I love that we live in a world where you can still make a career and life out of sports and entertainment, even if you’re not in the 1% of the most talented or elite. Now, if we can get at least 50% of people to believe that…
It’s been a trying few days, but I woke up feeling better. I woke up ready to get back to the new routines that I have started and with a more positive outlook than I’ve had lately.
In the midst of my financial troubles, personal struggles and internal thoughts, I doubted God and the existence of him or her. I’ve had moments where I have truly hated life and the feeling of never getting over or winning felt very real. I was beyond defeated. I was stuck. Mentally in a trance and numb to the pain. Unable to truly cry or react effectively.
As all those things happen, I see a FB post from a person I know that had been going through similar struggles previously. And how through all of his lows he stayed believing and stayed faith filled. I was reading his words as if I wrote them myself cause I too was in the midst of some of the same storms. Do I know when it will end? No. I just hope that it’s soon. I want it to be over, but its’ not on me to determine when.
Anger won’t help. Hate won’t help. Crying won’t help. Drinking won’t help, but continuing to work and being in the mindset of high faith will. It’s so hard to do that when you look back on your life and know better times. It’s even worse when you can see even better than those times in your mind, but reality is showing you different.
I’m alive and able to go for my dreams another day. Yeah, life be messed up sometime, but I’ll be alright. After all, I told myself I was great. I told myself, I can’t be stopped. So it’s time I start listening to myself and get back to being all I am, so I can achieve everything I see.
God. I have shunned and doubted you. I am sorry. I’m just so hurt and frustrated that the bad has hit harder than the good lately. You’ve hit me with so much good recently that I shouldn’t even be focused on the bad. Again I am sorry. I’m back to working and being patient. You know what I want and obviously I’m not ready for it yet. Please continue to prepare me for that time. In your name. Amen.
Maybe I Don’t Believe In God Enough…
How could I while thinking My destiny is in my own hands
Like I’m going to pull the strings to solely create my desired reality
Like I’m truly in control of the narratives true or fallacy
Maybe I don’t believe in God Enough…
Faith fails in the midst of worry
The wonders of why others succeeded and how should scurry
Cause what’s meant for me is to focus and keep working
I Don’t believe in God enough…
Because when I left that job, I got scared
I felt devalued and too weird
No clue how to get more
And walked consumed with silent fears
I didn’t trust his process
Block out the nonsense
Prepare myself for a better day
Understand that “He Got This”
When I believed in God enough…
Great passions were revealed
Foggy paths became clear
The right people reach out
I started conquering self doubt
Found new life to create
Knew I was down but not done and out
Do I believe in God enough???
I’d have to say such
Now it’s time to know what happens
When I believe in God too much…
It’s Christmas Eve night and I’m the last one up. Wide awake, sober and in an odd calm space. A calm space that I haven’t been for a few holiday seasons. I can’t explain what or why, so I’m just going to write some things out.
I can feel the shift in my life happening. There is this gray area of “what’s next?”. A real unknown, yet self assurance that things will be fine. I couldn’t tell you where my next paycheck is coming from, but I can assure you as long as I never lose my thirst to work and succeed, I’ll truly never be broke.
No sob stories for me. This year was made to make the life story more compelling. The plan was always greatness. I guess gracious and grateful were the lessons to be learned first. I’m not going to get down or be down. I been creating at an all time high. I’m excited for the media and broadcasting moves I am making and for the first time I feel great reward within all my potential risk. I’m still praying to be busy, but only because I can handle it. It’s time to conquer the life I see for myself. No holding back. Going for it all.
Have a Merry Christmas! I know this one life we live can get crazy. I know you may feel like giving up and like it can’t get any worse than this. Don’t let this temporary situation still your thunder or your joy. Whether you have a big beautiful family or if you’re in this world going at it alone. Always know, it gets better after you truly believe it does. Have a great night.
The way I try sometimes
Makes me not want to believe in God sometimes
Because it doesn’t seem like he sees my strides
Or even understands my reasons or cries
I want to wake up and not feel a way
Want to get what I’m working for
Then fight the next day
I’ll work to eat
Fight harder to keep
Break off and share
Give strength till weak
The way I cry sometimes
Makes me think God just ignores and sighs
Like he wouldn’t help
Or really care if I died
Like my good can wait
And like my sufferings fine
Who cares who you would help
Who cares who you could be
Who cares what you would do
Who cares what you believe
The way I try sometimes
Makes me want to breakdown and cry sometimes
I been working, having faith
Still no light in sight
Makes me think
It’ll be like this till I die.