A Vulnerable Moment

It’s been a rough few weeks if I’m being honest. I have a really big and tough decision to make and no matter what I’m going to lose something. What’s wild is, I didn’t think the loss would feel like this.

I’m mentally behaving out of character. I am not who I need to be right now. I am in somewhat of a daze and I need to get my peace of mind in order. I’ve been praying, meditating and somedays I feel good. Others, not so much. I guess that’s how reality is. Any moment of any day you can go from a an extreme high to an instant low. You may feel so down that you can’t get back up. What’s definite is that it’s all for a reason. A better purpose that you can’t see. A greater good that is not recognizable at the moment.

In my heart, I know I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes you got to do the right thing even if it means doing it all on your own. Maybe I wasn’t as unhappy as I thought I was. Maybe I just adjusted to a routine. Maybe my decision with action will be the defining moment of clarity.

I pray that it is.

A 39 Birthday Post

As I close out my 30’s, I can only think about the previous 9 years and the expectations I had for myself. I won’t lie to you, by 39 I really thought I would be a millionaire. It’ hasn’t happened, but I think I have made the shift to put in the work to really make it happen within this next decade. Since I plan on being around for a long time, I have no problem with living my 40’s and 50’s in abundance.

At 29 I knew I would spend my entire 30’s being a father. This year with missing all my daughters games this season, my grandma passing and COVID-19, I’m on a mission to be a better father. Literally doing whatever it takes to make sure my daughter has more of my time and attention. I may be not so low-key suffering from separation anxiety and the only why I know how to cure is to really show her the best of me as much as possible.

Every single relationship I had with damn near every woman in my life changed drastically in my 30’s. Some positive, some negative and even some pending. I’m probably not the greatest friend, lover, son, spouse or enemy to all of them. At this stage of 39, I’m literally too selfish to give a fuck. Sorry. We’ll talk later, or not.

I can also confidently say, I’m not the same person I was on my 30th birthday. That can be deemed a positive or a negative based on who you talk to. The realest thing I can say is, I still want a lot of things at 39 that I wanted at 30. 31-38 helped me realize the changes and sacrifices I have to make to get them. I’m destined for a life of abundance and I look forward to sharing that with all the people that love me or could use an assist from me.

2020 has been rough. Part of me thinks on paper this may be viewed as one of the worst years of my life. What I can tell you for a fact is that I am still inspired and I truly believe that something great is going to happen for me this year! I know what I want and I’m no longer stopping at the halfway point to get. I’m going all in! Pass or fall, I’m here to risk it all in every aspect just to say I did it the best way I knew how; My way. It won’t be pretty. People will have their opinions. What I won’t give anybody is the final vote on the decisions of my 1 life.

It is indeed a happy birthday to me.

2020 Mother’s Day Thoughts

I’m in an odd space today. My grandma passed this year and honestly, a lot of my personal life has come tumbling down with that moment. She’s gone, my Mom and I got into it over a personal matter and although there’s been no hostile angry or bitter exchange, my daughter’s mother and I don’t have the greatest relationship.

On this Mother’s Day, I’m going to take the time out to look in the mirror. Understand where I’m falling short. Looking at what I want and how I go about getting it. Where is my focus? How can I build and maintain better relationships with women? Sometimes making yourself the common denominator is the only way you will reach true resolution.

With that being said, let me think on what to do with my time today. Let that time to think today make me better for tomorrow.

If you are a mom or if you’re expecting to be a mom, Happy Mother’s Day. You perform a beautiful act of God and we should respect, love and secure you because of that alone. Condolences to everyone who has lost their mom or the mother in their life. I know a day like this or any other special day can’t be easy. A sincere prayer for you to cope will be said by me today.

Happy Sunday. Happy Mother’s Day. Love

An Anxious Mood

I’m in a very anxious mood. I want to make a move, but I’m not exactly secure about the future. It’s hard to break away of the employee mindset and worker mentality. Somedays I’m not so confident that I can go out there and make my own money and that being enough to live comfortably.

Second guessing and living with a hint of anxiety will play major tricks on you. It’s hard to tell if you’re coming or going and what your destination is at times.

What I need is a mental break, from everything. I’ve been having to do a lot of thinking about a lot of different aspects of life and it’s honestly draining me in ways I didn’t expect. Now I feel bombarded all at once. Happiness starts from within and that is the largest step to success.

Sorry Y’all: Thoughts From My Recliner

So man! It’s been a minute right? I’ve been trying to stay off of my public safe space because I’ve been in several moods and emotions and to be real; It’s not quite ready for even my public safe space yet.

I’m still thinking about my grandma. I have new thoughts about my personal life. I have a new mindset on self care. It’s a lot going on in my mind to say the absolute least. I’m going to try and pump out a little art to y’all though. Maybe a few writings will help me get back into a better mental space.

Hope everybody is taking the quarantine seriously. At the same time I hope blacks and latinos aren’t co-signing every word that is being said about us and the coronavirus on the news. Always keep in your mind we as a delegation went from “Black folks can’t catch the coronavirus” to the news now telling us 50% of all coronavirus deaths are black people. That’s not some coincidental news to me. AmeriKKKa has been capitalizing off of Black Fear for a long time. Don’t think they wouldn’t do it during a pandemic.

Whether you are staying busy or just staying safe, good for you. Don’t get wrapped up in people telling you what you got to do or work on right now. You supposed to do you. That’s the only thing that matters right now. As long as you are doing that, all will remain well.

Well, Let me attempt to tell my life colorfully so I can relax and finally get into Snowfall.

Be Safe, wear mask and wash your entire body thoroughly…and your clothes. Love!

My Daddy Goal

I believe it was two years ago. I typed a goal/affirmation down in my phone that simply said,

“I’m going to hug my daughter everyday”

I have not achieved that goal, yet. I think that not achieving this goal has lead to my indescribable incomplete feeling. With the passing of my grandma and how important she was to both of us, I really have to do all I can to achieve that goal.

Making a living was hard enough before the pandemic. For many it will become even harder. Relocating is a task within itself, but the distance we are apart would make daily travel very expensive and unrealistic. I have some real decisions to make, even if temporary. I know the great relationship I have with my daughter could be greater. It’s on me to push it to that level. This is a decision less about me and more about her and us. In this crazy time we are living in, I don’t want to be far from my child. I don’t want to have to finance a trip to see her. I don’t want her adolescent years with me to be sporadic and heavy technology based. As her father, it’s on me to fix that reality in every aspect anyway I can.

I will fulfill my Daddy goal of hugging my daughter everyday. It’s a must.