I was just watching “The Therapist”. It’s a Viceland program and the conversations are groundbreaking. As I sit here and listen to the program, it made me think of myself and some of my thoughts and feelings.
I thought of myself and how maybe I dream so big and so much because some people laughed, didn’t believe or couldn’t see my visions. How some people I call friends have downplayed my ideas and successes or given backhanded congrats or acknowledgements and how that truly affected me. It may also be why I only like abstract and broad thinkers around me and how I will always find a way something could potentially work and is justifiable.
I’m sitting here taking inventory with my relationship with my mom. Understanding why we clash so much. Understanding that maybe the one thing that neither one of us wanted was for me to be like her or my dad. However, the deeper situation is how receptive was she as I was growing and maturing to being exactly what she wanted and in some ways how she stunted that early evolution.
Thinking of my problems with women and how the only woman in my life I’ll ever show weakness to is my grandma. Coincidentally, I feel my grandma is the only woman that has ever listened to me and understood me. However, she’s also the only woman who has never used my words or weaknesses against me. Nothing is tougher to deal with to a man with morals, ethics and principles than a woman who is willing to frivolously play with your words and weaknesses. I don’t know if there will ever be a woman I can talk to like I talk to my grandma.
The one woman who will have my heart forever is my daughter. My lifesaver, my star. I look in her face and see something so much greater than me. My biggest fears are not nurturing her uncanny potential and letting her down to the point that she hates me.
I also sit here and I have this feeling and thought that not so deep down, I am a lover. A natural lover of all people and things. However, I’ve experienced too many situations where that love has been disregarded and it has scarred me in a few ways. I also feel that many have gone out of their way to show me they don’t love me back. It’s probably why I love being alone and practice keeping to myself. Why maybe I am the shyest social butterfly you will ever meet. Why quite a few relationships are strained. Why I don’t apologize often and regret a handful of times that I have apologized. I like to give, help and love. It’s really who I would want to be at my core everyday to everyone. The problem is the people that I have given, helped and loved have taken, broken and abandoned me. I want to ask some people, “Where were you when I needed you most?” to finally get answers.
I’ve been saying for quite a while that I do need therapy. I really need to get the right resources together to take a few steps forward in doing that.
It’s been a strenuous few days. I’ve been trying to get as many hours as I can at work between two venues and it’s been draining. It’s also costing me more money than it’s making on the weeks I don’t get paid. I try not to focus on that, because I know that energy causes anxiety. I’m also in process of locking down another great opportunity which I hope to share later.
I haven’t been in the gym working out, but the workout I’ve been getting doing this venue tear down has been crazy! All the lifting, pushing, pulling and stacking had me feeling as sore as my first couple weeks back lifting weights.
I finally got time for a family day. Something that I hardly ever get a chance to do. It was great! So great that I want to document the story in a better way than casually in this blog post.
There hasn’t been new content on here and I apologize for that. I needed physical and mental rest. My body was telling me “Alright Cam. Time to pack it in for a min.” So I’m taking time for myself, so I can rest and get my wheels back turning so I can give you all my best with this pen or these keys. I don’t want to just put out anything. I want to show nothing but quality cause I take my writing seriously. I have many ideas and concepts. It’s all about making them sound cool enough to visualize with your mind. Talk soon.
What Up, Big Camp!? A phrase and question that is synonymous with my presence when I touch down in my hometown, Freeport, Illinois. I got the name from a man I used to call my favorite uncle. I was told from the day I was born he gave me the nickname “Big Camp” and the family just rocked with it. “Let’s call him Big Camp!” was what he told my mom as I was fresh out the womb. Before I left the hospital I was branded with a nickname that is used to this day. How he came up with it I really don’t know, but it does combine my name first and last name in some way.
My whole McGee family knows me as Camp. Mom, Grandma, Aunties, cousins, everybody calls me “Camp”. It’s just the way it is. In Freeport, you either call me “Camp” or “Cameron”. None of my stage names in music or media have ever stuck back home, lol! I laugh cause I literally have had the hardest time branding myself under one name to be recognized by. I’m called “Killa Cam” more than I’ve been called CamQuotes, Shoohstopugh, The Captain or even Cam at home. It’s hilarious because apparently the branding I always needed, I was born with and just never used it outside of my hometown. I answer to the name “Camp”, so it’s not that I don’t like it. I just never went out of my way to use it or introduce myself as “Camp” to anyone. I remember coming home from College and my mom and I had a conversation on what I go by as far as name is concerned.
She said, “Well you’re a grown man now. I guess it’s no more “Camp”
I said, “I never really thought about it. My friends at school call me Cam”
She said, “So we dropping the P and it’s just Cam now?”
I said, “Whatever works. It doesn’t really matter to me.”
I’ve been thinking all day about going as “Big Camp” as I return to the wild world of radio. I think it’s only right I do. It’s my piece of Freeport that will always be with me. It’s a family name. It’s part of the story of growing up as me. Big Camp is uncommon, standing out and something anyone can say and sound cool. I’m also on a short list of people who would have “Big” in their name and actually be what many consider “Big”, ha! I’m sure I’ll figure it out by the time I get back on Social media. Let’s officially get back into Media first.
