Today a piece of my mind drifted into a dark place. Dark to the point I can’t get it out of there and it’s alarming. It’s becoming glaring to me that I truly am still not over some past things that were done to me. I also have nowhere near forgiven or forgotten about a certain person and the things they’ve said and done to me.
I try to not to hate. I even spoke and written out how I’ve decided to stop hating a person. Part of me is telling myself that it’s a lie. I don’t know how to deal with this. I really need help.
When you can’t stand the sight of someones face. When you loathe interaction on any level. When you literally will find complete peace and solace in the day you never have to speak to a person again, it’s real. I don’t know how to get over this but I’ll tell you a piece of my plan.
I’m going to stay focus on me. Improving and keeping myself and my environment in control. I will master my emotions and my actions. I will just as sure let a person die breathing before I give them life by entertaining any obstacle they put before me. I need to pray. I need to meditate, but most importantly I need to level up! I need to be above the people and the circumstance that feel they can pull me down. I need to rise above any and every counterfeit being that wants a place in my path.
I’m also going to embrace the fact that there is still some great hate in my heart. I can’t ignore it. So if I acknowledge it, I can deal correctly and truly heal. It may take a long time, but it’s what’s best for me.
Image by LoggaWiggler from Pixabay
You want to know a hard lesson I had to learn? Everybody isn’t worth your wrath. There was a time where I would let absolutely nothing slide. Not one word from anybody on God’s green and blue earth. I had a response. A better response and I was always ready to take it further than you, stand on those words and mean it till my dying day.
As I grew older, what I realized is that some people will always talk. Some will always see your ugly. Some want to compete and beat you so bad that they will do whatever it takes to be in your conversation by keeping you in theirs. Understanding this is why I began to look at the character of the people that talk about me. How they move in life. How they act in different environments. What they are willing to do to maintain status, image and perception. In real life we will run into many people in life that solely “Hate us cause they ain’t us” and it will never change. Haters make the world go round, but understand that’s only cause they will highlight you tragedy even in the midst of your triumph.
If you’ve ever wrestled with this like me, I implore you to analyze the character of the people that speak ill of you. Process it thoroughly, then enjoy the rest of the day God gave you to excel in. That’s what’s really worth all your time and energy.
As I see the world react to life, death and politics, this is what I am reminded of. Although I feel it’s important to “Do Good” to yourself and those around you, I’m constantly reminded that some will never forget who you were or just won’t like you because you are you. It’s a major reason why self love and surrounding yourself with love is so important.
I’m watching so much tearing down of black people amongst black people and I really feel a way about.
On one hand I’m irritated by it because we speak so ill of each other without clear understanding or conversation. Then oddly to me, I’m hurt by it. Hurt because we would publicly shame, bash and resort to name calling just because we disagree.
I know the buzz word is “nigger/nigga” but we got to stop with the calling each other “coon” “Uncle Tom” and referring to people being in the “sunken place” too. Especially if it’s because people agree or disagree with people they don’t even know about people neither party has never met or know personally.
Have your opinions. Like or dislike whoever you want for whatever reasons, but until you are the gold standard for what it is to be black in America please, STFU.
I just let a person know that I am done hating them today. A person who I loathed for so long. A person who’s death was wanted and at one time I felt would grant me great solace. I know, I couldn’t believe I did it either. I tell you what though. It felt really good to do it. I felt some release of pressure and a regaining of power while crafting this letter and a great deal of closure when delivering it.
It’s wrong to hate and I knew that. I’ve always known that. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in the wrong that has been done to you and wanting retribution for those wrongs that you lose yourself and who you are supposed to be in the midst of the madness. I was definitely lost. My anger, fire and hatred would eat me alive and completely exhaust me.
I want to say it’s almost a year to the date when I had the conversation with my mom about this person. I told my mom, “I’m over all of this. The hating, arguing and fighting. I just can’t do it anymore. I’m going to focus on me and what matters most to me.” My mom was glad to hear me say that. Although I said it that day, I didn’t make the person aware of that. I will say when I made up in my mind that I would cease my hatred things changed. The change was within me. I became more relax, carefree and focused on my true task. The sight of this person and the sound of their voice wouldn’t ignite fury as it once did before. As I let go of more rage, hate, fury, anger and wrath, I began to see better. I also began to care less about that persons actions towards me. That gave me a sense of power. Power I don’t think I’ve felt with this person ever. That’s how I know it was the right thing to do.
This person and I won’t be friends. I’m working on 100% forgiveness, but will never ever forget the things this person made me feel. Those feelings consumed me and almost ruined my life. It’s why I’m in a state of mental repair. We’ll probably never have a relationship of trust, but God willing there will be some respect moving forward. No matter the future, I am at peace today. I have began to heal, by letting go and focusing on the things in life that really matter to me. I am empowered by slaying my internal hate and it’s beautiful.
I should have left you in that living room with the bogus question you asked
The feelings of the “good boy” with thoughts so bad
The feeling that I was ready to give my all and you cheated me
Gave you my hand
Then you turned round and spit on me
Discovering love was road blocked
By your deceptive smile
Your manipulative life seduced my naive style
I loathe our meeting and almost everything from it
The seeds were planted in dirt and acid covered
Not the soil dirt that brings life and nutrition
But the dust that settles when commotion is ending
I might have lost a great friend cause you
May have missed on a couple great girls cause you
The Blue flame flickers in my eyes cause you
Had no remorse in your acts now the curtain is due
I have less strength and tolerance
Succumbing to your nonsense
How bad of a man am I?
You left on my conscious
But in the end it was I who wronged
Thinking slowly sipping the poison I would live as long
Thinking hold to the thorns till the pain moved on
Thinking seeing the right wouldn’t be that wrong
Now we’re at so long
And it’s been so long
Since I been able to see your face
And no rage performs
My mind lusts for your agony
Your righteousness is fallacy
A needle to your flesh for every hour of lost sanity
Your sound and look unveil my maniacal ego
Authorities set a foundation so we’ll never be equal
But I see through
I want my passion and patience to defeat you
I no longer want to see you
Your demise would cause me great soothe
I pray a God exist to cool
The fiery Hell in my heart for you