Front Seat

One day, you wake up and your child is in the front seat of the car headed to school and not the carseat in the back. It’s a bittersweet moment. Sweet because your baby girl is really your big girl now. She’s smiling and happy to finally be out of that carseat she hasn’t wanted to sit in for years. She’s reached her goal and is basking in her accomplishment. It’s bitter because a lot of time has flown by and although you’ve seen and done all you could, it’s no way to get the time back. You’re going to miss the days of looking in the rearview to check on her and ask her questions. That small, cute little voice in the back asking for Wendy’s, Popeye’s or Chick-fil-a. She won’t need you as much to get in and out of the car anymore. She’ll be doing it herself. You’re proud of her for simply growing, but you know you must find a new way for her to depend on you.

I look at my life in layers. One of the greatest things I’ve done with my life is help create life. A person that I know will be better than I ever could be. It’s rewarding, but I got to make sure I keep aiming high. I got to keep striving for great and extraordinary things. Because I know my daughter is capable of all that and more. It’s only a matter of time before she starts messing with my radio.

What Do You Do…

What do you do when there’s no love?
When you can’t feel that belonging or connection?
When everything you feel is hopeless
And everything you try is irrelevant

What do you do?
When patience doesn’t seem to be enough?
When the time either stands still or is tough?
When your dream isn’t as smooth
Because life has been real rough

What do you do when there’s no love?
Do you cry?
Do you hate?
Can you just move forward?

What do you do?

Thoughts Before Therapy

I was just watching “The Therapist”. It’s a Viceland program and the conversations are groundbreaking. As I sit here and listen to the program, it made me think of myself and some of my thoughts and feelings.

I thought of myself and how maybe I dream so big and so much because some people laughed, didn’t believe or couldn’t see my visions. How some people I call friends have downplayed my ideas and successes or given backhanded congrats or acknowledgements and how that truly affected me. It may also be why I only like abstract and broad thinkers around me and how I will always find a way something could potentially work and is justifiable.

I’m sitting here taking inventory with my relationship with my mom. Understanding why we clash so much. Understanding that maybe the one thing that neither one of us wanted was for me to be like her or my dad. However, the deeper situation is how receptive was she as I was growing and maturing to being exactly what she wanted and in some ways how she stunted that early evolution.

Thinking of my problems with women and how the only woman in my life I’ll ever show weakness to is my grandma. Coincidentally, I feel my grandma is the only woman that has ever listened to me and understood me. However, she’s also the only woman who has never used my words or weaknesses against me. Nothing is tougher to deal with to a man with morals, ethics and principles than a woman who is willing to frivolously play with your words and weaknesses. I don’t know if there will ever be a woman I can talk to like I talk to my grandma.

The one woman who will have my heart forever is my daughter. My lifesaver, my star. I look in her face and see something so much greater than me. My biggest fears are not nurturing her uncanny potential and letting her down to the point that she hates me.

I also sit here and I have this feeling and thought that not so deep down, I am a lover. A natural lover of all people and things. However, I’ve experienced too many situations where that love has been disregarded and it has scarred me in a few ways. I also feel that many have gone out of their way to show me they don’t love me back. It’s probably why I love being alone and practice keeping to myself. Why maybe I am the shyest social butterfly you will ever meet. Why quite a few relationships are strained. Why I don’t apologize often and regret a handful of times that I have apologized. I like to give, help and love. It’s really who I would want to be at my core everyday to everyone. The problem is the people that I have given, helped and loved have taken, broken and abandoned me. I want to ask some people, “Where were you when I needed you most?” to finally get answers.

I’ve been saying for quite a while that I do need therapy. I really need to get the right resources together to take a few steps forward in doing that.

My Star…

My bright beautiful star
How amazing you are
Shining bright near and far
The beaming light of my heart

You are you and that’s perfect
Every struggle in life is worth it
When lost and alone
You gave purpose
Forever my love
For you will flourish

You are brilliant and unique
No one can compare
You are wonderful with flair
A great breath of fresh air

Your smile lifts my spirits
Your ideas make me proud
I love being your Daddy
You’re the greatest girl around

My bright beautiful star
How amazing you are
Shining bright near and far
The beaming light of my heart