The adult becomes so complacent, uninteresting and uninspiring. Why doesn’t the adult dream? Why does the adult want to be so realistic and pessimistic. A dreamless adult is an enemy of progress.
Without dreams there are no goals. Therefore you strive for nothing. You go through the motions. You believe the only good in your life is waking up the next day although you don’t enjoy what the next day has in store for you. You don’t speak life or speak with life. You don’t attract young people, like minds or have interesting conversations. You are a wall. Walls are set up, painted and knocked down. There’s no beauty in that. There is no glamour in that life. If you live life as a wall, you are born, wear some nice clothes and die. Who would want that to be their story?
I loathe the adult that stops a person that wants to become an entrepreneur. That doesn’t feel they could do it so they say you can’t do it either. I have distain for a person who speaks in 99 problems verses 3 wishes. It’s hard to converse, connect and want to carry on conversation with these types of people. No one truly wants to be amongst a person who feels they can’t do anything. That person will also plant the seeds and weeds of can’t in your minds garden. Nothing fruitful bears in a garden of weeds.
I don’t know how to talk to complainers. I don’t want to talk to complainers. What is inside of a person that makes them want to complain everyday? My mind doesn’t comprehend or digest that well. I would love to remove complaining, pessimistic, dreamless people from my life forever; But how can you when they are family and friends? Are they truly family and friends by the understood definition?
There are people who want to be alone and those that want to be around like minded people. I’m starting to understand that I like being alone, because I’m hardly ever around like minded people. It’s a dilemma that I want to rectify, but honestly not sure how. Let me rephrase that. I know how. I just don’t want to deal with the backlash and explanation. Every person can change. Not many will. The adult some people have become is not the person you need or want them to be. It’s on you to decide how long they stay in the story of your life.
I sit in silence to connect with my subconscious
It speaks loudly
So we communicate well and often
As I dump the day and all it’s information
I find myself searching for new answers
My thoughts tell my heart things
But are those things real?
Are they truly my wants and desires?
Are they passions and burning fires?
Alone I sit
Processing, understanding, releasing
The sounds are clear and unmistakable
No one can hear them but me
That’s cause many aren’t fit to understand
Do what feels good
Say what feels right
Act on that emotion
Evolve and take flight
Be who you want
Force no one
Walk alone if you must
Just listen; Listen…
Although a great portion of 2017 has been turbulent, there has been some very bright moments. One of them has been my new found love for the city of Chicago. Since returning in August of 2016, I have spent more time than ever in the city of Chicago. West Loop, South Loop and the heart of Downtown have seen a lot of me the past year and some change and it’s honestly been lovely!
Doing freelance writing and hip-hop media got me a chance to meet Jadakiss and Sheek Louch of the L.O.X as well as interview new R&B sensation Kevin Ross and soul singer Kevin Garrett . Those opportunities came through connecting and reconnecting with some of my friends and family that work for labels and run studios in the city. Working for Live Nation gave me the opportunity to see some of the greatest artist and bands ever perform in different parts of the city. Needless to say, my entertainment fix was great this year and still going on as I type.
Chicago has a different vibe when you actually participate in it. The West Loop is nothing like Westchester. The South Loop is nothing like South Holland. Wicker Park isn’t Woodridge and you should be slapped thinking Downtown Naperville and Downtown Chicago come close to comparison. Seeing 12th street beach, the way the House of Blues sign glows at night. The skyline on a cloudy day or even a gorgeous night with the right light breeze all gives you a feel that only being in the city can give you. Driving up and down LSD [Lake Shore Drive] Walking past Solider Field and the Shed Aquarium or strolling the Riverwalk; all incredible feels.
Sometimes I would walk to my car from work, headphones and backpack on and just want to walk another mile or so just to feel the city on a different level. It felt like a small escape. The people in the city are friendlier than many know or say. There is plenty going on even though the majority of the city shuts down by 11pm and the lights illuminate the clean streets and sidewalks like I never noticed before. It’s also a great chance to meet the people visiting Chicago and relate to their joy as a tourist as well as learn about where they’re from. I’ve had a great conversation with a couple from Toronto, Canada. They were in town for the Blue Jays vs Cubs game, but also were partaking in what the city has to offer. Not only were they impressed, they couldn’t understand why so many bad things were said about the city on the news. Chicago is so many different worlds within itself that one person can’t give you the total experience of what it’s like to be in and from Chicago. They also sold me on making a trip to Toronto as soon as possible.
I would love to live for 2 years in the actual city of Chicago, just off of the summer I had. Sure the taxes and the parking can be outrageous, but what downtown city is that not an issue? Besides, I have enough parking apps to say that on any given night, event or not, I’ve parked a minimum of 5 hours for as low as $7 and no higher than $15 for the majority of my time this year. I think a nice loft, downtown near the Riverwalk would be incredible for my spirit and creativity. In some respects, I lived the summer I wanted from 21-25 at 36. Even though I have been adamant for years about loving residential living, I can’t deny how much the hustle, bustle and survival of the city have spoke to me this year. A summer of Chicago will definitely make you fall in love and see it like you’ve never have before. Well played, Chicago; Well played.