If Not Now, When?

Been reading about different ways to make “extra money” or achieve “side hustle income” and it got instantly frustrating. What I am learning about myself is I’m checking off a lot of “side hustle boxes” and doing a good number of things that should be earning me more money…and it’s not. I literally am not reaping any benefits from all of the things I’m doing.

It’s crazy cause it feels like I’m making noise in the middle of the desert. Sure, you hear you and it’s obvious you are doing something, but who truly knows? Are you causing a shift? Are you making an impact? Are you seeing the kind of benefits you want from your actions?

Today, my answer to all 3 of those questions are, NO. The answer is no and I’m not so sure how to fix it. I would love for all of this to make sense. I would love to stop spinning my wheels, dedicating so much time and energy to things that are just not paying off. I want a breakthrough and right now I don’t care if the breakthrough leads me to stopping everything I’ve been working on or towards the last 10 or so years. I’m exhausted. I’m spent. I wish I had an answer to the question “When?”

I’m going to be 40 this decade. Somethings really got to give.

Frustration Revelations

It hurts my heart to see the people I once showed great admiration for become laughable, confused and directionless.

This world is filled with people who want to spout their opinions as facts and not be challenged. Minimally educated on the topics they speak so loudly and passionately about. God forbid you oppose their opinion, bruising the fragile ego that lies beneath.

When you come to grips with knowing your only obstacle is you, it either forces a greater focus or an admittance to not wanting to be a great as you think you are.

I want to be a lot of things. The biggest problem has been trying to be them all at one time. It’s time I slow down and methodically approach all of my life goals with no disruption.

It’s hard to tell when I’m forcing an issue or when God is moving in my life sometimes. I don’t want to fight for the wrong things or the wrong people. But what should I let happen?

It Hasn’t Been The Best Day

Nothing sends your mind in a complete whirlwind more than starting off your morning with losing your wallet.

I was going to Mariano’s to get my self some breakfast and lunch for work and realized I didn’t have my wallet on me. I’m an adult so my wallet is my life! I rushed back home, search the house, car, clothes even searched the dumpster before the garbage truck came. It wasn’t there. I checked them all several times. Still nothing. As I write you now I still don’t have it. It’s crazy cause I have absolutely everything I had on my person, including the receipt from the restaurant I went to yesterday but no wallet. I called the restaurant. They were nice, but not too helpful.

It was hard to sleep with that on my mind. And now that Chase doesn’t issue cards at Branch anymore I had to think of a plan and quick. Oh yeah, they also won’t help you without any kind of ID so I took yet another L in the process.

I wanted to at least try to sleep before work so that along with no money prevented me getting anything done at the DMV. I hope I can at least get that so I can move forward with getting everything else I need to function as an adult in society.

With all that, I get written up at work today. They say it was a productivity drop from me last week. It sucks cause I do my task how they say do them. I don’t take the shortcuts and I do things most won’t on the job and the result is being reprimanded. I just don’t get it. How can doing what management asks you to do be so wrong? If I’m being honest, it looks like the writing is on the wall again….Not even sure what to do now…

When you’re written up for BS reasons, you are under scrutiny and start being micromanaged. Then they can critique everything till you either adapt or vacate. With the day already a mess and my head not being in the right space, when they offered us the opportunity to punch out early, I didn’t hesitate.

This is one of those days I wish I was doing something I loved that also paid. I’m in desperate need of a real career and or a miracle. After her write up, I wanted to punch out, grab the Misses, pack up the car and just head towards a new life. No clue where that is, but I was down to do it. I wish I knew how to do what I want to do and execute that on a new level. I don’t know what steps to take to. What I do know is “just keep writing” doesn’t seem to be working towards my goal. I wish I understood what I was missing in both writing and radio.

Maybe I don’t pray hard enough or truly believe deep enough. I don’t know what it is, but I am in desperate need of a breakthrough. I have to do something to create a new stable and enjoyable opportunity.

My apologies if this reads terribly. I dosed off doing this one. I’ll edit when I’m more alert. Thanks for reading.