The wild part about writing down your vision, is that you may realize how far away you’ve put yourself from it.
I’m officially on day 31 of thinking about what to do with my life. I’m refreshed, I’m clear and my overall demeanor is focused. This is all in the wake of a lot of lost, misfortune and expectations not being met this year.
I’m thinking about my goals and the life I see for myself and honestly, I believe there is one more sacrifice to make. This one may be deemed so crazy that I don’t even want to share in detail here. What’s clear right now is there’s nothing standing in my way and no one has the opportunity to talk me out of what’s in my mind. That may be the scenario that I’ve truly been asking for all this time.
What’s very real is my podcasts, magazines and shirts are what I want to do with my life. Every investment I can make to those is a great benefit. The question that remains is, how much of a sacrifice am I willing to put towards all of it? How uncomfortable am I willing to be? How much am I willing to put on the line to show how much I believe? I think I’ve found a new level that I am willing to go for all the above. There are still things I want. There’s a new level of sacrifice to get them. Every sacrifice is not meant to be understood or explained; So I won’t. I’m just going to plan and pray. My gut is telling me to step out on faith and do something that I don’t think many people around me could or would do. And maybe that’s all the reason why I have to make it happen.
I believe it was two years ago. I typed a goal/affirmation down in my phone that simply said,
“I’m going to hug my daughter everyday”
I have not achieved that goal, yet. I think that not achieving this goal has lead to my indescribable incomplete feeling. With the passing of my grandma and how important she was to both of us, I really have to do all I can to achieve that goal.
Making a living was hard enough before the pandemic. For many it will become even harder. Relocating is a task within itself, but the distance we are apart would make daily travel very expensive and unrealistic. I have some real decisions to make, even if temporary. I know the great relationship I have with my daughter could be greater. It’s on me to push it to that level. This is a decision less about me and more about her and us. In this crazy time we are living in, I don’t want to be far from my child. I don’t want to have to finance a trip to see her. I don’t want her adolescent years with me to be sporadic and heavy technology based. As her father, it’s on me to fix that reality in every aspect anyway I can.
I will fulfill my Daddy goal of hugging my daughter everyday. It’s a must.
2020 has started off great in the reality check department for me. I’ve had a chance to reflect on missed opportunity and the why. Sometimes you can just not be ready. Other times it could simply be that the opportunity wasn’t meant to be. Then there are the times where you might have talked yourself out of a situation by wanting too much too soon or too much in general.
Under the guise of “Know your worth” it’s also important to “Know what you’re doing currently” and that isn’t talked about much. Currently we are in a society where everyone is saying “Go get what’s yours” and we live by the Jay lyric of “Overcharging for what they did to the Cold Crush”, but one key thing left out is; Have you earned the opportunity to do that? Today, I sit here and think maybe, just maybe I haven’t.
Sometimes we get wrapped up in “what we’ve done” and that puts an incorrect price tag on our worth. We may be speaking from a tone of “Give me back pay” when actually the real task is proving you are still worth what you got and some more. You can only prove that by seizing an opportunity and showing insurmountable worth during that time. Many of us feel that we should get everything up front so we can show and prove. That no matter the circumstance or industry is inaccurate. Real life, no one cares what we’ve done. They care about what we can do for them right now. Every day, week, month, quarter and year is a chance to prove that you are earning your spot, your dollar and the next opportunity. That should be embraced, especially if you truly believe in yourself and what you have to offer. Maybe it was the exhaustion of my mind and the subtle trauma and bitterness the hits me at times, but I lost sight of that. I realize now that I wanted someone else to pay for what I’ve already done. I was hoping that payment would prove that I am everything I said I was. As I reflect I know that’s wrong. I know that’s wrong because of watching Carmelo Anthony’s story.
Melo is a great example for all of us. He’s not the 100 million contract guy anymore, but he was definitely always able to play NBA level basketball. The league put him in a tight spot, citing him as the problem and seemingly forcing him out while his tank was at least 3/4’s full. It all boiled down to Melo simply wanting to play basketball. It wasn’t about being option 1 or having a franchise tag or huge contract. His bottom line was “I wanna hoop and I still can hoop” give me a chance to prove that.
Now with the Blazers, He took an opportunity to prove that he can still hoop vs wanting a price tag he felt he was worth. I applied Melo’s situation to mine. What’s real about my situation is that I truly do want to be apart of the entertainment industry. It’s also clear that I don’t want to be in the same sector I once was. I can finally close the door on that because I just don’t have it in my heart anymore. I really gave it all I had and end of the day, I don’t feel like that portion of the game loved me back. The great thing about the entertainment industry is that there are so many other “IN’s” and you can still do everything you dreamed just by simply walking through a different door. I’m at the doorway of that different door. I’ve knocked. I’m patiently waiting.
I’ll be back in the entertainment industry full time by summer. I can feel it. It’s time to get some new love at a new door. “I wanna hoop”.
It’s 2020 for real today. No, I’m not going to waste time with a cliche vision parallel.
What I will say is this. I made 10 very realistic goals. Those goals all align with my passions and purpose. It’s going to take great discipline and impeccable dedication. With that in place, I could really get everything I want before summer ends. So I got to get to work.
I’m looking at this goal list this morning and I truly understand that if I complete 1, 5 or all 10 task that it was something I did or didn’t do. My fate is firmly in my own hands and I got to do something with it. I like the feeling though. This lets me know that my mind is shifting and I’m breaking away from a conditioned uniform mentality and I am holding myself accountable for my lifestyle. Not a company or another person; Me. Every single month of this year should get me closer to my goals.
So let’s get to work! The better side of life, is on the other side of sacrifice.
Yesterday, I got some news that took my spirit down a few more notches than I expected. You never know how much you want something until you can’t get it. I made several real plans around a move and a moment and it’s officially not going to happen. I don’t understand why. All I want to do is be what I see in my mind. Sometimes things happen and they make you think your vision is all wrong.
Maybe that was going to hinder something else I really want. Maybe this isn’t the step that’s needed. Maybe winter isn’t the right time for all of this. Maybe I shouldn’t be in pursuit of this now.
I don’t have any answers, just disappointment. This was a forgone conclusion to me. Was I over confident? Was it just simply not my time? Only lord knows. The only thing I do know, is that giving up on myself or my goal would be stupid. And I don’t want to do anything stupid.