Nipsey Hussle “I Don’t Stress”

I don’t stress out, Ni**a…

– Nipsey Hussle

So Apparently I’m Stressed

A conversation asking, “what does it mean to be stressed and how do you know that you’re stressed?” ended up becoming an alarming revelation for me. From the listing of symptoms I am extremely stressed out. I can’t say that I am surprised but I really didn’t think it was that bad. I literally had 3 symptoms in every category.

The pressures of earning and being a success are getting to me. The anxiety of having to be last in every aspect apparently is getting to me. Making ends meet has went from difficult to non-existent and if I’m not meeting others needs and demands it’s a problem. Silently I felt these things chipping more away from my being this week. It’s like I had lockjaw this week. I been clenching heavy and for the life of me I didn’t know why cause I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. That was a symptom listed for stress

I promise I’m going to afford therapy one of these days. I really need a person to talk to. Someone who doesn’t know me. Somebody that’s not trying to give advice or “help”. I don’t need help all the time. I need people to listen. I don’t have many listeners around me. It would be cool for someone to just listen blindly to the things I want, desire and feel. Just listen to it. Don’t judge me. Don’t tell me how it affects you and what you need. Just be about me. Even if it’s just 2 minutes. Just be about me in those 2 minutes.

I really want to pick up a Mixed Martial Art, because going to the gym is becoming mundane. Maybe some punching and kicking would stop me from gritting and grinding my teeth. Perhaps that will calm my nerves and mellow my mood some more. An intense experience may be just what I need.

I can’t even write what I feel out right now. But it’s clear there is a lot inside and inside really wants out. What’s definitely on my mind is keeping the promise I made to my daughter for October. I am praying hard for a miracle on this one. I know how I would handle this if it was just me. I no longer have that option anymore. I’ll sacrifice whatever just to not let her down.

Yeah…I’m definitely stressed.

It Hasn’t Been The Best Day

Nothing sends your mind in a complete whirlwind more than starting off your morning with losing your wallet.

I was going to Mariano’s to get my self some breakfast and lunch for work and realized I didn’t have my wallet on me. I’m an adult so my wallet is my life! I rushed back home, search the house, car, clothes even searched the dumpster before the garbage truck came. It wasn’t there. I checked them all several times. Still nothing. As I write you now I still don’t have it. It’s crazy cause I have absolutely everything I had on my person, including the receipt from the restaurant I went to yesterday but no wallet. I called the restaurant. They were nice, but not too helpful.

It was hard to sleep with that on my mind. And now that Chase doesn’t issue cards at Branch anymore I had to think of a plan and quick. Oh yeah, they also won’t help you without any kind of ID so I took yet another L in the process.

I wanted to at least try to sleep before work so that along with no money prevented me getting anything done at the DMV. I hope I can at least get that so I can move forward with getting everything else I need to function as an adult in society.

With all that, I get written up at work today. They say it was a productivity drop from me last week. It sucks cause I do my task how they say do them. I don’t take the shortcuts and I do things most won’t on the job and the result is being reprimanded. I just don’t get it. How can doing what management asks you to do be so wrong? If I’m being honest, it looks like the writing is on the wall again….Not even sure what to do now…

When you’re written up for BS reasons, you are under scrutiny and start being micromanaged. Then they can critique everything till you either adapt or vacate. With the day already a mess and my head not being in the right space, when they offered us the opportunity to punch out early, I didn’t hesitate.

This is one of those days I wish I was doing something I loved that also paid. I’m in desperate need of a real career and or a miracle. After her write up, I wanted to punch out, grab the Misses, pack up the car and just head towards a new life. No clue where that is, but I was down to do it. I wish I knew how to do what I want to do and execute that on a new level. I don’t know what steps to take to. What I do know is “just keep writing” doesn’t seem to be working towards my goal. I wish I understood what I was missing in both writing and radio.

Maybe I don’t pray hard enough or truly believe deep enough. I don’t know what it is, but I am in desperate need of a breakthrough. I have to do something to create a new stable and enjoyable opportunity.

My apologies if this reads terribly. I dosed off doing this one. I’ll edit when I’m more alert. Thanks for reading.

Why I’m Pen Pimpin…

It’s August. This month started out bad for me. To be honest, even with great milestones this year hasn’t been the greatest for me. Somehow I got back in the rock and hard place of “doing what I can or have to” instead of “doing what I want to do and love”. It lead to a very stressful, anxiety filled and depressive state. That state became somewhat paralyzing. I literally was sitting eating some hash browns thinking about my life and where it is and I started feeling pain. Pain in my back and legs. Agonizing, sharp pains. I was all alone in the house, yelling in pain. Too hurt to cry, but too down to feel like I can live. I buckled and couldn’t walk. I panicked and just stopped everything. I just laid in this spot, almost breathless until I felt enough blood rushing to my limbs to move again.

