Proverbs 18:16

Your gift will make room for you

Thank You, Grandma.

My grandma was the realist friend I ever had on earth…I learned so much from her. She’s forever with me and I know it’s on me to step in ever aspect of life.

Since her service, the only song on my mind has been “Praise Him” (Jesus Blessed Savior) and her performing it every Sunday. Although I was extremely shy to get up and sing in church in front of everyone, I loved when she sang this when she lead devotion. She believed every word of this and she would make you feel every word. I can still hear her ad-libs in my head. Today is the first day I was able to listen to it without crying. That’s a good start. I doubt I’ll ever be over this emotionally but I hope to be stronger and better through it all

I don’t know how I’m going to do what I have to do now, but I’m going to do it. I don’t know why the new moves and ideas are on my mind, but it feels good to have them in my spirit. My guess is God is still moving for me and my Grandma is pointing down saying, “That’s my Grandson. Help him out with some direction if you could.” I want to keep doing the things that make you proud of me. Even at your visitation, I can feel you still looking out for me. If angels are real, I have the greatest one.

Thank you, Grandma. I’ll love you forever and hope to talk to you soon.

A Day of Uncertain Reflection

Since doing my taxes the other day, I felt like I may have made some key mistakes. Not on my taxes, but in life. I’m thinking about certain opportunities and things I said I wanted and didn’t get and I now wonder if I truly made a mistake.

Maybe I should have taken less because it probably will actually equate to more in current comparison. Maybe I truly haven’t earned all that I am asking for and expecting. Maybe it’s time for me to fall back and be even more patient for “my day” because today is obviously not “that day”.

It’s difficult to process, because when you believe in yourself and you want the best for yourself, you’re met with so much opposition. I feel like there has been too many times where people have tried to minimize me or sideshow me or just go out of their way to try and take me down a few notches and make me feel inferior. It sucks because it’s always someone with just a tad more power than I posses. Power is a crazy thing. It can make any man or woman feel they are worth their weight in gold. It can also make them feel as they are judge, jury and executioner of another persons worth and fate. I want to do for self, but that’s difficult to do with minimal resources. Resources have been my biggest opponent for far too long.

I’ve sat most of this day asking myself, what should I do? I’ve prayed and will pray again. Also going to take some time to meditate. I’m in need to feel true comfort and some relief. I can’t let whats outside destroy what’s inside.

It Really is A Happy Thanksgiving

It’s been a trying few days, but I woke up feeling better. I woke up ready to get back to the new routines that I have started and with a more positive outlook than I’ve had lately.

In the midst of my financial troubles, personal struggles and internal thoughts, I doubted God and the existence of him or her. I’ve had moments where I have truly hated life and the feeling of never getting over or winning felt very real. I was beyond defeated. I was stuck. Mentally in a trance and numb to the pain. Unable to truly cry or react effectively.

As all those things happen, I see a FB post from a person I know that had been going through similar struggles previously. And how through all of his lows he stayed believing and stayed faith filled. I was reading his words as if I wrote them myself cause I too was in the midst of some of the same storms. Do I know when it will end? No. I just hope that it’s soon. I want it to be over, but its’ not on me to determine when.

Anger won’t help. Hate won’t help. Crying won’t help. Drinking won’t help, but continuing to work and being in the mindset of high faith will. It’s so hard to do that when you look back on your life and know better times. It’s even worse when you can see even better than those times in your mind, but reality is showing you different.

I’m alive and able to go for my dreams another day. Yeah, life be messed up sometime, but I’ll be alright. After all, I told myself I was great. I told myself, I can’t be stopped. So it’s time I start listening to myself and get back to being all I am, so I can achieve everything I see.

God. I have shunned and doubted you. I am sorry. I’m just so hurt and frustrated that the bad has hit harder than the good lately. You’ve hit me with so much good recently that I shouldn’t even be focused on the bad. Again I am sorry. I’m back to working and being patient. You know what I want and obviously I’m not ready for it yet. Please continue to prepare me for that time. In your name. Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving.