Choosing Happiness, Forever!

As the year comes to a close and we embark on a new decade, I must make a choice for ultimate change. I won’t be the same man, making the same decisions the same way in 2020 and beyond. With that said, I will begin to make decisions based on happiness first and not second or last. Life, love, career, everything! Happiness will be the root of my decision making moving forward.

I’ve spent most of my life taking jobs “for the the money”. I can count on 1 hand the number of jobs I honestly wanted to do and loved doing regardless of the pay. I’ve gotten too wrapped up in “knowing my worth” and “what the market says” what this or that job should be and it’s left me empty. Present day, I’m holding a day job that pays the bills. I don’t want to make it a career. I’m not passionate about the industry or day to day operations. I don’t care if I excel or move up in the company. I want more money though. That never changes. They could never not give me a higher dollar amount that I wouldn’t take. However, would that truly make me happy? I’ve felt like that a lot over the last 18 years. Will the money to do a job you don’t love ever be enough? I officially understand that the answer will forever be, no. I want to stop that cycle. Great news for me is that I can.

I’ve gotten a chance to work for a great company over the last 3 years while working this other job. I love the industry, the potential of opportunities, I even like the scheduling and hours of operations. Perks are pretty cool too! What was holding me back was “not making enough money”. I looked past my happiness to try to get more than what I’ve potentially earned. I’m worried about “how to pay bills” when maybe a more humble style of living is the real answer. Getting deeper in this company is a win for many things I’ve said I always wanted to do with my life. Until today, I was going to let money get in the way of that. That thought is now non-existent! I’m going for it all. I’m going to go forward with this company and create the life I truly want in time. I got to be brave enough to take the first step and trust the process that all will be well if I remain happy and live in my purpose.

Plus, I want to set a better example for my daughter. I don’t want her to see her father always “doing what he has to do for money”. I want her to see me doing what I want to do, because happiness is the biggest payoff. I don’t want her to feel she has to “do” out of necessity. I want her to know she can experience happiness doing what she loves to do. Her watching me “do whatever” wont help that cause at all.

I’ve been unhappy numerous times and have never felt like I’ve made enough money. Let’s try to be happy somewhere and see if that’s the compensation I’ve truly been looking for all along.

In 6 Days

In exactly 6 days my official last day working in a corporate radio structure will be 3 years old.

I remember every emotion I went through during that time. I was extremely hurt, angry, hateful and on edge. I felt disregarded, disrespected, unappreciated and felt as if I was suppose to believe I didn’t matter. Those kind of emotions send you on a whirlwind. One that is tough to recover from. All you have is revenge and payback on your mind. Your attitude is “fuck everybody that doesn’t fuck with me” and if it’s fake love, fuck you twice! I was there; Firmly in a hellfire and ready to scorch any being in my reach to their soul if they opposed me. Needless to say it was a bad time.

I had an idea of what I wanted to do, but in reality I had no plan. My exit strategy was accelerated and “help” was minimal or non existent. All the true planning I had was rooted in emotion. I was going to work, but the only actual plan I had was to be happy, feel better about myself and get in an environment where I was loved, respected and appreciated. I wanted to be all of those things so bad in an industry I felt I was born to be in. I was never trying to leave the game, just my environment. I never once thought that I wasn’t supposed to be in broadcasting. However, I did have no clue how I would remain in it with all the emotions flowing through me.

I wasn’t even sure if I should apply for media jobs based on what I had been through. I wasn’t convinced that “things would be different or better” changing companies or markets. I was extremely jaded on what would be the reality. I also looked at the people that “agreed with me” yet maintained position just fine. Again, I was jaded. It doesn’t matter how they function, it’s about me. How am I doing? What will I do to make things right for me? That’s what matters. Not how others words and actions don’t align correctly.

So many reality checks about this game and the people I met in it prepared me for life as I see it now. I understand that “family” talk is just business and many people will only help you as much as you can help them. That new understanding helps me never take certain things personal. One of the most valuable lessons learned was, Many people can’t really help you cause they can’t really help themselves. Some people are not where they want to be and have too much ego to help you get a step closer to where you want to go. That’s a couple valuable lessons of life and industry business for me.

My downtime back in my hometown gave me a chance to exhale and restart. I got back to working smart. Having no shame in starting from the real bottom and on the outside. Not being concerned if the likes, calls, texts and friendships got light or non existent. I wanted to be in the media and entertainment industry, not be everybody’s popular friend.

Fast Forward I work 2 jobs. One Entertainment industry related and making strides. I do 2 podcasts a week and developing a third. I’m writing my ass off, put out a book and the people that genuinely mess with me are still here. I WIN! I live for me and not the perception of what’s popping. Layla’s Daddy can’t be a lame in a quest for clout. Her Daddy works; And the work is the work!

I won’t lie and act like I didn’t try to go back to the place I once loathed. I thought a different market would be a good second chance for me. As the process broke down, it was clear that I would have ass to kiss, would need to “humble myself and be grateful” to be back, because I’m basically still a piece of shit human being to a few too many people that still hold power there. Another valuable lesson learned. My desire has changed so much that I know our paths will cross again. I’ll leave it at that.

In 6 days, it will have been 3 years since I started over. On that 6th day, I will be in my hometown around family, love and with great peace of mind. Everything I was searching for when I pulled up 3 years ago, in my hometown, in the middle of my family reunion, with no career, but plenty of faith.

That Quitting Feeling

For a few weeks now, I’ve been getting the urge to quit one of my jobs. Not because I hate it. Not because I’m not getting the respect or validation I want from a company. But because I know it’s not leading me to a path I want to be on. It’s very rare to have job where you like management, the task you do, most of the people and the pay is “ok” and still want to leave. That’s how I know it’s time to go. I’m not even allowing myself to get comfortable at what many would consider a “very good job”.

Life gets easy when you figure out what you want to do with it. I have a true destination and plan now and one of my jobs just doesn’t fit it. It’s time I take steps to walk away from it. Part of that will be leaning more into the things I really want to do. I don’t want to waste anymore valuable time not going for what I really want.

I’ve never quit a job because I knew what I wanted to do before. It was all about not wanting to be where I am at the time or making sure I use my diploma or certification in the field of knowledge. This is different. I have no real problems or issues. I don’t loathe showing up or the experience. I just want to do something that I am truly interested in no matter what dollar is thrown at me. I’m willing to sacrifice everything but my happiness. Let’s see what happens.

Image by Ben Allen from Pixabay

Where Passions Truly Lie

Nothing like downtime to really put things in a real perspective. I have been sitting with some thoughts. Now it’s time to test how “real” they are.

It’s becoming glaringly obvious that I’m not passionate about the same things anymore. Things like terrestrial Radio, interviewing celebrities and being a “serial entrepreneur”. These were the things I thought I really wanted out of life. Things I thought I’d do forever. They’re still cool, but not what I want to do forever or consistently for that matter.

My glaring passions include Live shows and events, stylish jackets, boots and dressy/formal attire. Add that with my podcasts and I’m in a whole new vibrant direction. These were things that I always had an affinity for and can tie them to so many stories and moments in my life. I just never thought about doing anything with them that could lead to a career. I never wanted to be a model or fashion designer, however I have always liked to look my best or like I’m the flyest human being on earth! It’s time I start channeling these passions and really making something happen with them.

I’ve always loved concerts and live shows. I think it’s the best experience for any fan of music or people. Seeing someone live can make or break their support. Providing a great live show experience is something I’ve gotten to do on a small scale and hope to make it happen on a greater scale soon.

Now the question is, how do I turn my passions into cool careers?

Career Anxiety

Yesterday it became painfully obvious that I have been dealing with an anxiety deeply rooted in my career path.

It was in my mind that the treatment that I received in the past would be a constant thing no matter where I went and I became very cautious, anxious, unnerving and even angry about that. I never want to feel those past feelings again. I just want to grow and be successful.

A few conversations let me know “This ain’t that” and I may even be a great fit. So I made the step. I reached out. What will come of it? Only time and God know that answer. The most important thing is I feel secure, hopeful and ready to take on the challenge if it’s given.

Here’s to another iron in the fire.

It Hasn’t Been The Best Day

Nothing sends your mind in a complete whirlwind more than starting off your morning with losing your wallet.

I was going to Mariano’s to get my self some breakfast and lunch for work and realized I didn’t have my wallet on me. I’m an adult so my wallet is my life! I rushed back home, search the house, car, clothes even searched the dumpster before the garbage truck came. It wasn’t there. I checked them all several times. Still nothing. As I write you now I still don’t have it. It’s crazy cause I have absolutely everything I had on my person, including the receipt from the restaurant I went to yesterday but no wallet. I called the restaurant. They were nice, but not too helpful.

It was hard to sleep with that on my mind. And now that Chase doesn’t issue cards at Branch anymore I had to think of a plan and quick. Oh yeah, they also won’t help you without any kind of ID so I took yet another L in the process.

I wanted to at least try to sleep before work so that along with no money prevented me getting anything done at the DMV. I hope I can at least get that so I can move forward with getting everything else I need to function as an adult in society.

With all that, I get written up at work today. They say it was a productivity drop from me last week. It sucks cause I do my task how they say do them. I don’t take the shortcuts and I do things most won’t on the job and the result is being reprimanded. I just don’t get it. How can doing what management asks you to do be so wrong? If I’m being honest, it looks like the writing is on the wall again….Not even sure what to do now…

When you’re written up for BS reasons, you are under scrutiny and start being micromanaged. Then they can critique everything till you either adapt or vacate. With the day already a mess and my head not being in the right space, when they offered us the opportunity to punch out early, I didn’t hesitate.

This is one of those days I wish I was doing something I loved that also paid. I’m in desperate need of a real career and or a miracle. After her write up, I wanted to punch out, grab the Misses, pack up the car and just head towards a new life. No clue where that is, but I was down to do it. I wish I knew how to do what I want to do and execute that on a new level. I don’t know what steps to take to. What I do know is “just keep writing” doesn’t seem to be working towards my goal. I wish I understood what I was missing in both writing and radio.

Maybe I don’t pray hard enough or truly believe deep enough. I don’t know what it is, but I am in desperate need of a breakthrough. I have to do something to create a new stable and enjoyable opportunity.

My apologies if this reads terribly. I dosed off doing this one. I’ll edit when I’m more alert. Thanks for reading.