Ready for The 2nd Half

I’ve been going out of my way to make myself happy since my birthday week and it’s hands down lead to the greatest weekend on the year! That’s saying a lot during a pandemic on top of losing my greatest listener and my personal life being in complete shambles!

I deprived myself of happiness in many ways and I didn’t even notice how visible it was. I like the fact that people are telling me “you look happy” or “It’s great to see you smiling”. I was obviously very depressed with high anxiety to kick off this year and I was in need. The need was so high that I began to feel hurt and that hurt made me act out in a couple ways I shouldn’t have.

Even though, it’s probably not recommended, I began to isolate myself. I stayed with my thoughts until it became it clear. Can’t front, dabbling more with edibles and vapes helped a great deal too! Then, I started leaning on the people around me that wanted to be leaned on. I found new listeners! People that care and want to help with what I’m going through and not just throw at me what they need, want or expect too. Those talks helped me make some decisions. Those talks help me make some apologies. Those talks helped me find peace within myself and left a path for me to start making myself happy.

I learned this year that I am the only person that has me as a top priority and that’s okay. I’m not going to cry or act like a bitch because I’m not number 1 on somebody’s list; That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Truth be told I should be 2nd on my own list because I was taught to put God first. I learned all about the weight carried of people who demand to be first in your life but don’t want or even care to consistently give you what you need. The power struggle of conforming in an effort to get a subpar inconsistent version of your wants and needs is exhausting. Tasting the freedom from that is euphoric!

It’s still a lot of year left and I’m going to do some great things. I’ve let everything go and put it firmly in God’s hands. It’s the absolute best decision I made all year.

Dealing with New Disappointment

Yesterday, I got some news that took my spirit down a few more notches than I expected. You never know how much you want something until you can’t get it. I made several real plans around a move and a moment and it’s officially not going to happen. I don’t understand why. All I want to do is be what I see in my mind. Sometimes things happen and they make you think your vision is all wrong.

Maybe that was going to hinder something else I really want. Maybe this isn’t the step that’s needed. Maybe winter isn’t the right time for all of this. Maybe I shouldn’t be in pursuit of this now.

I don’t have any answers, just disappointment. This was a forgone conclusion to me. Was I over confident? Was it just simply not my time? Only lord knows. The only thing I do know, is that giving up on myself or my goal would be stupid. And I don’t want to do anything stupid.