Thoughts Before Therapy

I was just watching “The Therapist”. It’s a Viceland program and the conversations are groundbreaking. As I sit here and listen to the program, it made me think of myself and some of my thoughts and feelings.

I thought of myself and how maybe I dream so big and so much because some people laughed, didn’t believe or couldn’t see my visions. How some people I call friends have downplayed my ideas and successes or given backhanded congrats or acknowledgements and how that truly affected me. It may also be why I only like abstract and broad thinkers around me and how I will always find a way something could potentially work and is justifiable.

I’m sitting here taking inventory with my relationship with my mom. Understanding why we clash so much. Understanding that maybe the one thing that neither one of us wanted was for me to be like her or my dad. However, the deeper situation is how receptive was she as I was growing and maturing to being exactly what she wanted and in some ways how she stunted that early evolution.

Thinking of my problems with women and how the only woman in my life I’ll ever show weakness to is my grandma. Coincidentally, I feel my grandma is the only woman that has ever listened to me and understood me. However, she’s also the only woman who has never used my words or weaknesses against me. Nothing is tougher to deal with to a man with morals, ethics and principles than a woman who is willing to frivolously play with your words and weaknesses. I don’t know if there will ever be a woman I can talk to like I talk to my grandma.

The one woman who will have my heart forever is my daughter. My lifesaver, my star. I look in her face and see something so much greater than me. My biggest fears are not nurturing her uncanny potential and letting her down to the point that she hates me.

I also sit here and I have this feeling and thought that not so deep down, I am a lover. A natural lover of all people and things. However, I’ve experienced too many situations where that love has been disregarded and it has scarred me in a few ways. I also feel that many have gone out of their way to show me they don’t love me back. It’s probably why I love being alone and practice keeping to myself. Why maybe I am the shyest social butterfly you will ever meet. Why quite a few relationships are strained. Why I don’t apologize often and regret a handful of times that I have apologized. I like to give, help and love. It’s really who I would want to be at my core everyday to everyone. The problem is the people that I have given, helped and loved have taken, broken and abandoned me. I want to ask some people, “Where were you when I needed you most?” to finally get answers.

I’ve been saying for quite a while that I do need therapy. I really need to get the right resources together to take a few steps forward in doing that.

No Force, No Rush

It’s been a strenuous few days. I’ve been trying to get as many hours as I can at work between two venues and it’s been draining. It’s also costing me more money than it’s making on the weeks I don’t get paid. I try not to focus on that, because I know that energy causes anxiety. I’m also in process of locking down another great opportunity which I hope to share later.

I haven’t been in the gym working out, but the workout I’ve been getting doing this venue tear down has been crazy! All the lifting, pushing, pulling and stacking had me feeling as sore as my first couple weeks back lifting weights.

I finally got time for a family day. Something that I hardly ever get a chance to do. It was great! So great that I want to document the story in a better way than casually in this blog post.

There hasn’t been new content on here and I apologize for that. I needed physical and mental rest. My body was telling me “Alright Cam. Time to pack it in for a min.” So I’m taking time for myself, so I can rest and get my wheels back turning so I can give you all my best with this pen or these keys. I don’t want to just put out anything. I want to show nothing but quality cause I take my writing seriously. I have many ideas and concepts. It’s all about making them sound cool enough to visualize with your mind. Talk soon.

The Adults No One Needs

The adult becomes so complacent, uninteresting and uninspiring. Why doesn’t the adult dream? Why does the adult want to be so realistic and pessimistic. A dreamless adult is an enemy of progress.

Without dreams there are no goals. Therefore you strive for nothing. You go through the motions. You believe the only good in your life is waking up the next day although you don’t enjoy what the next day has in store for you. You don’t speak life or speak with life. You don’t attract young people, like minds or have interesting conversations. You are a wall. Walls are set up, painted and knocked down. There’s no beauty in that. There is no glamour in that life. If you live life as a wall, you are born, wear some nice clothes and die. Who would want that to be their story?

I loathe the adult that stops a person that wants to become an entrepreneur. That doesn’t feel they could do it so they say you can’t do it either. I have distain for a person who speaks in 99 problems verses 3 wishes. It’s hard to converse, connect and want to carry on conversation with these types of people. No one truly wants to be amongst a person who feels they can’t do anything. That person will also plant the seeds and weeds of can’t in your minds garden. Nothing fruitful bears in a garden of weeds.

I don’t know how to talk to complainers. I don’t want to talk to complainers. What is inside of a person that makes them want to complain everyday? My mind doesn’t comprehend or digest that well. I would love to remove complaining, pessimistic, dreamless people from my life forever; But how can you when they are family and friends? Are they truly family and friends by the understood definition?

