Deflated Feelings

It’s days like this where I really just don’t understand why life is the way it is. I truly do realize that I’m not going to get myself in a greater financial circumstance playing by “the rules”. The go to work full time, get overtime, collect your check and try to save rules. It’s getting me absolutely fucking nowhere and I fucking hate it!

Low wage is real. Debt is real. Not being able to have or find help is real. Sometimes I really think I’d be better off homeless or sleeping in a car. At least then I know I could afford to live day to day with a job. I don’t even know why I keep a job right now. It doesn’t even pay enough for me to live comfortably in the area the office resides. My reality is fucking trash and I feel out of options!

I don’t make excuses about my deductions or payments either. Hell, I should be making way more than I’m receiving so in my mind, that shouldn’t even matter. I should be able to cover that and a whole lot more!

I work so hard to try and do the right things and make the smartest decisions but it feels like there isn’t much moving in my favor. I want to get ahead financially. I really do. I don’t know why it is so elusive. It’s almost like I’m supposed to lose by design. I work; At some points in time 2 or 3 jobs at a time and I barely make money to half ass survive. It makes me anxious, depressed and uncertain that I have a real future in anything I do.

I’m over being positive right now. I need results. I can’t afford to live like this any longer. This truly isn’t the life for me. I am not going to die like this!

Life or Live?

Are you truly living a life if you don’t get what you want out of it?
“It” being life or living
To live is to experience
A life is to be molded
How do you mold a life you want to live?
That’s where my thoughts begin…

Plan Filled Thoughts

I just want to change and make changes. I want to accomplish all the small things as well as the major things that route my mind. I want to be active with purpose. I want to be intentional with my time.

Today is a day to make plans a reality. Why occupy reality without an executed plan?

Cam Talk…

I don’t suffer in silence well
It’s hard to forget what’s been done to me
I think I love confrontation
There’s a thrill when “show and prove” is on me

I want power, freedom and control
I’ll give love, peace and comfort in return
I want the energy to remain
I want family and friends that don’t burn

I want to mean it
I want to understand
I’m here to excel
And collect what I demand

I’m here cause I belong
The journey still incomplete
My preparation under the radar
My movement explained to me

Stay protected and out of the way
Grow and be what you see
Words said to myself
As I grow to understand me

Image by Yuri_B from Pixabay

W’s?…

Who can I turn to?
When no one understands
And don’t agree with my plans

Who can I talk to?
When they hear but don’t listen
Unable to see the vision

Where do I go?
When I wander and feel alone
And no place is like home

Where is the next route?
Cause my up has turned down
And my action is just sound

What’s next though?
It’s pretty complex, no?
Give me time, I’ma speak slow…

A Father’s Place

I just got off the phone with my daughter and we had a moment that went deeper than normal. For the first time in a while, she opened up to me and let me know about some things that had happened to her and how she was feeling. She shared with me a bullying experience, but she also stopped because she didn’t want to be sad again. Those were her exact words and they stung a little bit. I became anxious and deeply concerned.

It lead to me explaining that she looks “more like me” than a lot of students in her class and that I actually know about being in that position. I also told her to never ever feel that the way she looks makes her “less than” or “weird” or anything else that an insecure or hurtful child might tell her.

The story did end somewhat positively, but I never want my daughter to feel hurt or feel like she can’t talk about her joy or her pain to me. I pleaded for her to call and talk to me no matter the time of the day. I told her if she’s having a bad day at school or something happens to her that she should tell me. I also told her if she’s having an amazing day I want to hear about it. I told her although I don’t live with her or in the same state that I want her to always feel that she can come to me and that I am here for her. She’s only 8, but I really took my time and feel I used the appropriate words and tone to convey my sincerity.

I never really talked to my father, ever! I don’t want to be that father. No matter the situation with her mother, I want her to know that I am accessible. I have care, concern and want to be involved in every aspect of her life. From now on, I’m going to request more detail. I need more than “good” or “ok” for her answers. I now realize that she may be going through a lot and feel she has no one to really talk to. I want to be that someone for her forever. I just hope i’m going about it the right way.