As time and life go on, I realized that part of me is introverted. I do get a little nervous or queazy at times when I’m preparing to meet new groups of people. Before concerts, my hands would get ice cold when I would pick up a saxophone or a mic. My voice cracks and looses it’s dark sultry luster sometimes when I’m speaking in a new environment. I don’t like being the center of attention. I feel stares and it makes me slightly insecure. I feel that way because I’m not sure if I’m being admired or judged. I’m always one of the biggest things in the room. Sometimes the biggest and blackest thing and it gives me a little anxiety. Add that to the way I may have my hair or how I choose to style myself and I can be the ultimate sore thumb at times. As I get older, embracing that silent command for attention has gotten better, but it’s never 100% “cool”.
I’m the guy at the party, club or bar that is in the corner, on the wall or at the bar enjoying a drink, eating food and singing all the songs I know and having a good time. All by myself. Even when I don’t go alone or meet up with the team you can find me in that situation. I’m an only child from Freeport, Illinois. All I do is make the best of a situation. I was raised to create my own fun. I enjoy me more than anything or anyone else. I was raised latchkey by circumstance. I have no other brothers or sisters from my mom, so I’ve spent hours upon hours alone and figuring it out. It’s part of my fabric. I won’t say I’m never in the middle of the dance floor going in, but the vibe has to be right for that to happen. No matter what the “outer” says on the inside, I’m having a ball!
Everyday I’m in my own world thinking of national interviews I’m going to do in the future, song lyrics, spitting my own fire freestyles or remembering great TV, movie and WWE moments. I’m doing this while being at a desk or amongst a group of people saying absolutely nothing. The world in my mind is so dope! I wish many of you can see and hear it. It’s really a wonderful place.
Things like band, rapping, giving scholarship speeches, winning awards and being in media have helped me hop out that shell more than I used to but it’s indeed still there. At the risk of sounding arrogant, if I make an attempt to speak to you, you must be special. Something has drawn me to you and I don’t mind the exchange. All my friends are friends for life. Even in a fall out we can fall right back into place. I don’t have a desire to know everyone in the world. Even with these post, the world as a whole will truly never know me. Years of me peeling back the layers of who I am have made me comfortable. That comfort is only revealed to few. It’s not an attempt to be mysterious. It just a guarding of my heart, spirit and happiness. People will steal your time, energy and ideas. Trust me on that. That’s why some of my subtle introverted moments are cherished and appreciated by me and no one else.