I haven’t had the best visits to Freeport since my Grandma’s been sick and gone, but I know I have to get better at visiting her every time I arrive and leave here.
Today I apologized to her. I know I’ve messed up and I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do. I then promised her that I would do better. Emotionally, financially, family and relationship wise; all of it! I’m going to improve starting today.
I know she’s with me everyday but I wanted to get as close to her physical form as possible today. It’s hard to speak to her without crying. It’s hard to lose the only person you feel loves you and cares. I never thought life would be this way, but I won’t give up because it is.
Today is a day of rededication. A rededication to my gift, my purpose and my growth.
Thanks for the talk, Grandma. I love you.
The glaring thought of this morning is Love.
We want to have love. We want to feel love. We want to be accepted and treated with love. We want our love to be understood and reciprocated.
It’s hard to deal and process when the love isn’t returned. Then add your expectations. People expect to be loved without communicating how to love them. Some people have a brand of love that gets communicated and then it gets ignored. You will find in life that people don’t want to love you as you want to be loved.
The layers of love: The love of a passion or craft. The love for a child. The love to and from a significant other. Love to and from a parent. It’s all different, but still under the operative word, love. Different mindsets, urges and emotions, but they circle the blocks of the same city.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a woman’s love. Never has that love been unconditional. No matter what, we are all looking for unconditional love.
Unconditional love is the love of you now and later. It’s loving the consistency and the changes. The plain and the pivots. There is no judgement or second guess. It’s the loving through anything that Will Smith talked about. That love is what we all want, but few are willing to give.
Never be turned off by love.
I’m mentally checked out and emotionally angry… I don’t understand what the current period of life means, but I will ultimately do what’s best for me.
I’ve dealt with a heavy burden of making people happy because of the position they’ve held and I didn’t get much in return. People will sometimes overstate their contribution, especially when it’s some shit you never asked for. Makes you hate to see people coming. Has your mood and feelings down when they’re around.
Some people are so self centered that they they don’t even have the peripheral vision to see beside themselves.
Just thinking out loud before I meditate. I can’t allow my mind to get the better of me. These few words are only the beginning on a story that may be in its final chapter.
I’ve been going out of my way to make myself happy since my birthday week and it’s hands down lead to the greatest weekend on the year! That’s saying a lot during a pandemic on top of losing my greatest listener and my personal life being in complete shambles!
I deprived myself of happiness in many ways and I didn’t even notice how visible it was. I like the fact that people are telling me “you look happy” or “It’s great to see you smiling”. I was obviously very depressed with high anxiety to kick off this year and I was in need. The need was so high that I began to feel hurt and that hurt made me act out in a couple ways I shouldn’t have.
Even though, it’s probably not recommended, I began to isolate myself. I stayed with my thoughts until it became it clear. Can’t front, dabbling more with edibles and vapes helped a great deal too! Then, I started leaning on the people around me that wanted to be leaned on. I found new listeners! People that care and want to help with what I’m going through and not just throw at me what they need, want or expect too. Those talks helped me make some decisions. Those talks help me make some apologies. Those talks helped me find peace within myself and left a path for me to start making myself happy.
I learned this year that I am the only person that has me as a top priority and that’s okay. I’m not going to cry or act like a bitch because I’m not number 1 on somebody’s list; That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Truth be told I should be 2nd on my own list because I was taught to put God first. I learned all about the weight carried of people who demand to be first in your life but don’t want or even care to consistently give you what you need. The power struggle of conforming in an effort to get a subpar inconsistent version of your wants and needs is exhausting. Tasting the freedom from that is euphoric!
It’s still a lot of year left and I’m going to do some great things. I’ve let everything go and put it firmly in God’s hands. It’s the absolute best decision I made all year.
I’m officially on day 31 of thinking about what to do with my life. I’m refreshed, I’m clear and my overall demeanor is focused. This is all in the wake of a lot of lost, misfortune and expectations not being met this year.
I’m thinking about my goals and the life I see for myself and honestly, I believe there is one more sacrifice to make. This one may be deemed so crazy that I don’t even want to share in detail here. What’s clear right now is there’s nothing standing in my way and no one has the opportunity to talk me out of what’s in my mind. That may be the scenario that I’ve truly been asking for all this time.
What’s very real is my podcasts, magazines and shirts are what I want to do with my life. Every investment I can make to those is a great benefit. The question that remains is, how much of a sacrifice am I willing to put towards all of it? How uncomfortable am I willing to be? How much am I willing to put on the line to show how much I believe? I think I’ve found a new level that I am willing to go for all the above. There are still things I want. There’s a new level of sacrifice to get them. Every sacrifice is not meant to be understood or explained; So I won’t. I’m just going to plan and pray. My gut is telling me to step out on faith and do something that I don’t think many people around me could or would do. And maybe that’s all the reason why I have to make it happen.
I recently had a conversation that made me rethink some things I thought I wanted and some of the people I felt I wanted around.
In this one life that we live, we are going to do and experience right and wrong. There will come a time in our lives when we all will do right and will do wrong. The thought of the week for me; I don’t want to be around any person that swears they have done no wrong ever. That’s not even realistic in life.
It’s so much talk about “vibes” “energy” and “protecting peace” but there are people out there that post all that and never see the error in their own ways and actions. Maybe your energy is being affected because of the way you talk to people. Maybe the vibe is different for you because people are tired of you looking at everybody else but yourself for all your internal and external issues and shortcomings. Maybe your peace isn’t protected because you’re moving different, keeping secrets, looking funny in the light and you’re not as 100 as you think you are. Even if you’re on point 85% of the time; The 15% still counts against you. No one is exempt from that basic math.
Not everything can be fixed with an apology. The action of changed behavior is always needed and respected more; But when you encounter a person that absolves themselves from any and all error and wrong doing; It may be best to leave them in their own ignorant bliss.