I’m officially on day 31 of thinking about what to do with my life. I’m refreshed, I’m clear and my overall demeanor is focused. This is all in the wake of a lot of lost, misfortune and expectations not being met this year.
I’m thinking about my goals and the life I see for myself and honestly, I believe there is one more sacrifice to make. This one may be deemed so crazy that I don’t even want to share in detail here. What’s clear right now is there’s nothing standing in my way and no one has the opportunity to talk me out of what’s in my mind. That may be the scenario that I’ve truly been asking for all this time.
What’s very real is my podcasts, magazines and shirts are what I want to do with my life. Every investment I can make to those is a great benefit. The question that remains is, how much of a sacrifice am I willing to put towards all of it? How uncomfortable am I willing to be? How much am I willing to put on the line to show how much I believe? I think I’ve found a new level that I am willing to go for all the above. There are still things I want. There’s a new level of sacrifice to get them. Every sacrifice is not meant to be understood or explained; So I won’t. I’m just going to plan and pray. My gut is telling me to step out on faith and do something that I don’t think many people around me could or would do. And maybe that’s all the reason why I have to make it happen.
On April 15th, I started a countdown to my 38 Birthday. It was about all the thoughts on my mind and things I hope to improve on as I venture deeper into my late 30’s. Here’s my complete list of 30 thoughts before 38.
A web search excited my spirit and brought me back to 10 years ago. 10 years ago I was in my dream car and it truly felt like a dream. I hated when I had to trade it in for something more reliable. Looking back I was just in over my head and couldn’t afford to repair what needed to be fix, pay the note and relocate at the same time. So I traded it in and got a safe and reliable vehicle that looking back gave me a lot of security and less heartache. It was a great car. It just wasn’t this car.
During my search, I found my car again! 6 years newer but exactly the one I had bought. Probably 12,000 more miles than when I bought mine, but also about half the price of the one I originally bought now 12 years ago. I want it! No, scratch that. I’m going to get it! It didn’t happen for no reason. All my energy is in to making this happen and doing it smarter than the last time. I’m excited to make another aspiration in to a goal.
The memories I have are still tangible. The clothes I bought, the music I listened to, the art that I created. All were influenced by this vehicle. I was truly happy. I was truly in love with this vehicle. It was more than a means of transportation. It was truly an extension of my life and times.
This one is for the old me that didn’t understand who he had to be to get what he wanted and the sacrifice in him to keep it. It’s a new day and a new me, but I want that old thing back. I want it for me. To accomplish something special for my self esteem, patience and growth. I can’t wait to share the news of me being the proud owner again! This time, I won’t let go without a great fight.
As 2019 set in and as the days go by, I’ve become antsy and anxious. Anxious for a whole new endeavor. One that speaks to my spirit and ambitions. What I want to do and what I am paid to do must cross paths and become one again. I am ready to make that a reality again. It’s time I take steps towards doing that.
Yesterday, it became blindingly obvious to me that I sit amongst people that don’t believe that they can do anything. I listen to them shoot down a young persons aspirations to make a move, try something different and embrace change. It honestly made me angry. How can people sit and just tell someone “don’t do that” or “you shouldn’t do that” because they never did or more than likely, just don’t know how to do it. I’ve had similar conversations with this group before, but I’m so far in my optimism that they just run out of words and or excuses. Although I’m sure they don’t “mean to be” they’re too negative and I honestly don’t want to be around long enough for it to become a mindset that I embrace
Do I belong here? That is a question that I have answered emphatically with a “NO!” in recent days. It’s no offense to my current life and lifestyle, but this isn’t it. This isn’t me. I wasn’t meant to do this long term and it’s more than obvious now that I have a clear mind and a greater outlook on the life that could be. The normalcy and average way of life is one I am just not meant to live. It doesn’t excite me enough to keep me going, so I must move one.
I have a new fire. A fire that is waiting to bust out of my circumstance and go after what I really want. I’m going to take a big risk this year. I am going to have a new conversation and I am going to do something that I didn’t even think I would do just 3 weeks ago. I’m in a great space with a new mindset and I truly am ready, to get back to the original business I tended to before life became too much to bear.
I don’t have details. I just have thought and action. It’s time. I’m better than ever mentally. I’ve gotten what I needed to prepare me for the next phase. Now, it’s time to get what I want.
I went from thinking how will I get money to pay what’s owed
To now a 9 To 5 with my passions on hold
Add that to quality time that’s needed each day
And no wonder why some dreams ain’t been worked on today
24 hours really is a whole lot of day to achieve
I just got to find the time and move effectively
Maybe one less hour of sleep
Maybe I could wake up around 4 to accomplish some things
8-10 hours a work does hurt
But being on the street with your family feels worse
As the man of the house
I can’t let them down
But I got to be in a space to make it happen right now
So I’m off to work
With my dreams on my mind
Thinking can I leave early
And will the rent be on time
Get ready as I prepare a great balancing act
Cause wanting it bad enough means I can handle all that…
My life is as good as I know
Or as good as I think
There was a time when I thought
That no good is for me
Experienced a lot of have nots
And “why me” things…
Cause my thoughts weren’t great…
I been so broke I can’t leave the house
Left Plan A and up to Plan K routes
Feeling like I’d never have any way out
Cause I thought that way…
When I said I had no friends with me
When I felt I always had an enemy
Those things would really bother me mentally
Cause I thought that way…
Now I see a vision of a millionaire
Who’s getting what he wants
And always takes care
Who gets nothing but love
And not afraid to share
Cause I thought things changed…
So you bout see me evolve
And get what I want
Give something to you
Have enough for all
The beautiful life ahead
I already saw
Cause I thought that way…