There are people who want to be alone and those that want to be around like minded people. I’m starting to understand that I like being alone, because I’m hardly ever around like minded people. It’s a dilemma that I want to rectify, but honestly not sure how. Let me rephrase that. I know how. I just don’t want to deal with the backlash and explanation. Every person can change. Not many will. The adult some people have become is not the person you need or want them to be. It’s on you to decide how long they stay in the story of your life.

New Love for Living In Chicago

Although a great portion of 2017 has been turbulent, there has been some very bright moments. One of them has been my new found love for the city of Chicago. Since returning in August of 2016, I have spent more time than ever in the city of Chicago. West Loop, South Loop and the heart of Downtown have seen a lot of me the past year and some change and it’s honestly been lovely!

Doing freelance writing and hip-hop media got me a chance to meet Jadakiss and Sheek Louch of the L.O.X as well as interview new R&B sensation Kevin Ross and soul singer Kevin Garrett . Those opportunities came through connecting and reconnecting with some of my friends and family that work for labels and run studios in the city. Working for Live Nation gave me the opportunity to see some of the greatest artist and bands ever perform in different parts of the city. Needless to say, my entertainment fix was great this year and still going on as I type.

Chicago has a different vibe when you actually participate in it. The West Loop is nothing like Westchester. The South Loop is nothing like South Holland. Wicker Park isn’t Woodridge and you should be slapped thinking Downtown Naperville and Downtown Chicago come close to comparison. Seeing 12th street beach, the way the House of Blues sign glows at night. The skyline on a cloudy day or even a gorgeous night with the right light breeze all gives you a feel that only being in the city can give you. Driving up and down LSD [Lake Shore Drive] Walking past Solider Field and the Shed Aquarium or strolling the Riverwalk; all incredible feels.

Sometimes I would walk to my car from work, headphones and backpack on and just want to walk another mile or so just to feel the city on a different level. It felt like a small escape. The people in the city are friendlier than many know or say. There is plenty going on even though the majority of the city shuts down by 11pm and the lights illuminate the clean streets and sidewalks like I never noticed before. It’s also a great chance to meet the people visiting Chicago and relate to their joy as a tourist as well as learn about where they’re from. I’ve had a great conversation with a couple from Toronto, Canada. They were in town for the Blue Jays vs Cubs game, but also were partaking in what the city has to offer. Not only were they impressed, they couldn’t understand why so many bad things were said about the city on the news. Chicago is so many different worlds within itself that one person can’t give you the total experience of what it’s like to be in and from Chicago. They also sold me on making a trip to Toronto as soon as possible.

I would love to live for 2 years in the actual city of Chicago, just off of the summer I had. Sure the taxes and the parking can be outrageous, but what downtown city is that not an issue? Besides, I have enough parking apps to say that on any given night, event or not, I’ve parked a minimum of 5 hours for as low as $7 and no higher than $15 for the majority of my time this year. I think a nice loft, downtown near the Riverwalk would be incredible for my spirit and creativity. In some respects, I lived the summer I wanted from 21-25 at 36. Even though I have been adamant for years about loving residential living, I can’t deny how much the hustle, bustle and survival of the city have spoke to me this year. A summer of Chicago will definitely make you fall in love and see it like you’ve never have before. Well played, Chicago; Well played.

October Discipline Challenge: No Social Media

In the final hours of September a lot is going through my mind. The main thing on my mind is “Did I waste time?” To answer honestly, I think so. I was on a roll writing this book and all of a sudden, I went days without typing a single word for the book twice this month. I honestly should have finished and been preparing for phase 2, but I am not. Another thing I looked at was my creative space. Am I still on fire to create and push the envelope like I was 4-6 week ago? Possibly, but I’m losing some edge.

With all that in place, it’s only right that my next discipline challenge be “No Social Media for the month of October”. No Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat. I will continue to check content on YouTube. I don’t use that for friends, comments and conversation, so that really doesn’t feel like a social media platform to me. YouTube is also going to be my A-1 go to for time spent on the toilet now that I don’t have FB or IG to fall back on. I can’t just sit there and do nothing most times, so a good interview or short doc will help.

Why cut off social media? Because I believe it cuts down my productivity and assist in my loss of focus. I also hate to be on there posting to be posting. All the time I spend mindlessly and aimlessly liking and sharing could be put to greater use. The more I think on it, social media is for people that are already content with life as is or they are the people who are doing enough to make life look interesting. I’m trying to be in the “make life look interesting” group, but I got a few goals to knock out to get there. Then I’ll come back posting with purpose!

