Disappointing Myself

Image by engin akyurt from Pixabay

This weekend, I let myself down. I let another human being, take me off my square. That person got me out of my aura and energy and took control of some of that along with my focus and time. I hate myself for that. I can’t believe I let that happen. It just proves I still got more growing to do. I’m elevating to a higher frequency and it wasn’t until this issue was complete that I realized how much of a low vibration it brought me to.

I absolutely can not let any human being have more control over my focus, energy and my time than I do. I can’t be overly consumed with another persons actions. I can control me. Not anyone one else on earth. I hate some of my thoughts and actions this weekend. I hate who I allowed myself to be and who it was for, but I’ve beat myself up about it enough. Now, we move forward. I don’t know if I passed this test, but even in failure, I learned. It will get even harder to steal my joy, my focus and my time.

The next test will be a breeze!

The Arousal of Want

Image by kai kalhh from Pixabay

Since I’ve flipped the switch and put focus on getting exactly what I want, I’ve noticed a change in myself. I see opportunity over obstacle. I believe that I can have now vs later or not at all. I am in tune with a new vibration in myself that it is channeling different senses in me. It’s also possible that this is not really a change at all. Just awareness of what happens when I want with intent to get and actually believe and pay attention.

I seen this hat online. It caught my eye and felt like it was literally calling me. I look at it from every angle and said, “I want that. That’s hot! I’m going to get that.” As I spoke those words my next inhale was euphoric, semi orgasmic even. For the first time since I can remember, I looked at an item, made up my mind to get it and a moment was created. My inhale brought a vision of me in the hat. Where I would go in it and even pictures I would take.

I didn’t worry about the price, what I would have to do to get it or the worst, say “I can’t afford it” and then begin to look for something cheaper or log off and look at nothing at all. Registering that want was arousing. It heightened my senses, made me visualize and put me on a mission to complete a task. A task that won’t be denied. For the first time probably ever, I’ve looked at an item and it’s price and said, “bet I come up with that no problem.”

After looking at that hat, I seen shirts. Shirts that maybe a month ago I seen and said “they want too damn much for that” and now those same shirts became a doable purchase. Why? Cause they match the hat and well, Your shirt got to match your hat. Shoes too if you want to get that fly. Even as I added it up in my mind, I said “that’s barely one week of hustling and hard work. I got that.” It was refreshing to have that perspective vs the down feelings and sometimes literal depression of not getting something that I truly wanted. And the only person who ever said I couldn’t get it, was me. I’ve talked myself out of more wants than I can remember. And why? I never “made enough to get it one day” or always found another reason why I should wait a little longer. I work and hustle hard. Why do I not spoil myself? Why do I not believe I deserve to get nice things for me? That was a question I didn’t even know I had to answer until this week.

I been collecting pictures of things I’ve always wanted, but never got because “I felt I couldn’t have it” or “didn’t feel it was the right time to get it.” What I’ve realized is that was negative conditioning for me. It subconsciously taught me to settle and compromise. Dial back my desire. Waiver on my wants. Get what you say you can afford, not what truly catches your eye. It’s over for that. I’m on a path to spoil as I create victories. I’m going to entice and delight myself after a job well done and with money well earned. I am going to get exactly what I want in every aspect.

I think it’s a great part of mental conditioning too. If I can’t get the shirt, hat, jacket or shoes that I want. How will I get the vehicle, home and business I want? If I can’t get my little wants how on earth will I prepare for the big wants? They all take the same methodology. See it, believe you can get it, work towards it, acquire it. Doesn’t sound like that can coexist with settling, so I’m officially ridding my mind of settling. I will also rid my mind of compromise and waiting. I’ve waited long enough and you know what? One day never came and I’m sure that same amount of money or more went to something I either don’t remember getting or didn’t satisfy me as much as what I originally wanted.

I may be late to this party and school of thought, but the real festivities are only beginning. Rewards for my work and effort are in my sight and I have a beautiful view.

