Before The Decade Ends! A Letter To Myself

Yo! What’s good, Man?

Look, I know it’s still 2 full months of this decade left, but if I know you, you’re already thinking about May 2020. So before this decade ends lets talk right now.

The 2010’s were wild man. A lot of lessons learned. You did a lot of things you’d thought you’d never do both positive and negative. You became a father! That’s how we kicked the 2010’s off! Stop beating yourself up over that. You truly are doing the best you can and it’s getting better. You’re winning the battle with yourself and your emotions in that situation. I know it gets rough, but stand strong. Let the man you’re still becoming take over this situation. Remember, no woman, court or dollar amount can stop you from being the father you want to be.

You got your taste of terrestrial radio. We thought that would be it. We thought we found a career path that we could stick with forever. What we found is eye opening lessons about black people, black business and how it’s always going to be a struggle if people don’t like you, no matter the industry. You didn’t let that stop you though! Podcasting is your thing! Keep running with it. I know it’s not paying what you want or need, but you got something special here. All three of your shows are gold! Just keep pushing, man.

Writing has again saved and improved your life. You seem to be more in tune with yourself more than ever. I know writing a lot of things out helped with that. Keep it real, all those raps from the 2000’s didn’t cover everything and a lot of that seeped out in the 2010’s, huh? Yeah I know. What’s dope is how you diversified your writing. You had, blogs, journals, you wrote for websites, got back into poetry and also put out a book! Next decade lets put out those other 2 books. The people that you can’t see and don’t know want to read it. Get on those audiobooks too, bro! Seriously! I’m so happy you’re writing again and taking it seriously. Your mind moves at a pace too fast to keep it all concealed.

You turned 30 this decade and had a few health issues. Glad to see you gradually adopted better lifestyle choices. Always remember it’s a marathon. Don’t feel obligated to go at anyone else’s pace but your own. Even with all that your 30’s was still lit! You still had a lot of first. You may have lost some friends to death, but you gained a partner for life with your wife! Marriage was never in the written plan, but you made an awesome pick! Hell, a lot of who you are becoming is because of her. That’s special. That’s rare. Don’t give up though. I know those talks you had about marriage are real to you, but that was a different time. Those growing pains were rough, but look at you two. Seemingly closer now than ever before. That’s a great thing.

You might have buried “Shoohstopugh” in 2009, but the names didn’t stop there. You picked up “The Captain” then flipped to “CamQuotes” a quick stint as “Life Writer Cam” which lead you back to “CamQuotes” to now just saying fuck all this name shit and Sticking with “Cam.” I get it. The industry tells you to have a persona, be a personality and have a name. The wild thing is “Cam” was always cool enough, figuratively and literally. All those changes may have felt like they were for nothing, but it’s all signs of growth. Nice touch on using your family nickname for social media. It’s still you at the core and it already has a built in audience. You’re always going to be “Camp from The Port” no matter how much money or fame you get and no matter where you move.

Speaking of social media. I know you kind of want to leave forever. I know you’re planning on making some changes. I’m telling you, do what you feel. If you’re thinking and working better without it, so be it. If it’s the cause of your creative wall or stunting you mental growth at times, log out. Sign off, detox and comeback when you’re ready. You’re a creative loner that grew up latchkey. You’ve never talked to this many people at one time in one day in your life ever! No one understands more than me how burnt out you are. Make it make sense for you and no one else.

G, next decade you’ll be in your 40’s! Wow! And guess what? You’re still not old! You are aware that youth is of the mind and spirit. You are at the pulse of experience. Your 40’s are going to be amazing when you get there. Embrace it all! You’ll probably going to be the best human being you’ve ever been. Embrace and enjoy!

We can talk forever, but I know time won’t allow that. Keep living and doing for you! Be everything you want to be without regard for opposing views. Keep that self awareness, love and passion to be phenomenal in every way.

Talk soon, Fam.

Love.

Black Revenge or Black Forgiveness?

It’s hard AF to be black in America. Like, really hard to be black in America. Many of us only know our history as being no more than “400 years of slavery” Emmet Till, “Jim Grow and racist sh*t in the 60’s, Malcolm and Martin, Rodney King, Trayvon Martin, and police harassing, embarrassing, disrespecting and shooting us.