I loved the creative space I was in when I deleted all my apps and “got away” for anxiety reason back in August. That week got me here, with this site and all the content that you’ve seen since then. It can only get better with more time away. While I’m gone, feel free to catch up on all of the content on the site. Over 40 live post in less than 2 full months. I cranked out a lot and most was on the fly and I would love for you to view it. Lets be honest; Less than 1% of you have viewed everything on here and that’s with the site doing pretty good. The content will not stop on LifeWriterCam.wordpress.com. There will just be no social media push by me once content goes live until November.

You could also check out BehindTheRhyme.com while it’s still up and running and 100% in my possession. I got an offer to either buy out or invest in the site and well, I’m listening to any offer that makes sense.

If you would like to reach me, I have an email for that. LivingAsCamQuotes@gmail.com. My phone will always be open as well. 630-NOT-HERE. [If we have that kind of rapport. You know it’s cool to text or call me.]

A Bonus Challenge: I’m also going to eat meat a maximum of 3 times a week. I fell off the wagon so hard after not eating meat for a month. I can’t lose all my progress both physically and psychologically. Plus this will help increase my results as I continue to lift weights and get in the best shape of my life. These challenges are not just for the moment or the month or for social media conversation. These challenges are for life. So I must implement them every day after the challenge is over.

Taking it back to 2000-2002, when all I had was email and a phone for calls and texts. Let’s see how that fairs in 2017.

I Want To Be Great For Vain Reasons

I want to share a personal flaw with you. I want to share with you this bad habit I have of calling out people that I feel suck or are inferior when it comes to their profession or craft. This isn’t me yelling at the TV during my favorite sporting event or even me critiquing rappers, which I also love doing. This is more personal. This is me looking at the broadcasting industry I choose to be in and the people in it and the work put in or lack there of.

Do I  think I am the best? Hell no! In fact, I would love to get more game, insight and have more people to call mentors as I build what I hope is a 20, 30 and beyond year career. I just get upset when I see people not taking full advantage or squandering an opportunity. Daily and hourly, I listen to media personalities. Some are super dope and really putting in work and making the most of their time. Others not so much. The not so much people are the ones that bother me. They are the ones who have gotten a great opportunity and feel the race to be great is over. At least it sounds like that to me. They don’t mind being mediocre, going through the motions or doing just enough. It irks my soul and somedays, I can’t let it go and say nothing about.

We live in a time where “popular is the new talent” and now a huge following will make people see a skill-set in you. To a degree, I’m not upset at that. What upsets me is when you get that opportunity and you don’t try to become at least “pretty damn good” at what you were given an opportunity to do. I was told within my first week of media school that it’s about “Who Knows You” and how that will be a huge part in your future opportunities. I’ve watched that happened. Sometimes I can salute it and say “great work!” Other times I’m like “it’s been X amount of years and you’re still not even pretty good at this; Why?”

My last gig, I wanted to be at bare minimum pretty damn good at everything. I learned my job, the basics of other people’s jobs and then wanted to try my hand at doing those positions or helping. Now, that definitely rubs people the wrong way. Hence why I call it a personal flaw. However, I just think that’s how it should be. We should want to be great and know all that we possibly can in our chosen industries. How will you stay in if you don’t know more than your current job?

One day, I’m going to have a social media following so huge that I will get handed a TV or Radio Show just because “I’m popping right now”. When that happens, I’m not going to mail it in. I’m going to practice even more. I’m going to gain more information, write, rehearse and repeat and consume myself with being great at the opportunity provided. I’m going to do that for my right to critique. It’s not even a competition thing for me. I want to be great, so I can say “Dude, you suck!” and the only thing that can be said in return is “Well, everybody can’t be you” or just an insult. I can deal with that. That means the work ethic, the skill and the talent is all there and I am maxing out on it. So when I make a statement of your lack of effort or quality, it really should be taken to heart. The best isn’t always number 1 in this media game, so I don’t feel the need to focus on that. But when it comes to men and women in this game making the most of their time and opportunity. That’s a completely different ball game. That ballgame should always be played to win. Cause now more than ever, there are no guarantees and a wasted opportunity will lead to less chances taken in the future. For years I’ve heard stories of how “so and so” did this and that left a bad taste in my mouth so now “I won’t waste time doing this again.” You’re right, it shouldn’t be that way, but it is. That’s why I hate to see others half ass great opportunities. Opportunities that I would never take lightly or slack on a day.

Yeah, I want to be great for vain reasons. I’ve come to accept that about myself. However, notice how I don’t ever hope or wish anyone fails or never gets a shot. Understand this is me saying that I just want people to try harder. I’m not a hater. I just like to listen, watch and associate myself with quality work. I don’t like this “Popular, Green Ribbon Era”. I’m not out here to earn completion points. I’m trying to be remembered as a legend in whatever I put my effort into. I just wish everybody else felt that way.