False Feelings???

I recently had a conversation that made me rethink some things I thought I wanted and some of the people I felt I wanted around.

In this one life that we live, we are going to do and experience right and wrong. There will come a time in our lives when we all will do right and will do wrong. The thought of the week for me; I don’t want to be around any person that swears they have done no wrong ever. That’s not even realistic in life.

It’s so much talk about “vibes” “energy” and “protecting peace” but there are people out there that post all that and never see the error in their own ways and actions. Maybe your energy is being affected because of the way you talk to people. Maybe the vibe is different for you because people are tired of you looking at everybody else but yourself for all your internal and external issues and shortcomings. Maybe your peace isn’t protected because you’re moving different, keeping secrets, looking funny in the light and you’re not as 100 as you think you are. Even if you’re on point 85% of the time; The 15% still counts against you. No one is exempt from that basic math.

Not everything can be fixed with an apology. The action of changed behavior is always needed and respected more; But when you encounter a person that absolves themselves from any and all error and wrong doing; It may be best to leave them in their own ignorant bliss.

Feelings; Unaccomplished Feelings

I woke up have feelings of being unaccomplished. I’m currently caring about social media and why my following and engagement is the way it is. Keep in mind that I’m that same person who will take 7-30 day breaks from social media. I also have friends who don’t even have accounts. It’s becoming fascinating how I pick my spots to care and can’t understand why.

I’ve made a lot of goals this year. Many financial and career path based. I don’t really want to “document the journey” or “create content for new followers” at the moment. I want to take a different approach. I want to have product and build off of the product. My process is confusing and emotionally based. Somedays I’m writing one of my books. Another day I’m writing a song. Later in that day, I have someone else’s song on repeat. The entire week I could be daydreaming. I don’t think people would really want insight into most of that. Maybe I’ll give it a shot. Only saying that because I just thought of a piece of content that could be created out of a tweet I sent out yesterday.

When or if I have a manager, they are going to be extremely sick of me! I apologize in advance.

Things We Say…

One day when there’s enough money or next time when it’s this sunny
Maybe next time, when I get my taxes. Possibly next time I’ll stop and grab it
I got to do that for sure. You’re the only one that I adore
We’re soulmates, I’m love struck
We’ll be real friends no matter what

I can’t stand you and I want you gone
I hate this shit, time to move on
Why does it always have to be like this
I’m okay, I’m fine, I’m pissed
Are you ever truly gonna be sick and tired of this shit?
You’re just gonna leave like that? You sat here and lied like this?

I loved you, I hate you, you meant the world to me
I liked you, you’re real, you’re who I aspired to be
That dream is now gone, my feelings are so strong
I’ll be here forever, it’s hard to move on

Pretty soon, right now, I can’t cause fear
I’m afraid, not now, eh, maybe next year…

Image by nile from Pixabay

Deflated Feelings

It’s days like this where I really just don’t understand why life is the way it is. I truly do realize that I’m not going to get myself in a greater financial circumstance playing by “the rules”. The go to work full time, get overtime, collect your check and try to save rules. It’s getting me absolutely fucking nowhere and I fucking hate it!

Low wage is real. Debt is real. Not being able to have or find help is real. Sometimes I really think I’d be better off homeless or sleeping in a car. At least then I know I could afford to live day to day with a job. I don’t even know why I keep a job right now. It doesn’t even pay enough for me to live comfortably in the area the office resides. My reality is fucking trash and I feel out of options!

I don’t make excuses about my deductions or payments either. Hell, I should be making way more than I’m receiving so in my mind, that shouldn’t even matter. I should be able to cover that and a whole lot more!

I work so hard to try and do the right things and make the smartest decisions but it feels like there isn’t much moving in my favor. I want to get ahead financially. I really do. I don’t know why it is so elusive. It’s almost like I’m supposed to lose by design. I work; At some points in time 2 or 3 jobs at a time and I barely make money to half ass survive. It makes me anxious, depressed and uncertain that I have a real future in anything I do.

I’m over being positive right now. I need results. I can’t afford to live like this any longer. This truly isn’t the life for me. I am not going to die like this!