I want to share a proud Dad moment because there’s so many layers of elation to this.
Today, my daughter competed in a “Bible Search Competition”. It was a contest in which she competed against her entire school, which includes young people all the way up to high school. She competed and took 3rd place in the school’s competition!
I let her know how proud I was of her. I told her she did a phenomenal job and how her GG would love to hear this news right now. My daughter paused for a moment and in surprising fashion said, “But I didn’t win though…”
That made me extremely happy! Why? Because she wasn’t content with participating. It wasn’t good enough to just compete and be there. She wanted to be one of the kids that went to the national competition. That achievement went to 1st and 2nd place. She got 3rd and she was not satisfied. I love that because even with my praise of her achievement, she decided that it wasn’t enough for her. I never want her to lose that.
I gave her all the respect. I told her that I love and appreciate her winners spirit, but to not be down. Because now she knows what it takes to get to the number 1 spot next time. She said ok and just sat for a second. I marvel at the way her 9 year old mind turns. I love how she is moving towards a winners mentality. She’s not a sore loser, but she sees no reason to celebrate if she’s not number 1 and I am more than happy with that. I’ll continue to celebrate her even when she doesn’t see the need to celebrate herself. I’m going to cheer her on whether pass or fail. She’s been winning to me since I held her in the hospital. Listening and watching her wanting to win for her; indescribable.
I am so amazed and in love with my Punkin…
I just got off the phone with my daughter and we had a moment that went deeper than normal. For the first time in a while, she opened up to me and let me know about some things that had happened to her and how she was feeling. She shared with me a bullying experience, but she also stopped because she didn’t want to be sad again. Those were her exact words and they stung a little bit. I became anxious and deeply concerned.
It lead to me explaining that she looks “more like me” than a lot of students in her class and that I actually know about being in that position. I also told her to never ever feel that the way she looks makes her “less than” or “weird” or anything else that an insecure or hurtful child might tell her.
The story did end somewhat positively, but I never want my daughter to feel hurt or feel like she can’t talk about her joy or her pain to me. I pleaded for her to call and talk to me no matter the time of the day. I told her if she’s having a bad day at school or something happens to her that she should tell me. I also told her if she’s having an amazing day I want to hear about it. I told her although I don’t live with her or in the same state that I want her to always feel that she can come to me and that I am here for her. She’s only 8, but I really took my time and feel I used the appropriate words and tone to convey my sincerity.
I never really talked to my father, ever! I don’t want to be that father. No matter the situation with her mother, I want her to know that I am accessible. I have care, concern and want to be involved in every aspect of her life. From now on, I’m going to request more detail. I need more than “good” or “ok” for her answers. I now realize that she may be going through a lot and feel she has no one to really talk to. I want to be that someone for her forever. I just hope i’m going about it the right way.
This morning, I wrote a letter. I didn’t workout. I didn’t meditate. I just started writing. I did because my mind was too congested with my fatherhood and parenting dilemmas. It makes me angry at times. I was brushing my teeth, talking to myself and angry. Angry with myself, but I know things will be ok if I just weather the storm and continue to make the best out of my unfortunate circumstance.
I wrote a letter to my daughter today. It was explaining why things are the way they are. I admitted my faults, flaws and told my truth. I also let her no why my presence is minimal. She’s only 8 so I can’t send it to her now, but I dated it just as a constant reminder of how long I wanted to tell her the things on my mind about everything. Also to let her know long before she was old enough to truly understand, I’ve been wanting to talk to her about this situation.
I don’t know when I’ll send this letter. I want to make sure it’s age appropriate for her to digest. I also want to make sure that after she reads it, we really talk about it and our lives. Cause the ultimate goal is to get closer and make our bond greater. I want her to know I’ll never give up on our relationship and that she really means the world to me.
I don’t have everyday and multiple hours, but I will always make the most of my time; But it’s so much deeper than saying that.
The picture attached to the post is a moment. A moment that believe it or not was hard to create. One the most challenging things I’ve experience in life is being a father. Not because I don’t want to be or because I not or wasn’t ready to be, but because I have to deal with a person who does’t want to be fair and compromise.
I’m constantly ran through the ringer. Made to jump through hoops and take whatever is given to me. I historically have to deal with the hand dealt or “don’t play the game”. It sucks. It hurts. I can’t believe I got myself into this situation, but then again it makes perfect sense. Why would I expect anything different from such a selfish person? This was never about me. It was never about me being the best father I could be. Why? Because someone wants to prove they are the ultimate person of control. And if they can’t get what they want then nobody else can either.
For court orders sake and because I lack legal representation, I won’t say much more here, but understand that absolutely nothing will stop me from being the father I want to be.
Even if for only a few hours, the time I have with my daughter fills my heart with so much joy. She means the world to me and I would do anything for her. We have such a great time and I need to do all I can to have more of those times.
Really going to miss my Punkinhead…Until next time.