It’s so many victims with bloody hands
I’m writing pages to a book that I shouldn’t release
But to keep it bottled in is a disservice to me
Perfection is a suit I’ve never purchased for me
I just want the feeling of freedom in a moment to breathe
Exhaling the bull, I prepare to take charge
Living in a rush, like I could ever lap God
Tense because the world has given me a new guard
Love that I survived cause black life is real hard
I’m writing pages to a book that I shouldn’t release
I’m going to do some things many wouldn’t believe
Help or Hurt? Yes, and a change you may see
Maybe the pages won’t publish, but I can not delete
So man! It’s been a minute right? I’ve been trying to stay off of my public safe space because I’ve been in several moods and emotions and to be real; It’s not quite ready for even my public safe space yet.
I’m still thinking about my grandma. I have new thoughts about my personal life. I have a new mindset on self care. It’s a lot going on in my mind to say the absolute least. I’m going to try and pump out a little art to y’all though. Maybe a few writings will help me get back into a better mental space.
Hope everybody is taking the quarantine seriously. At the same time I hope blacks and latinos aren’t co-signing every word that is being said about us and the coronavirus on the news. Always keep in your mind we as a delegation went from “Black folks can’t catch the coronavirus” to the news now telling us 50% of all coronavirus deaths are black people. That’s not some coincidental news to me. AmeriKKKa has been capitalizing off of Black Fear for a long time. Don’t think they wouldn’t do it during a pandemic.
Whether you are staying busy or just staying safe, good for you. Don’t get wrapped up in people telling you what you got to do or work on right now. You supposed to do you. That’s the only thing that matters right now. As long as you are doing that, all will remain well.
Well, Let me attempt to tell my life colorfully so I can relax and finally get into Snowfall.
Be Safe, wear mask and wash your entire body thoroughly…and your clothes. Love!
Your incoherent nature
Aloofness to your surroundings and interactions
The table that turns only to your right
Or things will go left with spite
The victimhood you maintain
Residing in “Hoax Valley” with only others to carry the blame
In the mirror with no reflection
Unseen, unheard but still professing
2020 has started off great in the reality check department for me. I’ve had a chance to reflect on missed opportunity and the why. Sometimes you can just not be ready. Other times it could simply be that the opportunity wasn’t meant to be. Then there are the times where you might have talked yourself out of a situation by wanting too much too soon or too much in general.
Under the guise of “Know your worth” it’s also important to “Know what you’re doing currently” and that isn’t talked about much. Currently we are in a society where everyone is saying “Go get what’s yours” and we live by the Jay lyric of “Overcharging for what they did to the Cold Crush”, but one key thing left out is; Have you earned the opportunity to do that? Today, I sit here and think maybe, just maybe I haven’t.
Sometimes we get wrapped up in “what we’ve done” and that puts an incorrect price tag on our worth. We may be speaking from a tone of “Give me back pay” when actually the real task is proving you are still worth what you got and some more. You can only prove that by seizing an opportunity and showing insurmountable worth during that time. Many of us feel that we should get everything up front so we can show and prove. That no matter the circumstance or industry is inaccurate. Real life, no one cares what we’ve done. They care about what we can do for them right now. Every day, week, month, quarter and year is a chance to prove that you are earning your spot, your dollar and the next opportunity. That should be embraced, especially if you truly believe in yourself and what you have to offer. Maybe it was the exhaustion of my mind and the subtle trauma and bitterness the hits me at times, but I lost sight of that. I realize now that I wanted someone else to pay for what I’ve already done. I was hoping that payment would prove that I am everything I said I was. As I reflect I know that’s wrong. I know that’s wrong because of watching Carmelo Anthony’s story.
Melo is a great example for all of us. He’s not the 100 million contract guy anymore, but he was definitely always able to play NBA level basketball. The league put him in a tight spot, citing him as the problem and seemingly forcing him out while his tank was at least 3/4’s full. It all boiled down to Melo simply wanting to play basketball. It wasn’t about being option 1 or having a franchise tag or huge contract. His bottom line was “I wanna hoop and I still can hoop” give me a chance to prove that.
Now with the Blazers, He took an opportunity to prove that he can still hoop vs wanting a price tag he felt he was worth. I applied Melo’s situation to mine. What’s real about my situation is that I truly do want to be apart of the entertainment industry. It’s also clear that I don’t want to be in the same sector I once was. I can finally close the door on that because I just don’t have it in my heart anymore. I really gave it all I had and end of the day, I don’t feel like that portion of the game loved me back. The great thing about the entertainment industry is that there are so many other “IN’s” and you can still do everything you dreamed just by simply walking through a different door. I’m at the doorway of that different door. I’ve knocked. I’m patiently waiting.
I’ll be back in the entertainment industry full time by summer. I can feel it. It’s time to get some new love at a new door. “I wanna hoop”.
I saw a post from Steve Stoute giving his “10 Secrets of Success” this weekend. As a person who really admires Steve Stoute and what he’s done, it immediately caught my attention. One of his rules really stood out to me and I didn’t really understand why until I realized what had happened to me earlier last week.
“To get you want, you must do things you don’t want to do”
That resonated with me deeply after the conversation I had on Thursday. I started thinking, what will be that thing, I don’t want to do? Will be wrapped in a destination? Will it be with an undesired person? Will it be as simple as having to wait a little while longer and stretching time? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am excited to get what I want. So excited about getting it that I am not sure that there is much I won’t do to get what I want.
This is going to be a special year. I’m in a real special time and I’m hoping that I’m truly ready to pull out all the stops and take my life to a very special place. What will my next opportunity look like? I can’t wait for God to reveal it.