A Day of Uncertain Reflection

Since doing my taxes the other day, I felt like I may have made some key mistakes. Not on my taxes, but in life. I’m thinking about certain opportunities and things I said I wanted and didn’t get and I now wonder if I truly made a mistake.

Maybe I should have taken less because it probably will actually equate to more in current comparison. Maybe I truly haven’t earned all that I am asking for and expecting. Maybe it’s time for me to fall back and be even more patient for “my day” because today is obviously not “that day”.

It’s difficult to process, because when you believe in yourself and you want the best for yourself, you’re met with so much opposition. I feel like there has been too many times where people have tried to minimize me or sideshow me or just go out of their way to try and take me down a few notches and make me feel inferior. It sucks because it’s always someone with just a tad more power than I posses. Power is a crazy thing. It can make any man or woman feel they are worth their weight in gold. It can also make them feel as they are judge, jury and executioner of another persons worth and fate. I want to do for self, but that’s difficult to do with minimal resources. Resources have been my biggest opponent for far too long.

I’ve sat most of this day asking myself, what should I do? I’ve prayed and will pray again. Also going to take some time to meditate. I’m in need to feel true comfort and some relief. I can’t let whats outside destroy what’s inside.

The Last 10 Years

As I look at many people sharing their 2009-2019 stories, I’m somewhat disappointed in myself. 10 years ago, I was working retail and in pursuit of a career in the wild world of radio. I got that career, but it didn’t come without a lot of resistance, drama, trials and tribulations. I unfortunately encountered some of the worst people I’ve ever met in that chapter of my life. Sure, their were good times and even great experiences. Some things I can honestly say, don’t happen to me or for me without that 6-7 year run. That’s both positive and negative.

By Late 2016, I was hurt, pissed off and jaded. Wondering what I was going to do next. Nothing really made sense and I had a very bad taste in my mouth about radio and a good number of the people in it. Present day I am somewhat back at 0. I have a total of 3 podcast, this blog site, BehindTheRhyme.com and a book out. In spite of it all, I made the most of my time. I’m nowhere near the success I want to see, but I know it’s not the end of the road for me. I’m creating my way and on my terms. It feels good, but I can’t shake where I’ve been and what I’ve been through.

I unfortunately have a lot of negative memories about the last 10 years. It’s messed up because even the great moments, personal and professional are clouded by bad. Bad people, bad energy, bad reactions to those people and their energy. I grew in ways I didn’t expect and became some things I never wanted to be. There were periods of time where I hated myself and many people around me. I became needy of pleasure because I felt overwhelming pain. Pain cause by many of the people that said they loved me or helped raise me.

I’m still dealing with a lot of emotional scars and trauma from the last 10 years. It makes it’s way out in different ways and different times. I don’t think I really have anyone to talk to, so I write. Sometimes I write here and other times in a notebook or on doc sheets I may take to the grave. I got to get it out so I feel better.

Through it all I’m optimistic. I pray life comes together for me better than this. The highs and lows of the past 10 years have taken their toll on me. So many things I never want to feel again. So many people that I want to erase, but I can’t. I just want to be better internally at this point. The 2020’s should be the best time of my life. I’m going to look forward to it with hope no matter what.

Thank God I survived the last decade. I must be here for a real reason.

Cam Talk…

I don’t suffer in silence well
It’s hard to forget what’s been done to me
I think I love confrontation
There’s a thrill when “show and prove” is on me

I want power, freedom and control
I’ll give love, peace and comfort in return
I want the energy to remain
I want family and friends that don’t burn

I want to mean it
I want to understand
I’m here to excel
And collect what I demand

I’m here cause I belong
The journey still incomplete
My preparation under the radar
My movement explained to me

Stay protected and out of the way
Grow and be what you see
Words said to myself
As I grow to understand me

Image by Yuri_B from Pixabay

Nas was Right

It’s truly wild to have so many FB memories with people I don’t speak to anymore…

So many full blown conversations, laughs and memories shared. All seemingly meaning nothing now. It’s honestly sad. You go through life thinking that some people will always be around. That the moments that brought you together create an inseparable bond, but you’re wrong. I understand nothing is forever, but it’s just a reminder how death isn’t the only thing that separates us. One day, we will live, laugh, love and function in our same space and place and there will be new characters in the story of our lives. The old characters will have spin offs. You may make a cameo appearance, be a flashback or not even have a seat at the production meeting. For better or worse you may truly never know. It’s going to happen though. Just prepare yourself for the day.

