Nas was Right

It’s truly wild to have so many FB memories with people I don’t speak to anymore…

So many full blown conversations, laughs and memories shared. All seemingly meaning nothing now. It’s honestly sad. You go through life thinking that some people will always be around. That the moments that brought you together create an inseparable bond, but you’re wrong. I understand nothing is forever, but it’s just a reminder how death isn’t the only thing that separates us. One day, we will live, laugh, love and function in our same space and place and there will be new characters in the story of our lives. The old characters will have spin offs. You may make a cameo appearance, be a flashback or not even have a seat at the production meeting. For better or worse you may truly never know. It’s going to happen though. Just prepare yourself for the day.

Nas was right…”Love Changes and Best Friends become strangers”

Remembering when I wanted this

A web search excited my spirit and brought me back to 10 years ago. 10 years ago I was in my dream car and it truly felt like a dream. I hated when I had to trade it in for something more reliable. Looking back I was just in over my head and couldn’t afford to repair what needed to be fix, pay the note and relocate at the same time. So I traded it in and got a safe and reliable vehicle that looking back gave me a lot of security and less heartache. It was a great car. It just wasn’t this car.

During my search, I found my car again! 6 years newer but exactly the one I had bought. Probably 12,000 more miles than when I bought mine, but also about half the price of the one I originally bought now 12 years ago. I want it! No, scratch that. I’m going to get it! It didn’t happen for no reason. All my energy is in to making this happen and doing it smarter than the last time. I’m excited to make another aspiration in to a goal.

The memories I have are still tangible. The clothes I bought, the music I listened to, the art that I created. All were influenced by this vehicle. I was truly happy. I was truly in love with this vehicle. It was more than a means of transportation. It was truly an extension of my life and times.

This one is for the old me that didn’t understand who he had to be to get what he wanted and the sacrifice in him to keep it. It’s a new day and a new me, but I want that old thing back. I want it for me. To accomplish something special for my self esteem, patience and growth. I can’t wait to share the news of me being the proud owner again! This time, I won’t let go without a great fight.

Throwing My Life Away

Today was the epitome of bittersweet. Only problem is I’m not sure what to define as sweet. I spent the bulk of my day throwing away a lot of time moments and memories into a dumpster. It was like saying “Cam. You’re life was trash. Let’s do away with it forever.” Maybe that’s an extreme stance to take, but it’s literally how I felt. I may be a hoarder or a “pack rat” but to a degree, I think it’s cause of how I grew up. I definitely had enough, but I was also raised to take care and hold on to things. You do that because it’s not money to “just go get another one” if you lose or break the one you already have. I was in a “this gotta last you” household. I have clothes and shoes that are decades old. They would be used to “get dirty” or cut the grass in.

Looking through the boxes, I had basketball and wrestling cards in mint condition. I had VHS tapes in their original cases. I had CD singles in their original paper case. Some still had the plastic on them. I found my copy of NBA Live 95 with the instructions in the original case. I just couldn’t throw some of those things away. It really meant something to me to have these things. Some of the things I had now 22 years later.

I found old pictures, letters, yearbooks. I literally was going through my entire life and deciding what to discard forever. It made me sad and angry. Can’t explain it, but it did. I couldn’t afford the storage, so I got everything out to avoid a fee. A lot of things I sent to Goodwill. I’ve made at least 4 trips there in the last month or two. I’ll be making another one soon as I slowly but surely part with more of my possessions.

I know they are just “things”, but it’s the memories for me. You ever see an object, or a piece of clothing or a picture and remember exactly where you were, what was said and how it all ended up being. Well that’s how I felt every two minutes today. From first girlfriend to first mixtape. From recent tragedy to my pride and joy, Layla. I experienced it all just looking through things.

I got plans for a lot of the stuff I now have crammed in this car. I want to make a scrapbook out of all of Layla’s artwork and cards she made for me. I want a blanket or two made out of all the radio station t shirts and shirts from when I was performing and doing shows. I want a Sega Genesis so I can play the games I found. I’m sure the Nintendo games didn’t work so I just let them go

I guess the silver lining is, it’s time for new things and new memories. Can’t live in the pass, but I must admit I do love to visit. Not sure why else I would hang on to so many things, but if anyone could give me a psychoanalysis, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Removing the old to make way for the new. The physical may be gone, but the memory never fades. Oh well. It’s just stuff right?