Reflecting on time and errors made…but at least there are no regrets
Sometimes I have encounters and conversations with people that I know don’t happen for no reason. I’m working a sales job now. Not in my desired industry for a desired base pay, but the commission is ok if you actually hit above the base. Anyway, I’m out working on collecting leads and a brother stopped to talk to me and told me 2 things.
1. You can’t work 3 jobs with a wife…
2. I can’t do sales with a family. Shoot I don’t know how you doing it…
He’s not wrong, but I can’t wait and do nothing until “something better” comes along. I want to quit this job, but the way being an adult is set up, I can’t. I’m becoming a victim of my own saying. “Do what you got to do until you can do what you want to do”. I don’t know how to shake this cycle and just do what I want to do. I can’t sit at home and do nothing. Bills don’t get paid that way. Grant it, I’m not doing the best at paying them now, but imagine if I did nothing. I’m just trying to be open to everything. I’m “sucking it up” and “making the best out of this unfortunate situation” as they say. It sucks and I don’t know what to make of it. I just know work. But how do you work when nothing seems to work?
I’m in a place now where it feels like nothing I ever did in life is getting me where I want or need to go. Not graduating high school, college or getting my diploma in broadcasting. Not being a retail manager, working transportation or digital content. It’s like I’m obsolete or invisible. It makes you feel a way. I can’t hear “send me your resume” or “I’ll let you know if I hear anything” and feel good about it anymore. Then all the free work I’ve put in. Sacrificing time and money to do something for someone else and not getting paid or what I would consider a great amount of exposure. It’s hard to digest at a time like this
The greatest feeling you can have is restored Faith in yourself. I had that, but to be honest I’m really down right now. Life is leaning on me harder than ever and if I’m being completely honest, I don’t have enough of anything and I’m not sure how I can keep this up. I’m not ready to go in depth about all I need publicly, but even my faith in God is in question. Why would I sit here and go through this rough of a time period right now? Why would I be getting all these ideas and no resources? How come I am not receiving anything in any capacity that can help me long term?
I just want to survive right now. But how can you survive when you feel you have nothing left to give? I also feel that you’re not supposed to just “want to survive”. I’m supposed to want to strive, soar and live. I’m losing my will to do that because I see no end to the turmoil in my sight.
I’ve said a lot here. I’m actually a little embarrassed. I just had to get this out of my mind so I can move forward.