Anger and Sacrifice

Today honestly started off well. Then I got a message, that prompted me to make a call and it pretty much ruined the bulk of my afternoon. It happened because I let it, but still ruined nonetheless.

The anger, I couldn’t help. I hate when people don’t listen to me. I speak clearly and directly so when I don’t listen or am misunderstood, it bothers me. I try not to get so enraged, but it’s difficult during certain moments. What I hate equally and possibly more is people who talk down to me or get smart with me. I hate that because given the size of someone’s mouth, I know for a fact they wouldn’t have the courage to speak to me that way if we met in person. Especially if I am not leading with a venomous speech directed at them. Getting smart and or trading insults with people online or over the phone isn’t the coolest thing you can do with your life and time. It also won’t ever give you a stamp of “tough guy”. I was so fired up today, I ended one of the calls with “Don’t get smart, BITCH! I’ll fucking kill you.” Then I immediately hung up because I realized that my boiling point had completely spilled over. Even getting that out didn’t make me feel better. I wanted a real altercation. I wanted to reach out and touch this obviously young and ignorant soul who felt it was ok to talk down to me and be disrespectful. Blood would have made me feel better in the moment, although it would have been completely foolish and truly not worth it. If I woke up one morning in prison over that, I’d feel like the dumbest man on planet earth.

You know why I got so mad? Because I’m poor. Not broke. Broke is at least check to check. Poor is below broke. It’s owing with no end in sight. The place where every little bit helps, but it’s truly not enough. Poor is the realization that you are unable to survive daily without the help of others. That’s where I currently reside. It won’t be permanent, but it’s a reality. Had I not been so low, I don’t think I would have gotten as mad. Why? because the mere words of a faceless being wouldn’t have jabbed at my soul so viciously if I was prospering financially. I could have laughed it off or just ignored it if I was in a better financial space. I got angry because I felt like a scared dog in a corner. A scared dog attacks with intent to kill. To dig deeper. When you have very little, you know fight or flight and everything is a fight. That’s what I was ready to do. Fight and survive. It manifest the characteristics of a wild animal and that was honestly traits of my behavior today. It’s not right, but it was real.

After the calls today, I thought of one word. Sacrifice. I’m on a mission to $0. That means owing nothing and no one by any means. Even if that means I come last, so be it. I am going to work consistently to repair all the financial woes in my life and live below my means like never before. I’m not a “designer label nut” nor do I buy expensive shoes, tech gadgets or try to vacation, so those aren’t bad habits I have to break. What I will break is this cycle of having just enough or not enough. It’s time I live in abundance. I made myself a new affirmation to put on my phone for wallpaper. It will be my ultimate reminder of Sacrifice. It’s also a reminder that once I reach this affirmation, I’ll never have to be this angry at faceless rude people ever again. Here’s to day one of a new life of positivity, carefree, abundance!

When The Hate Inside Dies

I just let a person know that I am done hating them today. A person who I loathed for so long. A person who’s death was wanted and at one time I felt would grant me great solace. I know, I couldn’t believe I did it either. I tell you what though. It felt really good to do it. I felt some release of pressure and a regaining of power while crafting this letter and a great deal of closure when delivering it.

It’s wrong to hate and I knew that. I’ve always known that. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in the wrong that has been done to you and wanting retribution for those wrongs that you lose yourself and who you are supposed to be in the midst of the madness. I was definitely lost. My anger, fire and hatred would eat me alive and completely exhaust me.

I want to say it’s almost a year to the date when I had the conversation with my mom about this person. I told my mom, “I’m over all of this. The hating, arguing and fighting. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m going to focus on me and what matters most to me.” My mom was glad to hear me say that. Although I said it that day, I didn’t make the person aware of that. I will say when I made up in my mind that I would cease my hatred things changed. The change was within me. I became more relax, carefree and focused on my true task. The sight of this person and the sound of their voice wouldn’t ignite fury as it once did before. As I let go of more rage, hate, fury, anger and wrath, I began to see better. I also began to care less about that persons actions towards me. That gave me a sense of power. Power I don’t think I’ve felt with this person ever. That’s how I know it was the right thing to do.

This person and I won’t be friends. I’m working on 100% forgiveness, but will never ever forget the things this person made me feel. Those feelings consumed me and almost ruined my life. It’s why I’m in a state of mental repair. We’ll probably never have a relationship of trust, but God willing there will be some respect moving forward. No matter the future, I am at peace today. I have began to heal, by letting go and focusing on the things in life that really matter to me. I am empowered by slaying my internal hate and it’s beautiful.