False Feelings???

I recently had a conversation that made me rethink some things I thought I wanted and some of the people I felt I wanted around.

In this one life that we live, we are going to do and experience right and wrong. There will come a time in our lives when we all will do right and will do wrong. The thought of the week for me; I don’t want to be around any person that swears they have done no wrong ever. That’s not even realistic in life.

It’s so much talk about “vibes” “energy” and “protecting peace” but there are people out there that post all that and never see the error in their own ways and actions. Maybe your energy is being affected because of the way you talk to people. Maybe the vibe is different for you because people are tired of you looking at everybody else but yourself for all your internal and external issues and shortcomings. Maybe your peace isn’t protected because you’re moving different, keeping secrets, looking funny in the light and you’re not as 100 as you think you are. Even if you’re on point 85% of the time; The 15% still counts against you. No one is exempt from that basic math.

Not everything can be fixed with an apology. The action of changed behavior is always needed and respected more; But when you encounter a person that absolves themselves from any and all error and wrong doing; It may be best to leave them in their own ignorant bliss.

Sorry Y’all: Thoughts From My Recliner

So man! It’s been a minute right? I’ve been trying to stay off of my public safe space because I’ve been in several moods and emotions and to be real; It’s not quite ready for even my public safe space yet.

I’m still thinking about my grandma. I have new thoughts about my personal life. I have a new mindset on self care. It’s a lot going on in my mind to say the absolute least. I’m going to try and pump out a little art to y’all though. Maybe a few writings will help me get back into a better mental space.

Hope everybody is taking the quarantine seriously. At the same time I hope blacks and latinos aren’t co-signing every word that is being said about us and the coronavirus on the news. Always keep in your mind we as a delegation went from “Black folks can’t catch the coronavirus” to the news now telling us 50% of all coronavirus deaths are black people. That’s not some coincidental news to me. AmeriKKKa has been capitalizing off of Black Fear for a long time. Don’t think they wouldn’t do it during a pandemic.

Whether you are staying busy or just staying safe, good for you. Don’t get wrapped up in people telling you what you got to do or work on right now. You supposed to do you. That’s the only thing that matters right now. As long as you are doing that, all will remain well.

Well, Let me attempt to tell my life colorfully so I can relax and finally get into Snowfall.

Be Safe, wear mask and wash your entire body thoroughly…and your clothes. Love!

Wide Awake

I’m up and have been up for at least an hour. Many thoughts clouding my mind. Things I want to do. Things I want to have a see. People I have encountered in all facets of life. All of it is clouding my mind right now and it’s keeping me awake. I wish I understood why.

I hope to make sense of all this soon. I don’t feel tired at all, just loaded with thoughts.

The Power in Happier Thoughts

Since the day I decided I would choose happiness first and added it to my affirmation list, I’ve felt a shift. A shift of relief. I’m not as anxious or tense about “what’s next” anymore. I no longer feel stuck or trapped in a situation with no way out. I know what I’m going after and that has provide some mental and even physical ease. I’m a little anxious to move forward in the process, but I am happy to be patient now that I know where I am going.

A new level of peace is emerging. I know all will be fine as soon as it begins. I will be able to do all the things I want to do and other things I’ve never imagined. No better sign than all of these to know it’s best to continue focusing on what makes me happy.

Things We Say…

One day when there’s enough money or next time when it’s this sunny
Maybe next time, when I get my taxes. Possibly next time I’ll stop and grab it
I got to do that for sure. You’re the only one that I adore
We’re soulmates, I’m love struck
We’ll be real friends no matter what

I can’t stand you and I want you gone
I hate this shit, time to move on
Why does it always have to be like this
I’m okay, I’m fine, I’m pissed
Are you ever truly gonna be sick and tired of this shit?
You’re just gonna leave like that? You sat here and lied like this?

I loved you, I hate you, you meant the world to me
I liked you, you’re real, you’re who I aspired to be
That dream is now gone, my feelings are so strong
I’ll be here forever, it’s hard to move on

Pretty soon, right now, I can’t cause fear
I’m afraid, not now, eh, maybe next year…

Image by nile from Pixabay

Deflated Feelings

It’s days like this where I really just don’t understand why life is the way it is. I truly do realize that I’m not going to get myself in a greater financial circumstance playing by “the rules”. The go to work full time, get overtime, collect your check and try to save rules. It’s getting me absolutely fucking nowhere and I fucking hate it!

Low wage is real. Debt is real. Not being able to have or find help is real. Sometimes I really think I’d be better off homeless or sleeping in a car. At least then I know I could afford to live day to day with a job. I don’t even know why I keep a job right now. It doesn’t even pay enough for me to live comfortably in the area the office resides. My reality is fucking trash and I feel out of options!

I don’t make excuses about my deductions or payments either. Hell, I should be making way more than I’m receiving so in my mind, that shouldn’t even matter. I should be able to cover that and a whole lot more!

I work so hard to try and do the right things and make the smartest decisions but it feels like there isn’t much moving in my favor. I want to get ahead financially. I really do. I don’t know why it is so elusive. It’s almost like I’m supposed to lose by design. I work; At some points in time 2 or 3 jobs at a time and I barely make money to half ass survive. It makes me anxious, depressed and uncertain that I have a real future in anything I do.

I’m over being positive right now. I need results. I can’t afford to live like this any longer. This truly isn’t the life for me. I am not going to die like this!