Moving Through The Cloud

A week ago, I wasn’t sure how I felt about this decade. I was in an odd and somewhat hurtful space. I had a lot of negative flashes. I envisioned a lot of rage filled times and missed opportunities. I seen the people that disrespected and tried to shit on me. The times I felt boxed in. The moments I was supposed to believe I was less than. The hurtful losses. The countless fears and tears. To be honest, I felt a lot of mental harm done to me throughout the last 10 years.

Then by the weekend, I snapped out of it. I did something for me and I began to think of all the great and wonderful things that happened to me. The great people I’ve met, the positive that I have done and how I literally survived what was definitely some of the worst times of my life.

I truly still don’t know what to think about this decade and a lot of people and things in it. What I do know is that I got to move forward. I’m on a greater mission and I don’t want to waste time. I want to be great and achieve things I’ve always dreamed and never expected. I can’t do that by holding on to the negatives of the past. I’m here to win and make an impact. In 2020 and beyond, I will make sure that is the bottom line.

As I take in everything that was, I prepare for what will be
The growth, gain and maturation of me

Happy New Year.

The Last 10 Years

As I look at many people sharing their 2009-2019 stories, I’m somewhat disappointed in myself. 10 years ago, I was working retail and in pursuit of a career in the wild world of radio. I got that career, but it didn’t come without a lot of resistance, drama, trials and tribulations. I unfortunately encountered some of the worst people I’ve ever met in that chapter of my life. Sure, their were good times and even great experiences. Some things I can honestly say, don’t happen to me or for me without that 6-7 year run. That’s both positive and negative.

By Late 2016, I was hurt, pissed off and jaded. Wondering what I was going to do next. Nothing really made sense and I had a very bad taste in my mouth about radio and a good number of the people in it. Present day I am somewhat back at 0. I have a total of 3 podcast, this blog site, BehindTheRhyme.com and a book out. In spite of it all, I made the most of my time. I’m nowhere near the success I want to see, but I know it’s not the end of the road for me. I’m creating my way and on my terms. It feels good, but I can’t shake where I’ve been and what I’ve been through.

I unfortunately have a lot of negative memories about the last 10 years. It’s messed up because even the great moments, personal and professional are clouded by bad. Bad people, bad energy, bad reactions to those people and their energy. I grew in ways I didn’t expect and became some things I never wanted to be. There were periods of time where I hated myself and many people around me. I became needy of pleasure because I felt overwhelming pain. Pain cause by many of the people that said they loved me or helped raise me.

I’m still dealing with a lot of emotional scars and trauma from the last 10 years. It makes it’s way out in different ways and different times. I don’t think I really have anyone to talk to, so I write. Sometimes I write here and other times in a notebook or on doc sheets I may take to the grave. I got to get it out so I feel better.

Through it all I’m optimistic. I pray life comes together for me better than this. The highs and lows of the past 10 years have taken their toll on me. So many things I never want to feel again. So many people that I want to erase, but I can’t. I just want to be better internally at this point. The 2020’s should be the best time of my life. I’m going to look forward to it with hope no matter what.

Thank God I survived the last decade. I must be here for a real reason.

Before The Decade Ends! A Letter To Myself

Yo! What’s good, Man?

Look, I know it’s still 2 full months of this decade left, but if I know you, you’re already thinking about May 2020. So before this decade ends lets talk right now.

The 2010’s were wild man. A lot of lessons learned. You did a lot of things you’d thought you’d never do both positive and negative. You became a father! That’s how we kicked the 2010’s off! Stop beating yourself up over that. You truly are doing the best you can and it’s getting better. You’re winning the battle with yourself and your emotions in that situation. I know it gets rough, but stand strong. Let the man you’re still becoming take over this situation. Remember, no woman, court or dollar amount can stop you from being the father you want to be.

You got your taste of terrestrial radio. We thought that would be it. We thought we found a career path that we could stick with forever. What we found is eye opening lessons about black people, black business and how it’s always going to be a struggle if people don’t like you, no matter the industry. You didn’t let that stop you though! Podcasting is your thing! Keep running with it. I know it’s not paying what you want or need, but you got something special here. All three of your shows are gold! Just keep pushing, man.

Writing has again saved and improved your life. You seem to be more in tune with yourself more than ever. I know writing a lot of things out helped with that. Keep it real, all those raps from the 2000’s didn’t cover everything and a lot of that seeped out in the 2010’s, huh? Yeah I know. What’s dope is how you diversified your writing. You had, blogs, journals, you wrote for websites, got back into poetry and also put out a book! Next decade lets put out those other 2 books. The people that you can’t see and don’t know want to read it. Get on those audiobooks too, bro! Seriously! I’m so happy you’re writing again and taking it seriously. Your mind moves at a pace too fast to keep it all concealed.

You turned 30 this decade and had a few health issues. Glad to see you gradually adopted better lifestyle choices. Always remember it’s a marathon. Don’t feel obligated to go at anyone else’s pace but your own. Even with all that your 30’s was still lit! You still had a lot of first. You may have lost some friends to death, but you gained a partner for life with your wife! Marriage was never in the written plan, but you made an awesome pick! Hell, a lot of who you are becoming is because of her. That’s special. That’s rare. Don’t give up though. I know those talks you had about marriage are real to you, but that was a different time. Those growing pains were rough, but look at you two. Seemingly closer now than ever before. That’s a great thing.

You might have buried “Shoohstopugh” in 2009, but the names didn’t stop there. You picked up “The Captain” then flipped to “CamQuotes” a quick stint as “Life Writer Cam” which lead you back to “CamQuotes” to now just saying fuck all this name shit and Sticking with “Cam.” I get it. The industry tells you to have a persona, be a personality and have a name. The wild thing is “Cam” was always cool enough, figuratively and literally. All those changes may have felt like they were for nothing, but it’s all signs of growth. Nice touch on using your family nickname for social media. It’s still you at the core and it already has a built in audience. You’re always going to be “Camp from The Port” no matter how much money or fame you get and no matter where you move.

Speaking of social media. I know you kind of want to leave forever. I know you’re planning on making some changes. I’m telling you, do what you feel. If you’re thinking and working better without it, so be it. If it’s the cause of your creative wall or stunting you mental growth at times, log out. Sign off, detox and comeback when you’re ready. You’re a creative loner that grew up latchkey. You’ve never talked to this many people at one time in one day in your life ever! No one understands more than me how burnt out you are. Make it make sense for you and no one else.

G, next decade you’ll be in your 40’s! Wow! And guess what? You’re still not old! You are aware that youth is of the mind and spirit. You are at the pulse of experience. Your 40’s are going to be amazing when you get there. Embrace it all! You’ll probably going to be the best human being you’ve ever been. Embrace and enjoy!

We can talk forever, but I know time won’t allow that. Keep living and doing for you! Be everything you want to be without regard for opposing views. Keep that self awareness, love and passion to be phenomenal in every way.

Talk soon, Fam.

Love.