Visiting Grandma

I haven’t had the best visits to Freeport since my Grandma’s been sick and gone, but I know I have to get better at visiting her every time I arrive and leave here.

Today I apologized to her. I know I’ve messed up and I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do. I then promised her that I would do better. Emotionally, financially, family and relationship wise; all of it! I’m going to improve starting today.

I know she’s with me everyday but I wanted to get as close to her physical form as possible today. It’s hard to speak to her without crying. It’s hard to lose the only person you feel loves you and cares. I never thought life would be this way, but I won’t give up because it is.

Today is a day of rededication. A rededication to my gift, my purpose and my growth.

Thanks for the talk, Grandma. I love you.

Love Thoughts

The glaring thought of this morning is Love.

We want to have love. We want to feel love. We want to be accepted and treated with love. We want our love to be understood and reciprocated.

It’s hard to deal and process when the love isn’t returned. Then add your expectations. People expect to be loved without communicating how to love them. Some people have a brand of love that gets communicated and then it gets ignored. You will find in life that people don’t want to love you as you want to be loved.

The layers of love: The love of a passion or craft. The love for a child. The love to and from a significant other. Love to and from a parent. It’s all different, but still under the operative word, love. Different mindsets, urges and emotions, but they circle the blocks of the same city.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a woman’s love. Never has that love been unconditional. No matter what, we are all looking for unconditional love.

Unconditional love is the love of you now and later. It’s loving the consistency and the changes. The plain and the pivots. There is no judgement or second guess. It’s the loving through anything that Will Smith talked about. That love is what we all want, but few are willing to give.

Never be turned off by love.

A Vulnerable Moment

It’s been a rough few weeks if I’m being honest. I have a really big and tough decision to make and no matter what I’m going to lose something. What’s wild is, I didn’t think the loss would feel like this.

I’m mentally behaving out of character. I am not who I need to be right now. I am in somewhat of a daze and I need to get my peace of mind in order. I’ve been praying, meditating and somedays I feel good. Others, not so much. I guess that’s how reality is. Any moment of any day you can go from a an extreme high to an instant low. You may feel so down that you can’t get back up. What’s definite is that it’s all for a reason. A better purpose that you can’t see. A greater good that is not recognizable at the moment.

In my heart, I know I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes you got to do the right thing even if it means doing it all on your own. Maybe I wasn’t as unhappy as I thought I was. Maybe I just adjusted to a routine. Maybe my decision with action will be the defining moment of clarity.

I pray that it is.

Sorry Y’all: Thoughts From My Recliner

So man! It’s been a minute right? I’ve been trying to stay off of my public safe space because I’ve been in several moods and emotions and to be real; It’s not quite ready for even my public safe space yet.

I’m still thinking about my grandma. I have new thoughts about my personal life. I have a new mindset on self care. It’s a lot going on in my mind to say the absolute least. I’m going to try and pump out a little art to y’all though. Maybe a few writings will help me get back into a better mental space.

Hope everybody is taking the quarantine seriously. At the same time I hope blacks and latinos aren’t co-signing every word that is being said about us and the coronavirus on the news. Always keep in your mind we as a delegation went from “Black folks can’t catch the coronavirus” to the news now telling us 50% of all coronavirus deaths are black people. That’s not some coincidental news to me. AmeriKKKa has been capitalizing off of Black Fear for a long time. Don’t think they wouldn’t do it during a pandemic.

Whether you are staying busy or just staying safe, good for you. Don’t get wrapped up in people telling you what you got to do or work on right now. You supposed to do you. That’s the only thing that matters right now. As long as you are doing that, all will remain well.

Well, Let me attempt to tell my life colorfully so I can relax and finally get into Snowfall.

Be Safe, wear mask and wash your entire body thoroughly…and your clothes. Love!

Thank You, Grandma.

My grandma was the realist friend I ever had on earth…I learned so much from her. She’s forever with me and I know it’s on me to step in ever aspect of life.

Since her service, the only song on my mind has been “Praise Him” (Jesus Blessed Savior) and her performing it every Sunday. Although I was extremely shy to get up and sing in church in front of everyone, I loved when she sang this when she lead devotion. She believed every word of this and she would make you feel every word. I can still hear her ad-libs in my head. Today is the first day I was able to listen to it without crying. That’s a good start. I doubt I’ll ever be over this emotionally but I hope to be stronger and better through it all

I don’t know how I’m going to do what I have to do now, but I’m going to do it. I don’t know why the new moves and ideas are on my mind, but it feels good to have them in my spirit. My guess is God is still moving for me and my Grandma is pointing down saying, “That’s my Grandson. Help him out with some direction if you could.” I want to keep doing the things that make you proud of me. Even at your visitation, I can feel you still looking out for me. If angels are real, I have the greatest one.

Thank you, Grandma. I’ll love you forever and hope to talk to you soon.

“But, I Didn’t Win Though”

I want to share a proud Dad moment because there’s so many layers of elation to this.

Today, my daughter competed in a “Bible Search Competition”. It was a contest in which she competed against her entire school, which includes young people all the way up to high school. She competed and took 3rd place in the school’s competition!

I let her know how proud I was of her. I told her she did a phenomenal job and how her GG would love to hear this news right now. My daughter paused for a moment and in surprising fashion said, “But I didn’t win though…”

That made me extremely happy! Why? Because she wasn’t content with participating. It wasn’t good enough to just compete and be there. She wanted to be one of the kids that went to the national competition. That achievement went to 1st and 2nd place. She got 3rd and she was not satisfied. I love that because even with my praise of her achievement, she decided that it wasn’t enough for her. I never want her to lose that.

I gave her all the respect. I told her that I love and appreciate her winners spirit, but to not be down. Because now she knows what it takes to get to the number 1 spot next time. She said ok and just sat for a second. I marvel at the way her 9 year old mind turns. I love how she is moving towards a winners mentality. She’s not a sore loser, but she sees no reason to celebrate if she’s not number 1 and I am more than happy with that. I’ll continue to celebrate her even when she doesn’t see the need to celebrate herself. I’m going to cheer her on whether pass or fail. She’s been winning to me since I held her in the hospital. Listening and watching her wanting to win for her; indescribable.

I am so amazed and in love with my Punkin…