Sometimes you just want a friend or to just reach out to someone. Many of us reach a point in time where life spirals out of control. At least it does in our minds. You’re not sure what to do, but you know you need to do something and fast. That’s why everyone has a vice of some sort in my eyes. Something that gets you buy. To me a vice could be positive or negative. Too much of anything can make you an addict so, it’s unfair to think of vices solely as something harmful to you and potentially harmful others. I have a healthy vice and it took a rough patch in life to realize what it truly was. I’m no smoker. I actually hate the taste of most alcohol. In fact, I hate the taste of vodka to this day because of my abuse of it during a very depressing period. Bad habit and vice to pick up. Talk about doing things that wasn’t me. I didn’t even drink on my 21st birthday. So for me to be drinking up to 4 times a week at 27-28 was the epitome of me not being me.
I used to think my vice was sex, masturbation etc because that is what definitely made me happy. It was also a great way for me to communicate my affection to women I cared about. I could always find someone available for that. That definitely caused some problems short and long term. I am happy to say that I’ve survived that period of time STD/Disease free. As you get older and you realize that sex becomes an emotional connection and a relationship based on physical chemistry. You have no choice but to dial back. You can’t carry yourself with the same reckless abandon that you did in your younger years, no matter how good it feels to you. Can you have emotionless sex? Yes. But you can’t have it for long periods of time. Especially not with one specific person. We’ll tall the “3 and Out Rule” one day and everything that means.
I used to write away the pain. It started early. I honestly don’t remember when, but it got more consistent in Jr High and High School. Time moved on I turned into rapper. It was never really a plan. Just something I fell into. For years people would say things like “I know you got a rap, Cam. As much as you listen to it, you got to have something.” I really didn’t though. I was just a writer and a fan.
I would give it a shot though. I would get pretty good too. I actually thought that would be a real career path for me. Then I hit “28 and up” and I began to feel “too old to rap” or feel I was being judge for the way I knew how to express myself. So I would sporadically dip in and out of writing for years but still feel no results. That’s what I get for caring about what other people think. If they really knew what writing was doing for me internally, they would never question the why. The mental, the spiritual and emotional releases that it helped. It was bigger than “trying to be a rapper” for me. It was a way of communicating in the best way I knew how. However, that is my fault. I should have kept writing. Even if it wasn’t songs. Just like I am now. I find myself able to get over things faster if I write them out. I tend to harbor feelings and emotions heavier with no outlet. It’s bad for my brain. I’m personally deeming myself to old to have that issue. Plus, my writing wasn’t designed for “everybody” it was for me. Nobody can “Out Me, Me”. I could have faded to the background and pen some thoughts and things and been good. Even me trying to build a personality with writing didn’t help. I used to have a “Captain’s Log”. Some of the content was good, but realistically that turned into me trying to be an “Entertainment Writer”. Trying to hone skills on a bunch of mess I really didn’t want to talk about. I think I ended up deleting that site. I had some good content on there though. Dang! I should have tried to go through that site before deleting it.
I’m not sure if I technically had a nervous breakdown, but I know that my mind wasn’t right without being about to write. Writing is my coping mechanism. I might have been able to close the door on some people the right way had I taken real time to write about them. I think some heartache and clarity about me being who I want to be would have came faster with writing. I also think I could help a lot of people like me. The dreamers with no resources. The people who love hard and practice that love unconditionally and are loyal to those loved ones. The ones who don’t understand their own hurt. The one’s who don’t realize who they hurt and why. All of it is something I feel I could heal with my ability to write.
In the very short time this site has been up, I’ve been having real conversations. People thank me for my honesty and transparency. Friends have told me how I’m speaking to them in a much more relatable way. There is real interest in my forthcoming books. People who have probably been friends and followers for years and have never interacted with me on social media are doing so right now.
I’m not a prisoner of the moment when I tell you, I’ve never done something this self-fulfilling in my life. Maybe because I’ve never gave this much of me in anything I’ve ever done. Maybe I just wasn’t mature enough to be me at this level publicly. Maybe I was too wrapped up in being the idea of something and not myself at my core. No matter the real reason, one thing is for sure. I’ll never not write again.