Ready for The 2nd Half

I’ve been going out of my way to make myself happy since my birthday week and it’s hands down lead to the greatest weekend on the year! That’s saying a lot during a pandemic on top of losing my greatest listener and my personal life being in complete shambles!

I deprived myself of happiness in many ways and I didn’t even notice how visible it was. I like the fact that people are telling me “you look happy” or “It’s great to see you smiling”. I was obviously very depressed with high anxiety to kick off this year and I was in need. The need was so high that I began to feel hurt and that hurt made me act out in a couple ways I shouldn’t have.

Even though, it’s probably not recommended, I began to isolate myself. I stayed with my thoughts until it became it clear. Can’t front, dabbling more with edibles and vapes helped a great deal too! Then, I started leaning on the people around me that wanted to be leaned on. I found new listeners! People that care and want to help with what I’m going through and not just throw at me what they need, want or expect too. Those talks helped me make some decisions. Those talks help me make some apologies. Those talks helped me find peace within myself and left a path for me to start making myself happy.

I learned this year that I am the only person that has me as a top priority and that’s okay. I’m not going to cry or act like a bitch because I’m not number 1 on somebody’s list; That’s not how it’s supposed to go. Truth be told I should be 2nd on my own list because I was taught to put God first. I learned all about the weight carried of people who demand to be first in your life but don’t want or even care to consistently give you what you need. The power struggle of conforming in an effort to get a subpar inconsistent version of your wants and needs is exhausting. Tasting the freedom from that is euphoric!

It’s still a lot of year left and I’m going to do some great things. I’ve let everything go and put it firmly in God’s hands. It’s the absolute best decision I made all year.

The Arousal of Want

Image by kai kalhh from Pixabay

Since I’ve flipped the switch and put focus on getting exactly what I want, I’ve noticed a change in myself. I see opportunity over obstacle. I believe that I can have now vs later or not at all. I am in tune with a new vibration in myself that it is channeling different senses in me. It’s also possible that this is not really a change at all. Just awareness of what happens when I want with intent to get and actually believe and pay attention.

I seen this hat online. It caught my eye and felt like it was literally calling me. I look at it from every angle and said, “I want that. That’s hot! I’m going to get that.” As I spoke those words my next inhale was euphoric, semi orgasmic even. For the first time since I can remember, I looked at an item, made up my mind to get it and a moment was created. My inhale brought a vision of me in the hat. Where I would go in it and even pictures I would take.

I didn’t worry about the price, what I would have to do to get it or the worst, say “I can’t afford it” and then begin to look for something cheaper or log off and look at nothing at all. Registering that want was arousing. It heightened my senses, made me visualize and put me on a mission to complete a task. A task that won’t be denied. For the first time probably ever, I’ve looked at an item and it’s price and said, “bet I come up with that no problem.”

After looking at that hat, I seen shirts. Shirts that maybe a month ago I seen and said “they want too damn much for that” and now those same shirts became a doable purchase. Why? Cause they match the hat and well, Your shirt got to match your hat. Shoes too if you want to get that fly. Even as I added it up in my mind, I said “that’s barely one week of hustling and hard work. I got that.” It was refreshing to have that perspective vs the down feelings and sometimes literal depression of not getting something that I truly wanted. And the only person who ever said I couldn’t get it, was me. I’ve talked myself out of more wants than I can remember. And why? I never “made enough to get it one day” or always found another reason why I should wait a little longer. I work and hustle hard. Why do I not spoil myself? Why do I not believe I deserve to get nice things for me? That was a question I didn’t even know I had to answer until this week.

I been collecting pictures of things I’ve always wanted, but never got because “I felt I couldn’t have it” or “didn’t feel it was the right time to get it.” What I’ve realized is that was negative conditioning for me. It subconsciously taught me to settle and compromise. Dial back my desire. Waiver on my wants. Get what you say you can afford, not what truly catches your eye. It’s over for that. I’m on a path to spoil as I create victories. I’m going to entice and delight myself after a job well done and with money well earned. I am going to get exactly what I want in every aspect.

I think it’s a great part of mental conditioning too. If I can’t get the shirt, hat, jacket or shoes that I want. How will I get the vehicle, home and business I want? If I can’t get my little wants how on earth will I prepare for the big wants? They all take the same methodology. See it, believe you can get it, work towards it, acquire it. Doesn’t sound like that can coexist with settling, so I’m officially ridding my mind of settling. I will also rid my mind of compromise and waiting. I’ve waited long enough and you know what? One day never came and I’m sure that same amount of money or more went to something I either don’t remember getting or didn’t satisfy me as much as what I originally wanted.

I may be late to this party and school of thought, but the real festivities are only beginning. Rewards for my work and effort are in my sight and I have a beautiful view.

Wanting Reminder

Go for exactly what you want. Don’t compromise or settle. It may take some time and you may not know how you’re going to do it, but don’t give up on those first original thoughts. Because those first original thoughts are what you always wanted.

Believe and a way will be made.

Remembering when I wanted this

A web search excited my spirit and brought me back to 10 years ago. 10 years ago I was in my dream car and it truly felt like a dream. I hated when I had to trade it in for something more reliable. Looking back I was just in over my head and couldn’t afford to repair what needed to be fix, pay the note and relocate at the same time. So I traded it in and got a safe and reliable vehicle that looking back gave me a lot of security and less heartache. It was a great car. It just wasn’t this car.

During my search, I found my car again! 6 years newer but exactly the one I had bought. Probably 12,000 more miles than when I bought mine, but also about half the price of the one I originally bought now 12 years ago. I want it! No, scratch that. I’m going to get it! It didn’t happen for no reason. All my energy is in to making this happen and doing it smarter than the last time. I’m excited to make another aspiration in to a goal.

The memories I have are still tangible. The clothes I bought, the music I listened to, the art that I created. All were influenced by this vehicle. I was truly happy. I was truly in love with this vehicle. It was more than a means of transportation. It was truly an extension of my life and times.

This one is for the old me that didn’t understand who he had to be to get what he wanted and the sacrifice in him to keep it. It’s a new day and a new me, but I want that old thing back. I want it for me. To accomplish something special for my self esteem, patience and growth. I can’t wait to share the news of me being the proud owner again! This time, I won’t let go without a great fight.