I just want to change and make changes. I want to accomplish all the small things as well as the major things that route my mind. I want to be active with purpose. I want to be intentional with my time.
Today is a day to make plans a reality. Why occupy reality without an executed plan?
I don’t suffer in silence well
It’s hard to forget what’s been done to me
I think I love confrontation
There’s a thrill when “show and prove” is on me
I want power, freedom and control
I’ll give love, peace and comfort in return
I want the energy to remain
I want family and friends that don’t burn
I want to mean it
I want to understand
I’m here to excel
And collect what I demand
I’m here cause I belong
The journey still incomplete
My preparation under the radar
My movement explained to me
Stay protected and out of the way
Grow and be what you see
Words said to myself
As I grow to understand me
Who can I turn to?
When no one understands
And don’t agree with my plans
Who can I talk to?
When they hear but don’t listen
Unable to see the vision
Where do I go?
When I wander and feel alone
And no place is like home
Where is the next route?
Cause my up has turned down
And my action is just sound
What’s next though?
It’s pretty complex, no?
Give me time, I’ma speak slow…
I just got off the phone with my daughter and we had a moment that went deeper than normal. For the first time in a while, she opened up to me and let me know about some things that had happened to her and how she was feeling. She shared with me a bullying experience, but she also stopped because she didn’t want to be sad again. Those were her exact words and they stung a little bit. I became anxious and deeply concerned.
It lead to me explaining that she looks “more like me” than a lot of students in her class and that I actually know about being in that position. I also told her to never ever feel that the way she looks makes her “less than” or “weird” or anything else that an insecure or hurtful child might tell her.
The story did end somewhat positively, but I never want my daughter to feel hurt or feel like she can’t talk about her joy or her pain to me. I pleaded for her to call and talk to me no matter the time of the day. I told her if she’s having a bad day at school or something happens to her that she should tell me. I also told her if she’s having an amazing day I want to hear about it. I told her although I don’t live with her or in the same state that I want her to always feel that she can come to me and that I am here for her. She’s only 8, but I really took my time and feel I used the appropriate words and tone to convey my sincerity.
I never really talked to my father, ever! I don’t want to be that father. No matter the situation with her mother, I want her to know that I am accessible. I have care, concern and want to be involved in every aspect of her life. From now on, I’m going to request more detail. I need more than “good” or “ok” for her answers. I now realize that she may be going through a lot and feel she has no one to really talk to. I want to be that someone for her forever. I just hope i’m going about it the right way.
On April 15th, I started a countdown to my 38 Birthday. It was about all the thoughts on my mind and things I hope to improve on as I venture deeper into my late 30’s. Here’s my complete list of 30 thoughts before 38.
I’m here, on time, putting in the work and unfulfilled
I have no problem with the task or most of the people
I just don’t want to be here
I do enjoy the sports talk and positivity
The jokes and camaraderie
The free food and holiday gifting
But this life just isn’t me
I’m feeling the urge to leap
Like a toddler on a playground step
No fear and pure delight on my face
As I enjoy the simplicity of what’s next
The fear in my chest has dissipated
The new courage to live emancipated
My mind wandering like the pollen of spring
Knowing anywhere I could happily be
I want to create, earn and do for me
I want to live breathe and truly see
A life that some do and many read
The power of knowing I work for me