The behavior towards black people hasn’t changed much, it’s just technology is capturing more of it and now it’s not openly celebrated because the 2nd greatest fear in America is Black Revenge. Black revenge even scares black people. What we could do or should do to combat oppression strikes literal fear in the hearts of every man woman and child. Why? Because it would be justified. It would be understandable and felt to a degree that you could argue “what took you so long?” and it should end like any Stallone or Schwarzenegger movie. With a black man or woman being celebrated for destroying every piece of shit oppressor and their conditioned offspring cause in the end, the world is truly a safer place for us all. That doesn’t happen though. Not only does it not happen, it’s not even planned. We only organize to do one thing, mourn, cry, pray to God and find the strength to forgive.

Black forgiveness is amazing! Black forgiveness is thought to be rare, but in actuality maybe it’s done too much. Well too much if you’re not black. Some say we “Forgive Masa” under the act of praising a white Jesus/God. It makes sense. After all, many slaves were taught “no matter how bad of a disgusting piece of shit human being you are, God will forgive you.” And “God is white and loves you, but he will punish you when you are doing wrong.” It’s the rhetoric of this mighty yet vengeful God that has an odd compassion that may cost you your life that leaves many of us confused. I believe religion is division, so my “deep dive” ends here.

Which one is right? Does the answer depends on how much knowledge of self and history you have? Is it based on what God you pray to? Is it only rooted in spirit and not facts? Does understanding both sides truly help?

These are the types of questions I mill over every time there’s a new black body being slain or laid to rest. Every time there is a new trial. A new verdict whether guilty or acquitted. A new sentencing. The reaction of white, black and other and the stance that everyone is so firm on moving forward with.

How can you not expect and respect “black revenge” if you are truly aware of your surroundings on American soil? How can you truly heal without forgiveness in your heart? Will the blood of others on your hand help you sleep at night? Is there power to be gained in the act rage and revenge?

Again, just questions that flood my mind. There is a fight to be had though. In rage and forgiveness we still must fight. In my view, it’s time to assemble and solidify what we are fighting for. I’m for the war, but war is strategic. It’s not cut and dry and the plans shouldn’t be visible. I have goals for my family and my people. It’s not meant to be consumed on social media. You don’t move with announcements and Q&A. Only action is required.

I’ll close with saying this to all my black people; If you feel rage or forgiveness, you’re right. If you want revenge, you’re right! Your spirit, your knowledge and your upbringing has lead you to that place and you are justified. Just don’t attack the people that look like you over the opposing stance. That’s not what we here to do. Let’s love in the midst of our opposing stance. Don’t make the battle about our opposing feelings. Make the battle of how we stand strong and triumph despite the verdicts we hear and the images we see. You want black power and black progression? Channel that rage, work with the forgiving and acquire power. All aspects of “Black Revenge” is feared. We must never forget that.

A Word for Civilians

It’s ok to be ignorant of the street life, but let’s not accept and condone violations of that world. When you’re in the streets, street rules apply. If you don’t want to live by those rules, stop playing in the streets.

The streets recognize civilians and solider’s. Both can become victims but only one will truly understand why. We outliers and outsiders to that life and those ignorant to the code of the streets can not be the voice of “snitching” and when and why you should do it.

The streets will catch up to every man or woman that chooses to participate in the streets. And for those it is truly no remorse. Only sorrow. Another life lost. Another chance at freedom stifled.

A snitch is a participant in criminal activity, who outs other individuals for doing comparable or worse criminal activity in order to avoid prison time. There is no asterisk or caveat to be added to that. A young person that becomes a victim of his own circumstance is not exempt from that.

What we can do, is provide hope and opportunity. Create activity to keep people out the streets. Teach them that the streets don’t love them and the cycle will never stop. Show young people the power of planning and having a real goal to get out of your unwanted lifestyle and living conditions. Avoid the “hood politics” and the “code of the streets” advice if you are unaware how they operate. Simply show them a better path to get them away from that life.

