I’ve been going out of my way to make myself happy since my birthday week and it’s hands down lead to the greatest weekend on the year! That’s saying a lot during a pandemic on top of losing my greatest listener and my personal life being in complete shambles!
I deprived myself of happiness in many ways and I didn’t even notice how visible it was. I like the fact that people are telling me “you look happy” or “It’s great to see you smiling”. I was obviously very depressed with high anxiety to kick off this year and I was in need. The need was so high that I began to feel hurt and that hurt made me act out in a couple ways I shouldn’t have.
Even though, it’s probably not recommended, I began to isolate myself. I stayed with my thoughts until it became it clear. Can’t front, dabbling more with edibles and vapes helped a great deal too! Then, I started leaning on the people around me that wanted to be leaned on. I found new listeners! People that care and want to help with what I’m going through and not just throw at me what they need, want or expect too. Those talks helped me make some decisions. Those talks help me make some apologies. Those talks helped me find peace within myself and left a path for me to start making myself happy.
I learned this year that I am the only person that has me as a top priority and that’s okay. I’m not going to cry or act like a bitch because I’m not number 1 on somebody’s list; That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Truth be told I should be 2nd on my own list because I was taught to put God first. I learned all about the weight carried of people who demand to be first in your life but don’t want or even care to consistently give you what you need. The power struggle of conforming in an effort to get a subpar inconsistent version of your wants and needs is exhausting. Tasting the freedom from that is euphoric!
It’s still a lot of year left and I’m going to do some great things. I’ve let everything go and put it firmly in God’s hands. It’s the absolute best decision I made all year.
I’m officially on day 31 of thinking about what to do with my life. I’m refreshed, I’m clear and my overall demeanor is focused. This is all in the wake of a lot of lost, misfortune and expectations not being met this year.
I’m thinking about my goals and the life I see for myself and honestly, I believe there is one more sacrifice to make. This one may be deemed so crazy that I don’t even want to share in detail here. What’s clear right now is there’s nothing standing in my way and no one has the opportunity to talk me out of what’s in my mind. That may be the scenario that I’ve truly been asking for all this time.
What’s very real is my podcasts, magazines and shirts are what I want to do with my life. Every investment I can make to those is a great benefit. The question that remains is, how much of a sacrifice am I willing to put towards all of it? How uncomfortable am I willing to be? How much am I willing to put on the line to show how much I believe? I think I’ve found a new level that I am willing to go for all the above. There are still things I want. There’s a new level of sacrifice to get them. Every sacrifice is not meant to be understood or explained; So I won’t. I’m just going to plan and pray. My gut is telling me to step out on faith and do something that I don’t think many people around me could or would do. And maybe that’s all the reason why I have to make it happen.
I recently had a conversation that made me rethink some things I thought I wanted and some of the people I felt I wanted around.
In this one life that we live, we are going to do and experience right and wrong. There will come a time in our lives when we all will do right and will do wrong. The thought of the week for me; I don’t want to be around any person that swears they have done no wrong ever. That’s not even realistic in life.
It’s so much talk about “vibes” “energy” and “protecting peace” but there are people out there that post all that and never see the error in their own ways and actions. Maybe your energy is being affected because of the way you talk to people. Maybe the vibe is different for you because people are tired of you looking at everybody else but yourself for all your internal and external issues and shortcomings. Maybe your peace isn’t protected because you’re moving different, keeping secrets, looking funny in the light and you’re not as 100 as you think you are. Even if you’re on point 85% of the time; The 15% still counts against you. No one is exempt from that basic math.
Not everything can be fixed with an apology. The action of changed behavior is always needed and respected more; But when you encounter a person that absolves themselves from any and all error and wrong doing; It may be best to leave them in their own ignorant bliss.
It’s been a rough few weeks if I’m being honest. I have a really big and tough decision to make and no matter what I’m going to lose something. What’s wild is, I didn’t think the loss would feel like this.
I’m mentally behaving out of character. I am not who I need to be right now. I am in somewhat of a daze and I need to get my peace of mind in order. I’ve been praying, meditating and somedays I feel good. Others, not so much. I guess that’s how reality is. Any moment of any day you can go from a an extreme high to an instant low. You may feel so down that you can’t get back up. What’s definite is that it’s all for a reason. A better purpose that you can’t see. A greater good that is not recognizable at the moment.
In my heart, I know I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes you got to do the right thing even if it means doing it all on your own. Maybe I wasn’t as unhappy as I thought I was. Maybe I just adjusted to a routine. Maybe my decision with action will be the defining moment of clarity.
I pray that it is.
As I close out my 30’s, I can only think about the previous 9 years and the expectations I had for myself. I won’t lie to you, by 39 I really thought I would be a millionaire. It’ hasn’t happened, but I think I have made the shift to put in the work to really make it happen within this next decade. Since I plan on being around for a long time, I have no problem with living my 40’s and 50’s in abundance.
At 29 I knew I would spend my entire 30’s being a father. This year with missing all my daughters games this season, my grandma passing and COVID-19, I’m on a mission to be a better father. Literally doing whatever it takes to make sure my daughter has more of my time and attention. I may be not so low-key suffering from separation anxiety and the only why I know how to cure is to really show her the best of me as much as possible.
Every single relationship I had with damn near every woman in my life changed drastically in my 30’s. Some positive, some negative and even some pending. I’m probably not the greatest friend, lover, son, spouse or enemy to all of them. At this stage of 39, I’m literally too selfish to give a fuck. Sorry. We’ll talk later, or not.
I can also confidently say, I’m not the same person I was on my 30th birthday. That can be deemed a positive or a negative based on who you talk to. The realest thing I can say is, I still want a lot of things at 39 that I wanted at 30. 31-38 helped me realize the changes and sacrifices I have to make to get them. I’m destined for a life of abundance and I look forward to sharing that with all the people that love me or could use an assist from me.
2020 has been rough. Part of me thinks on paper this may be viewed as one of the worst years of my life. What I can tell you for a fact is that I am still inspired and I truly believe that something great is going to happen for me this year! I know what I want and I’m no longer stopping at the halfway point to get. I’m going all in! Pass or fall, I’m here to risk it all in every aspect just to say I did it the best way I knew how; My way. It won’t be pretty. People will have their opinions. What I won’t give anybody is the final vote on the decisions of my 1 life.
It is indeed a happy birthday to me.
I’m in an odd space today. My grandma passed this year and honestly, a lot of my personal life has come tumbling down with that moment. She’s gone, my Mom and I got into it over a personal matter and although there’s been no hostile angry or bitter exchange, my daughter’s mother and I don’t have the greatest relationship.
On this Mother’s Day, I’m going to take the time out to look in the mirror. Understand where I’m falling short. Looking at what I want and how I go about getting it. Where is my focus? How can I build and maintain better relationships with women? Sometimes making yourself the common denominator is the only way you will reach true resolution.
With that being said, let me think on what to do with my time today. Let that time to think today make me better for tomorrow.
If you are a mom or if you’re expecting to be a mom, Happy Mother’s Day. You perform a beautiful act of God and we should respect, love and secure you because of that alone. Condolences to everyone who has lost their mom or the mother in their life. I know a day like this or any other special day can’t be easy. A sincere prayer for you to cope will be said by me today.
Happy Sunday. Happy Mother’s Day. Love