I’ve been going out of my way to make myself happy since my birthday week and it’s hands down lead to the greatest weekend on the year! That’s saying a lot during a pandemic on top of losing my greatest listener and my personal life being in complete shambles!
I deprived myself of happiness in many ways and I didn’t even notice how visible it was. I like the fact that people are telling me “you look happy” or “It’s great to see you smiling”. I was obviously very depressed with high anxiety to kick off this year and I was in need. The need was so high that I began to feel hurt and that hurt made me act out in a couple ways I shouldn’t have.
Even though, it’s probably not recommended, I began to isolate myself. I stayed with my thoughts until it became it clear. Can’t front, dabbling more with edibles and vapes helped a great deal too! Then, I started leaning on the people around me that wanted to be leaned on. I found new listeners! People that care and want to help with what I’m going through and not just throw at me what they need, want or expect too. Those talks helped me make some decisions. Those talks help me make some apologies. Those talks helped me find peace within myself and left a path for me to start making myself happy.
I learned this year that I am the only person that has me as a top priority and that’s okay. I’m not going to cry or act like a bitch because I’m not number 1 on somebody’s list; That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Truth be told I should be 2nd on my own list because I was taught to put God first. I learned all about the weight carried of people who demand to be first in your life but don’t want or even care to consistently give you what you need. The power struggle of conforming in an effort to get a subpar inconsistent version of your wants and needs is exhausting. Tasting the freedom from that is euphoric!
It’s still a lot of year left and I’m going to do some great things. I’ve let everything go and put it firmly in God’s hands. It’s the absolute best decision I made all year.
It’s been a rough few weeks if I’m being honest. I have a really big and tough decision to make and no matter what I’m going to lose something. What’s wild is, I didn’t think the loss would feel like this.
I’m mentally behaving out of character. I am not who I need to be right now. I am in somewhat of a daze and I need to get my peace of mind in order. I’ve been praying, meditating and somedays I feel good. Others, not so much. I guess that’s how reality is. Any moment of any day you can go from a an extreme high to an instant low. You may feel so down that you can’t get back up. What’s definite is that it’s all for a reason. A better purpose that you can’t see. A greater good that is not recognizable at the moment.
In my heart, I know I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes you got to do the right thing even if it means doing it all on your own. Maybe I wasn’t as unhappy as I thought I was. Maybe I just adjusted to a routine. Maybe my decision with action will be the defining moment of clarity.
I pray that it is.
I’m in a very anxious mood. I want to make a move, but I’m not exactly secure about the future. It’s hard to break away of the employee mindset and worker mentality. Somedays I’m not so confident that I can go out there and make my own money and that being enough to live comfortably.
Second guessing and living with a hint of anxiety will play major tricks on you. It’s hard to tell if you’re coming or going and what your destination is at times.
What I need is a mental break, from everything. I’ve been having to do a lot of thinking about a lot of different aspects of life and it’s honestly draining me in ways I didn’t expect. Now I feel bombarded all at once. Happiness starts from within and that is the largest step to success.
So man! It’s been a minute right? I’ve been trying to stay off of my public safe space because I’ve been in several moods and emotions and to be real; It’s not quite ready for even my public safe space yet.
I’m still thinking about my grandma. I have new thoughts about my personal life. I have a new mindset on self care. It’s a lot going on in my mind to say the absolute least. I’m going to try and pump out a little art to y’all though. Maybe a few writings will help me get back into a better mental space.
Hope everybody is taking the quarantine seriously. At the same time I hope blacks and latinos aren’t co-signing every word that is being said about us and the coronavirus on the news. Always keep in your mind we as a delegation went from “Black folks can’t catch the coronavirus” to the news now telling us 50% of all coronavirus deaths are black people. That’s not some coincidental news to me. AmeriKKKa has been capitalizing off of Black Fear for a long time. Don’t think they wouldn’t do it during a pandemic.
Whether you are staying busy or just staying safe, good for you. Don’t get wrapped up in people telling you what you got to do or work on right now. You supposed to do you. That’s the only thing that matters right now. As long as you are doing that, all will remain well.
Well, Let me attempt to tell my life colorfully so I can relax and finally get into Snowfall.
Be Safe, wear mask and wash your entire body thoroughly…and your clothes. Love!
Today, I took my own advice. I got the fear out of my chest. I stopped my poor misguided actions that were wrapped in “people pleasing” and told my truth. It could change things forever, but it had to be done. Things may get worse before they get better, but me not being me doesn’t help anybody.
I can’t hold back. Someone else’s one life is just as important as your one life. You got to be accountable and responsible for your happiness. Sometimes that means making sure that others are happy around you.
Woke up with thoughts of people I don’t talk to anymore. It’s interesting considering how the beginning of this week dominated with thoughts about pursuing happiness for the rest of my life. I won’t be reaching out, but I do wonder why the thoughts of those people appeared.
It’s wild how the mind works. How it makes you tap into old times and estranged acquaintances. Even crazier when you think about how you may have called those acquaintances “friend” or “family”. Was it ever truly that? Was that just the “positive slang” that was used to greet and identify? Who truly knows? What’s very real is the memories and the lessons learned. Life is a wild ride if you’re living it right.
Other than that, I feel career happiness getting extremely close. I wish I could properly explain what’s going through my mind. What I can tell you is, if you’re happy the progress is instant. Your worries lessen and for me anxiety to “make it happen” have switched to “a matter of time” from an “I don’t know” or “what if?”
I feel good. Not cause it’s Friday, but cause I’m finally in control of my happiness. It’s less people around and it’s over for me entertaining opportunities that don’t lift my spirits and I wouldn’t have it any other way.