Night Thoughts Before Meditation

I’m mentally checked out and emotionally angry… I don’t understand what the current period of life means, but I will ultimately do what’s best for me.

I’ve dealt with a heavy burden of making people happy because of the position they’ve held and I didn’t get much in return. People will sometimes overstate their contribution, especially when it’s some shit you never asked for. Makes you hate to see people coming. Has your mood and feelings down when they’re around.

Some people are so self centered that they they don’t even have the peripheral vision to see beside themselves.

Just thinking out loud before I meditate. I can’t allow my mind to get the better of me. These few words are only the beginning on a story that may be in its final chapter.

Goodnight.

To Be…

To have my smile be infectious to a heart and be reflected

For my playful nature to be accepted. Release tension and be connected with

To be warm, carefree and calm

A detour from the world and the wrong that’s going on, is what I want.

To ignite genuine happiness being free as my thoughts allow

Never holding back a piece of myself never ceasing or dialing down.

Living, connecting, understood, appreciated.

Not cause of my title, but because of my being. To my core be celebrated.

I long to be like the pics I’ve seen. No contingency or complications.

I thought I had the pics I’ve seen, but the feeling is lost or deflated.

A New Sacrifice

I’m officially on day 31 of thinking about what to do with my life. I’m refreshed, I’m clear and my overall demeanor is focused. This is all in the wake of a lot of lost, misfortune and expectations not being met this year.

I’m thinking about my goals and the life I see for myself and honestly, I believe there is one more sacrifice to make. This one may be deemed so crazy that I don’t even want to share in detail here. What’s clear right now is there’s nothing standing in my way and no one has the opportunity to talk me out of what’s in my mind. That may be the scenario that I’ve truly been asking for all this time.

What’s very real is my podcasts, magazines and shirts are what I want to do with my life. Every investment I can make to those is a great benefit. The question that remains is, how much of a sacrifice am I willing to put towards all of it? How uncomfortable am I willing to be? How much am I willing to put on the line to show how much I believe? I think I’ve found a new level that I am willing to go for all the above. There are still things I want. There’s a new level of sacrifice to get them. Every sacrifice is not meant to be understood or explained; So I won’t. I’m just going to plan and pray. My gut is telling me to step out on faith and do something that I don’t think many people around me could or would do. And maybe that’s all the reason why I have to make it happen.

My Daddy Goal

I believe it was two years ago. I typed a goal/affirmation down in my phone that simply said,

“I’m going to hug my daughter everyday”

I have not achieved that goal, yet. I think that not achieving this goal has lead to my indescribable incomplete feeling. With the passing of my grandma and how important she was to both of us, I really have to do all I can to achieve that goal.

Making a living was hard enough before the pandemic. For many it will become even harder. Relocating is a task within itself, but the distance we are apart would make daily travel very expensive and unrealistic. I have some real decisions to make, even if temporary. I know the great relationship I have with my daughter could be greater. It’s on me to push it to that level. This is a decision less about me and more about her and us. In this crazy time we are living in, I don’t want to be far from my child. I don’t want to have to finance a trip to see her. I don’t want her adolescent years with me to be sporadic and heavy technology based. As her father, it’s on me to fix that reality in every aspect anyway I can.

I will fulfill my Daddy goal of hugging my daughter everyday. It’s a must.