I’m here, on time, putting in the work and unfulfilled
I have no problem with the task or most of the people
I just don’t want to be here
I do enjoy the sports talk and positivity
The jokes and camaraderie
The free food and holiday gifting
But this life just isn’t me
I’m feeling the urge to leap
Like a toddler on a playground step
No fear and pure delight on my face
As I enjoy the simplicity of what’s next
The fear in my chest has dissipated
The new courage to live emancipated
My mind wandering like the pollen of spring
Knowing anywhere I could happily be
I want to create, earn and do for me
I want to live breathe and truly see
A life that some do and many read
The power of knowing I work for me
As soon as I started agonizing over my have nots and why I’m not being noticed or feel like things are not moving forward, I remembered the things that have been very consistent for the last year and change.
1. Writing on this blog
2. First Black Champ Podcast
3. Bangin On Lunch Tables Podcast
Those 3 things take a lot of time and energy that I do have to give and honestly could give more to.
Maybe I need to get those stronger than ever before I try moving on to different things or creating other content. With my creative energy pointed in these 3 directions, something great is bound to arise.
Sorry self. It’s not that you’re not doing enough. You just haven’t created enough success with what you have to move on. Let’s double down on our big three and not worry about tomorrow. Let’s just keep creating today.
Maybe I Don’t Believe In God Enough…
How could I while thinking My destiny is in my own hands
Like I’m going to pull the strings to solely create my desired reality
Like I’m truly in control of the narratives true or fallacy
Maybe I don’t believe in God Enough…
Faith fails in the midst of worry
The wonders of why others succeeded and how should scurry
Cause what’s meant for me is to focus and keep working
I Don’t believe in God enough…
Because when I left that job, I got scared
I felt devalued and too weird
No clue how to get more
And walked consumed with silent fears
I didn’t trust his process
Block out the nonsense
Prepare myself for a better day
Understand that “He Got This”
When I believed in God enough…
Great passions were revealed
Foggy paths became clear
The right people reach out
I started conquering self doubt
Found new life to create
Knew I was down but not done and out
Do I believe in God enough???
I’d have to say such
Now it’s time to know what happens
When I believe in God too much…
Nothing motivates me like working and earning a dollar. I didn’t realize how depressed I was in the house everyday waiting and wanting an opportunity. I’m not used to it. It feels even worse when the bills pile up and you can’t pay them and you just pray for an escape.
I was literally in a situation where someone giving me $10 was a game-changer in my week. That’s when I began to really feel hopeless and pathetic. How did I get here? What am I doing wrong? How come I’m not able to take care of myself anymore? All the questions I would ask and many more throughout the days as they went by.
As a man, no feeling is worse than feeling like you are powerless to take care of anything. At least it is to me. It’s hard to smile, joke, relax and have fun when you have enough, need a lot and not sure how you’re going to get anything. That’s why I began going for any and every opportunity possible. Any industry I had been in before, I applied. Even applied for jobs that I know I don’t want long term but would be literal life savers right now. I got one of those jobs. And you know what? Work Feels Better!
Yeah, it’s not in my desired industry, but it’s allowing me enough free time to do the things I want to do in the industry I desire to be in. No, the pay isn’t fantastic, but it’s higher than every job I’ve had in 2017. What I see is the greatest blessing in disguise. Now, if nothing else I can eat, get gas and keep a phone on. I can pay a few bills and maintain transportation and living expenses. It’s back to square one and building from the ground up. All the loss is setting up for a big win. I have to be relentless and tenacious on my way to victory. Can’t slow down now. Got to keep fighting for everything I want. Plus being active takes my mind off of how to deal with those “have nots”. That shouldn’t be the focus. It should be all about what I have and what I am gaining. God Bless the ability and the opportunity to work. I feel good just knowing compensation is on the way.
Have a great day.
Yo! Good afternoon! I was cranking out a lot of content earlier in the week and last week and I hope you enjoyed at least one piece because that truly means the world to me. If you got a moment, check out my concert review on ChicagoMusic.com I got a chance to see some of my favorite emcees do their thing and write about it. Life doesn’t get much cooler than that.
Want to talk today about knowing when it’s time to let go. I have an example and I want you to think about this example and apply it to your life if you can and if it helps with a decision you have to make, let me know.
I got a chance to work several venues this year through an honestly great company. My experience overall has been great and I think I’ve made some great networking connections and possibly even a few new friends through this experience. The problem is as life and bills happen, it hasn’t become as lucrative. Now travel and parking in the city is eating up most of the money I have to keep for myself. Now, there are other deductions that take place and I understand those, however, end of day, I feel I should be able to maneuver in spite of that. I’m considering leaving this new venue because day to day, it’s just not beneficial to me financially week to week and sometimes day to day. The biggest reason why I’m considering leaving is because I have something lined up that’s not official, but I’ll be honestly shocked if something goes left that leaves me searching. I really couldn’t do both at the same time anyway and I’m still not sure if the current gig would end up paying for itself versus being actual extra money.
The thought I had last night was to leave. Cut now before more losses occur. However, the “what am I going to do?” question popped in my head. Then “relax, because the next step is in play crossed my mind”, but that was then met with “But if it doesn’t happen, you’re at square 1 with nothing.” Then I just stopped and let my mind wander.
Self doubt, self assurance, confidence in tomorrow, yet worried about today all in one session of thought. I’m pulled in all directions here and to be honest, I know the answer. Sometimes common sense is just ignored. Sometimes you know exactly what the path should be, but you are too consumed with what should be or how it should go. The real key is adjusting and weathering the storm.
Thanks for reading and listening.