It’s been a rough few weeks if I’m being honest. I have a really big and tough decision to make and no matter what I’m going to lose something. What’s wild is, I didn’t think the loss would feel like this.
I’m mentally behaving out of character. I am not who I need to be right now. I am in somewhat of a daze and I need to get my peace of mind in order. I’ve been praying, meditating and somedays I feel good. Others, not so much. I guess that’s how reality is. Any moment of any day you can go from a an extreme high to an instant low. You may feel so down that you can’t get back up. What’s definite is that it’s all for a reason. A better purpose that you can’t see. A greater good that is not recognizable at the moment.
In my heart, I know I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes you got to do the right thing even if it means doing it all on your own. Maybe I wasn’t as unhappy as I thought I was. Maybe I just adjusted to a routine. Maybe my decision with action will be the defining moment of clarity.
I pray that it is.
So subliminal and bold
All the energy switch
First time I truly felt like, Fuck This Bitch
I don’t need this shit
I just need to relax
Cause I ain’t missing out on nothing
I can’t get right back
Oh so you all that?
I could never do better?
The worst moments of your life were when WE were together?
Bitch that sounds kind of clever
But it really ain’t facts
I probably missed something greater
Cause I didn’t text back
It’s women not talking to me
Cause they didn’t get your chance
Some just wanted the pipe
And I ain’t take that dance
But that’s just my bad
Trying to do something different
Building animosity cause I’m deprived of my wishes
And the man that I should be is not apart of your vision
So fuck it…
Let me see what’s up with some other chicks then
As I close out my 30’s, I can only think about the previous 9 years and the expectations I had for myself. I won’t lie to you, by 39 I really thought I would be a millionaire. It’ hasn’t happened, but I think I have made the shift to put in the work to really make it happen within this next decade. Since I plan on being around for a long time, I have no problem with living my 40’s and 50’s in abundance.
At 29 I knew I would spend my entire 30’s being a father. This year with missing all my daughters games this season, my grandma passing and COVID-19, I’m on a mission to be a better father. Literally doing whatever it takes to make sure my daughter has more of my time and attention. I may be not so low-key suffering from separation anxiety and the only why I know how to cure is to really show her the best of me as much as possible.
Every single relationship I had with damn near every woman in my life changed drastically in my 30’s. Some positive, some negative and even some pending. I’m probably not the greatest friend, lover, son, spouse or enemy to all of them. At this stage of 39, I’m literally too selfish to give a fuck. Sorry. We’ll talk later, or not.
I can also confidently say, I’m not the same person I was on my 30th birthday. That can be deemed a positive or a negative based on who you talk to. The realest thing I can say is, I still want a lot of things at 39 that I wanted at 30. 31-38 helped me realize the changes and sacrifices I have to make to get them. I’m destined for a life of abundance and I look forward to sharing that with all the people that love me or could use an assist from me.
2020 has been rough. Part of me thinks on paper this may be viewed as one of the worst years of my life. What I can tell you for a fact is that I am still inspired and I truly believe that something great is going to happen for me this year! I know what I want and I’m no longer stopping at the halfway point to get. I’m going all in! Pass or fall, I’m here to risk it all in every aspect just to say I did it the best way I knew how; My way. It won’t be pretty. People will have their opinions. What I won’t give anybody is the final vote on the decisions of my 1 life.
It is indeed a happy birthday to me.