Ready for The 2nd Half

I’ve been going out of my way to make myself happy since my birthday week and it’s hands down lead to the greatest weekend on the year! That’s saying a lot during a pandemic on top of losing my greatest listener and my personal life being in complete shambles!

I deprived myself of happiness in many ways and I didn’t even notice how visible it was. I like the fact that people are telling me “you look happy” or “It’s great to see you smiling”. I was obviously very depressed with high anxiety to kick off this year and I was in need. The need was so high that I began to feel hurt and that hurt made me act out in a couple ways I shouldn’t have.

Even though, it’s probably not recommended, I began to isolate myself. I stayed with my thoughts until it became it clear. Can’t front, dabbling more with edibles and vapes helped a great deal too! Then, I started leaning on the people around me that wanted to be leaned on. I found new listeners! People that care and want to help with what I’m going through and not just throw at me what they need, want or expect too. Those talks helped me make some decisions. Those talks help me make some apologies. Those talks helped me find peace within myself and left a path for me to start making myself happy.

I learned this year that I am the only person that has me as a top priority and that’s okay. I’m not going to cry or act like a bitch because I’m not number 1 on somebody’s list; That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Truth be told I should be 2nd on my own list because I was taught to put God first. I learned all about the weight carried of people who demand to be first in your life but don’t want or even care to consistently give you what you need. The power struggle of conforming in an effort to get a subpar inconsistent version of your wants and needs is exhausting. Tasting the freedom from that is euphoric!

It’s still a lot of year left and I’m going to do some great things. I’ve let everything go and put it firmly in God’s hands. It’s the absolute best decision I made all year.

Refocus

It’s 2020 for real today. No, I’m not going to waste time with a cliche vision parallel.

What I will say is this. I made 10 very realistic goals. Those goals all align with my passions and purpose. It’s going to take great discipline and impeccable dedication. With that in place, I could really get everything I want before summer ends. So I got to get to work.

I’m looking at this goal list this morning and I truly understand that if I complete 1, 5 or all 10 task that it was something I did or didn’t do. My fate is firmly in my own hands and I got to do something with it. I like the feeling though. This lets me know that my mind is shifting and I’m breaking away from a conditioned uniform mentality and I am holding myself accountable for my lifestyle. Not a company or another person; Me. Every single month of this year should get me closer to my goals.

So let’s get to work! The better side of life, is on the other side of sacrifice.

Before The Decade Ends! A Letter To Myself

Yo! What’s good, Man?

Look, I know it’s still 2 full months of this decade left, but if I know you, you’re already thinking about May 2020. So before this decade ends lets talk right now.

The 2010’s were wild man. A lot of lessons learned. You did a lot of things you’d thought you’d never do both positive and negative. You became a father! That’s how we kicked the 2010’s off! Stop beating yourself up over that. You truly are doing the best you can and it’s getting better. You’re winning the battle with yourself and your emotions in that situation. I know it gets rough, but stand strong. Let the man you’re still becoming take over this situation. Remember, no woman, court or dollar amount can stop you from being the father you want to be.

You got your taste of terrestrial radio. We thought that would be it. We thought we found a career path that we could stick with forever. What we found is eye opening lessons about black people, black business and how it’s always going to be a struggle if people don’t like you, no matter the industry. You didn’t let that stop you though! Podcasting is your thing! Keep running with it. I know it’s not paying what you want or need, but you got something special here. All three of your shows are gold! Just keep pushing, man.

Writing has again saved and improved your life. You seem to be more in tune with yourself more than ever. I know writing a lot of things out helped with that. Keep it real, all those raps from the 2000’s didn’t cover everything and a lot of that seeped out in the 2010’s, huh? Yeah I know. What’s dope is how you diversified your writing. You had, blogs, journals, you wrote for websites, got back into poetry and also put out a book! Next decade lets put out those other 2 books. The people that you can’t see and don’t know want to read it. Get on those audiobooks too, bro! Seriously! I’m so happy you’re writing again and taking it seriously. Your mind moves at a pace too fast to keep it all concealed.

You turned 30 this decade and had a few health issues. Glad to see you gradually adopted better lifestyle choices. Always remember it’s a marathon. Don’t feel obligated to go at anyone else’s pace but your own. Even with all that your 30’s was still lit! You still had a lot of first. You may have lost some friends to death, but you gained a partner for life with your wife! Marriage was never in the written plan, but you made an awesome pick! Hell, a lot of who you are becoming is because of her. That’s special. That’s rare. Don’t give up though. I know those talks you had about marriage are real to you, but that was a different time. Those growing pains were rough, but look at you two. Seemingly closer now than ever before. That’s a great thing.

You might have buried “Shoohstopugh” in 2009, but the names didn’t stop there. You picked up “The Captain” then flipped to “CamQuotes” a quick stint as “Life Writer Cam” which lead you back to “CamQuotes” to now just saying fuck all this name shit and Sticking with “Cam.” I get it. The industry tells you to have a persona, be a personality and have a name. The wild thing is “Cam” was always cool enough, figuratively and literally. All those changes may have felt like they were for nothing, but it’s all signs of growth. Nice touch on using your family nickname for social media. It’s still you at the core and it already has a built in audience. You’re always going to be “Camp from The Port” no matter how much money or fame you get and no matter where you move.

Speaking of social media. I know you kind of want to leave forever. I know you’re planning on making some changes. I’m telling you, do what you feel. If you’re thinking and working better without it, so be it. If it’s the cause of your creative wall or stunting you mental growth at times, log out. Sign off, detox and comeback when you’re ready. You’re a creative loner that grew up latchkey. You’ve never talked to this many people at one time in one day in your life ever! No one understands more than me how burnt out you are. Make it make sense for you and no one else.

G, next decade you’ll be in your 40’s! Wow! And guess what? You’re still not old! You are aware that youth is of the mind and spirit. You are at the pulse of experience. Your 40’s are going to be amazing when you get there. Embrace it all! You’ll probably going to be the best human being you’ve ever been. Embrace and enjoy!

We can talk forever, but I know time won’t allow that. Keep living and doing for you! Be everything you want to be without regard for opposing views. Keep that self awareness, love and passion to be phenomenal in every way.

Talk soon, Fam.

Love.