Nas was right…”Love Changes and Best Friends become strangers”

I Remember: December 31, 2008

It was this day 10 years ago I made big plans for myself. I had just dropped what was my 2nd mixtape of 2008 while still riding high off the one I dropped in April. “Thank You…I Try” and Curtain Call Vol.1: SHOOHmanship sounded great and I did more shows than ever the summer of 2008 from the city to the suburbs. I had a website called “GrownManMusic.com” where the music could be listened to and where merchandise could be purchased. I was really serious about making a push for being a “known rapper” in the city of Chicago and doing something one of a kind for the town that raised me, Freeport, Illinois. Only thing on my mind was rapping my ass off to get myself out of Walgreens and living a life of luxury. I really felt I could do it. I honestly didn’t know how with no real plug into the next level, but that was the plan. I celebrated New Years Eve with 5 other people that year. We were real low key. Drinks and Music in a safe and controlled environment. If you asked me then, I would have said I was in the presence of great company, friends and possibly even family.

My guy Mico was championing me and my movement hard. He was by far one of my truest and greatest supporters during that time and still is. When the ball dropped on 2009, he looked at me and said “Man, this is the year! You’re going to get a record deal and be one of the biggest rappers in the game! Telling you, dog! This is your time! This is your year!” I laughed, but felt all sincerity in his voice. I doubted and believed it at the same time. It’s wild how I can pinpoint the feeling I had and understand it more now looking back.

You’re reading this short story because that dream/goal didn’t happened. That day would become the countdown to “the end” on so many levels. The end of friendships. The end of my “rap career”. The end of me thinking that a record deal for me was going to happen. It also let me know that maybe that was never what I wanted. I didn’t record one verse for Curtain Call Vol.2: SHOOHTIME. In fact, I would 180 and decide to get into broadcasting by May of 2009.

Out of the 5 people I spent NYE with that year, I only talk to 2 now. One because he’s like a brother to me. The other because we are forever connected through a child. Funny how everybody’s down to ride and be a Solider, but no one wants a General.

2009 would become of the the wildest rides of my life with the majority of the people I brought in the New Year with being a distant memory by June. I would have never seen that coming even thinking back now. It was a valuable lesson learned and under that lens it leaves me with having no real regrets.

A lot can change in a year. The people that say they love you and riding for you may prove that they don’t and won’t. Pressure situations build character and reveal who’s who. I’m reminded of that as I go into every new year with less friends, interaction and support from more of those people. Those “friends” that “cared” those that are “like family” that “want to look out any way they can” and “don’t want you to forget them when you’ve made it”. They only truly mean that if you’re up and they can benefit. Not many have time for you, when you’re down.

Maybe I was never meant to be a famous rapper. I’m secure with that. It’s much more fun when it’s not a job anyway. I’m more concerned that it’s been 10 years and I still have the same dream and goal of being wealthy with a lifestyle of luxury. It’s a sign that I spent a years with a goal and had absolutely no idea how to get to it. It’s eye opening because the changes I have made and the information that I have attained and the people I admire and attempt to surround myself with show me I didn’t have a clue of how to do it back then. I got clues now though. I got clues and I am going to get further than ever this year.

With that said, today I added “Make $250,000” and “Save $15,000” to my 2019 goal list. I have a lot of work, risk and sacrifice ahead of me. At least I know and understand that now. I’m going to take to take a moment sometime tonight to pray on both of those goals. Pray that I achieve them and pray that I don’t get in my own way in the process of achieving them.

I’m also going to pray for some luck. I’m doing the work. I’ve maintained the consistency. I just need to be seen by someone that can really help me. I somebody to believe “I’m Next” and push the button. I’m prepared for the opportunity. Now, I’m praying that it comes. On this day, I have the same finish line I did 10 years ago. On this day, ten years later, I am prepared for another wild ride.

Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

Looking In The Mirror…

Looking in the mirror…

I see changes. Subtle changes from the new decisions I’ve made. They’re the improvements I desire. Peeking through like sunlight in the cracks of the unknown.

Lookin in the mirror…

I see hunger. The hunger that causes action of things never thought, seen and done before.

Looking in the mirror…

There is still passion there. The battle is exhausting, but I am still in the fight for what my mind has photographed and shown me could be mine.

Looking in the mirror…

There is no more fear. A lessening anxiety, but an ounce of desperation. Whether good or bad will determine what I do on the path to my destination.

I see…

I see a winner. A fighter. A man ready to risk it all. Willing to do what’s necessary and refusing to waiver or fall.

A time stamp of evolving. A new discipline and focus. A marathon man who is not in want of fame level notice.

I look in the mirror…

And I don’t blink…

Looking in the mirror… laser focused, bare with time to think…