When The Pen Dwindles

Sometimes I go on writing binges and the words just flow at a volume so high that I don’t even try to stop or understand it. I just begin to create piece after piece and schedule things out so it’s a little easier to digest.

The last couple of weeks I have slowed down. The volume has decreased and the content is more technical than creative. I’ve written bios, music reviews and societal perspective pieces. I think they all came out well. However my lyrics, poems and erotica series have taken a hit. I don’t want to force it because the content suffers but I also don’t want to leave my audience hanging.

Perhaps the tasks of writing a series weekly was a little too much. I came out the gate firing but now I want to capture the same flow and fire I had when I started in November and it’s becoming difficult. No matter what I won’t cheat the reader. They will get a great story and I will make sure that only the best foot is put forward when a piece releases. Just may take more time than expected.

I also made new book plans even though I have one that still needs promotion as new eyes are still finding it. What a time to be a writer!

A New Routine

Surgery and downtime have given me more time than normal to digest positive content, think and restructure. I’ve been attempting to push my mind in the direction of new possibilities and disciplines with no limits.

I realized how serious I need to get about changing my life and the little things I have not done to cause change. So in my downtime I’ve come up with a few things to keep me honed in on what matters.

Getting up at 4:30: So far so good. Doing this in an effort to make sure I workout, write or just simply create in an effort to eliminate excuses about being tired later.

Changed half of my 2019 goals from wants to needs: I want a lot of things, but if I really want those rewards, I really need to focus on things like being debt free first.

Not checking emails or social media for the first hour I’m up: I got this from Daymond John. He’s on to something with that. Now, I listen to music or I’m creating something and the first hour flies by. When I’m cleared to workout it will go even faster.

This surgery was truly a blessing in disguise. Obviously health is important and I took a positive step in that direction. That surgery then allowed me to take steps to improve my mentality and routine.

Outside of today I’ve been up as early as 3:30am. Progress was made each day. 2019 is going to be a phenomenal year. I will be the best version of myself to date.

Have a great Friday!

Note to Self: You’re Doing Enough

As soon as I started agonizing over my have nots and why I’m not being noticed or feel like things are not moving forward, I remembered the things that have been very consistent for the last year and change.

1. Writing on this blog

2. First Black Champ Podcast

3. Bangin On Lunch Tables Podcast

Those 3 things take a lot of time and energy that I do have to give and honestly could give more to.

Maybe I need to get those stronger than ever before I try moving on to different things or creating other content. With my creative energy pointed in these 3 directions, something great is bound to arise.

Sorry self. It’s not that you’re not doing enough. You just haven’t created enough success with what you have to move on. Let’s double down on our big three and not worry about tomorrow. Let’s just keep creating today.

Time To Stop All The Talking

Caught a little anxiety over this weekend. Although celebrating my life and union with my wife, I felt the heat of financial reality burning. I’m too close to broke. I am back into the survival mode of get what I need to get things done. The feeling sucks! How am I back here again? Well, this time, I believe I have an answer.

Comfort. I got very comfortable with what I had and thought it was “enough” and my pursuit of “more” lessened. Truth be told although I don’t like this feeling, I should have it everyday. Whether I have $10 or $1,000 to spare. I have goals far beyond my current employment. I want to take my writing and brand to new heights this year. That won’t happen in the current comfort zone. I have to refocus. I have to be about all of this talk I’ve regurgitating for years. If I really want it, nothing can get in my way moving forward.

So now, it’s time for isolation. It’s time to earn more, stack more and put more towards the things I really want in my life. I’m done being comfortable. I needed the reality check of get my car serviced or get parking for work. I needed this feeling of knowing I can’t fill my gas tank up till pay day this week. It’s a reminder that it isn’t all good and it will only be good when I’m doing great and still striving for better.

So to put it plain. No more fun, till the goals are done.