To be honest I got caught up in my own mind and it started blending too close to Social Media’s standards of “success”. For the first time ever, followers, likes, clout and exposure mattered to me. It mattered to the point I was thinking about doing things solely to achieve those things. It got to the point I was thinking about doing virtually anything. I felt disgusted with myself. Was I really ready to “do whatever” for likes and fame? Was I that starved to be accepted, build an audience and get paid? At the time I didn’t have the answers so I just logged out of every single social account I had and deleted them off of my phone. Before I did that I put out a message saying that I was suffering from stress and anxiety and needed to get away. I didn’t want to be perceived as “crying wolf” or “seeking attention” so I made that post and immediately got off the internet. I didn’t wait to see who liked or commented. I didn’t check the insight numbers to see if the word got out. I just cut myself off, cold turkey. I really had to see how low I’d sunk and exactly how much I got caught up in this fake world known as Social Media.

What I found is some people definitely took it serious and actually sent text messages to my phone. They wanted to check in and see where my mind was at. Give an encouraging word. A couple just wanted to tell me I was family and they loved me. It was an awesome feeling! Knowing that I could not be on social media, 2, 12, 24, 48, 72 plus hours and people were still reaching out to me gave me real clarity. It let me know that the social media world isn’t my whole world. It was a true defining moment in how to move forward and why.

How did I cope, heal and release? I went to Walmart, bought another notebook and 3 chocolate chip cookies. I had bought a notebook and pens a week or so before. That notebook was just for my goals and aspirations. In 10 minutes, I had 2 pages of things I wanted to do with my life and no visible direction of how to get there. I was so worried about the now. The career I was pushed out of. The jobs that aren’t paying well. The time, energy and expenses it was taking to barely get by. Putting the work and passion into things that just didn’t pay at all. It was all taking a toll on me. I doubted myself, the idea of God and whether or not I really had friends and family around me that really want to see me win. All these things were filling up my mind and body even while writing and reading my goals. It finally affected me painfully physically. So I went back to doing what I always did when my thoughts consumed me; Writing. It was the one effortless thing I always did well in my life.

I honestly should have tried to become a professional writer. Professor Henderson told me I should when he read my piece on Stevie Wonder to the class. I think he only read 2 out of 30 papers. Possibly more. I just know after class he stopped me and told me that I should consider a career in writing. Me being a foolish, money hungry teen said, “but do they make good money?” Professor Henderson didn’t give a definite yes, but he did say that I could be very successful at it. If I knew happiness was a bigger component to success at 19, I would have dropped out of that tech school after his class and tried to get in to Columbia, DePaul or NIU. Shoot, I might have even called Marquette University back, did that visit, signed up and been classmates with D Wade. However, I didn’t. I’ll finish that piece later. Back to the original premise.

The time off and away from social media and writing loosened the muscles and joints in my body. In just a couple of hours, I was releasing so many thoughts, statements, idea, words, lyrics, and poems in my head. I even ¬†wrote about things I was unhappy about with life. I felt pain leaving my mind and body. I felt my vision getting clearer. I felt drained and sleepy. I knew it meant my mind was at ease. I knew it meant I was healing. Although, the reality of everything in front of me hadn’t change, I felt better. That’s all I wanted to do. Feel better.

All the above and a Gary Vee video I watched before work lead me here. Gary Vee is the man! He always speaks on “finding your talent”. Knowing what you’re good at and doubling or tripling down on that. Having a real conversation with yourself about who you are and what you can do. The message hit harder than ever last week. What it made me realize is that the one thing that can never be denied is my ability to write. I’m a great writer. Bottom line. It’s natural. I’m sure some grammar and punctual police may beg to differ, but here’s the reality. There is technical writing and there is writing with passion. I am a master of writing with passion. I spark feeling, emotion and conversation when I write. I paint pictures and draw perspectives on a pen or a keyboard. I speak from a genuine place and I am felt even when a person may disagree. That’s why I’m a great writer.

Writing is my Plan A moving forward. It makes me feel good. It helps me navigate through life. I also believe my writing can help someone else. Why? Because I have the courage to make my words public as myself and stand on every single word. I look forward to doing that for all of you for as long as God allows. So enjoy my life, times and ideas in my own words. Here is the official birth of “The Pen Pimp.” Thank you for reading.