Throwing My Life Away

Today was the epitome of bittersweet. Only problem is I’m not sure what to define as sweet. I spent the bulk of my day throwing away a lot of time moments and memories into a dumpster. It was like saying “Cam. You’re life was trash. Let’s do away with it forever.” Maybe that’s an extreme stance to take, but it’s literally how I felt. I may be a hoarder or a “pack rat” but to a degree, I think it’s cause of how I grew up. I definitely had enough, but I was also raised to take care and hold on to things. You do that because it’s not money to “just go get another one” if you lose or break the one you already have. I was in a “this gotta last you” household. I have clothes and shoes that are decades old. They would be used to “get dirty” or cut the grass in.

Looking through the boxes, I had basketball and wrestling cards in mint condition. I had VHS tapes in their original cases. I had CD singles in their original paper case. Some still had the plastic on them. I found my copy of NBA Live 95 with the instructions in the original case. I just couldn’t throw some of those things away. It really meant something to me to have these things. Some of the things I had now 22 years later.

I found old pictures, letters, yearbooks. I literally was going through my entire life and deciding what to discard forever. It made me sad and angry. Can’t explain it, but it did. I couldn’t afford the storage, so I got everything out to avoid a fee. A lot of things I sent to Goodwill. I’ve made at least 4 trips there in the last month or two. I’ll be making another one soon as I slowly but surely part with more of my possessions.

I know they are just “things”, but it’s the memories for me. You ever see an object, or a piece of clothing or a picture and remember exactly where you were, what was said and how it all ended up being. Well that’s how I felt every two minutes today. From first girlfriend to first mixtape. From recent tragedy to my pride and joy, Layla. I experienced it all just looking through things.

I got plans for a lot of the stuff I now have crammed in this car. I want to make a scrapbook out of all of Layla’s artwork and cards she made for me. I want a blanket or two made out of all the radio station t shirts and shirts from when I was performing and doing shows. I want a Sega Genesis so I can play the games I found. I’m sure the Nintendo games didn’t work so I just let them go

I guess the silver lining is, it’s time for new things and new memories. Can’t live in the pass, but I must admit I do love to visit. Not sure why else I would hang on to so many things, but if anyone could give me a psychoanalysis, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Removing the old to make way for the new. The physical may be gone, but the memory never fades. Oh well. It’s just stuff right?