Photo by https://wikibirthday.com/lawyer-lance/

I Wrote A Letter To My Daughter

This morning, I wrote a letter. I didn’t workout. I didn’t meditate. I just started writing. I did because my mind was too congested with my fatherhood and parenting dilemmas. It makes me angry at times. I was brushing my teeth, talking to myself and angry. Angry with myself, but I know things will be ok if I just weather the storm and continue to make the best out of my unfortunate circumstance.

I wrote a letter to my daughter today. It was explaining why things are the way they are. I admitted my faults, flaws and told my truth. I also let her no why my presence is minimal. She’s only 8 so I can’t send it to her now, but I dated it just as a constant reminder of how long I wanted to tell her the things on my mind about everything. Also to let her know long before she was old enough to truly understand, I’ve been wanting to talk to her about this situation.

I don’t know when I’ll send this letter. I want to make sure it’s age appropriate for her to digest. I also want to make sure that after she reads it, we really talk about it and our lives. Cause the ultimate goal is to get closer and make our bond greater. I want her to know I’ll never give up on our relationship and that she really means the world to me.

I don’t have everyday and multiple hours, but I will always make the most of my time; But it’s so much deeper than saying that.

Why I Stopped Telling My Mom “Happy Father’s Day”

I like many kids grew up in a single parent home. Not a co-parenting environment, unless you count my grandma, but an actual home where one parent does everything. Although my mother never talked down on my father when I was younger, it was clear that his consistent active presence was non-existent in my life. To be honest, I have maybe 5 real memories of him from my childhood that I definitely remember.

As a teenager, I can say that he was trying to build a relationship with me when I got to high school, but I didn’t know how to do that, so the outcome became poor on both parts. A seed of “get what’s owed to you” was planted in my mind, so all I knew to do was ask for things. He came through a couple times, but it was short lived. I assume any man would feel like bouncing out once it becomes clear, money is the only motivation of company. At this time of my life, I can’t say that I’m angry or even hate him. I just don’t know how to do “this”. This being build a father-son relationship. I’m still a child. I don’t know how this works. My friends have active dads, but I didn’t know how to apply that dynamic to my life.

As I get in my later teens and early 20’s, it’s whatever. I don’t feel that I need the relationship I never got with my Father. I think I’m grown and “I got it from here”. I’m wrong, but I don’t know that yet.

I’m happy to say now, I’m in a great spiritual place and I have no beef with this cat…That’s my Pops.

Throughout all these years, I told my mom “Happy Father’s Day”. I think at one point I was even buying her Father’s Day cards. Why? Because that was the glaring narrative that was pushed for “The Fatherless Children”. It was ingrained in our minds to acknowledge the woman who “Play both Mommy and Daddy in the house”. It was a narrative I ran with for years…until I had a child of my own.

I don’t think people know the things I have gone through mentally, emotionally and psychologically being a parent. In someways, I lived my greatest fear and potentially worst nightmare. I had a child without being married with a woman I had no true desire to be with long term. That relationship in itself can’t be summed up in a few words or one post. It was my greatest fear because I didn’t want to be what I had experienced. A predominantly absent father in the life of a child who truly needs me. I built heavy anxiety over this. I had no idea what I would do with this new reality I was facing. Then the relationship with the mother made it worse.

Imagine a person who claims to love you. Love you more than anything and wanting to be with you and wanting to “make a family work” even though you don’t feel the same. You then say, I want to be a parent. A real parent. I help to help and assist in raising a wonderful child, but I don’t want the package that is “us” with that. You put truth and action behind those words and then that person leaves with the child. They begin to make it difficult to see, talk, bond and nurture the child from your perspective. You are given hurdles, hoops, summons, court dates and last minute invites. You’re expected to honor court orders and “do more”, but even 1 hour alone with the child in exchange can’t be done. All of a sudden, you’re not “fit” to be alone with a child, but yet the previous year, you were the one taking care of everybody and you didn’t complain once about it. These type of occurrences happen consistently and for years. What do you do? You’re trying. You are really willing and able to at least give time. You can’t afford a lawyer to get your rights as parent. What will you do?

I can understand the anger, bitter and rage-filled mind those action breed. I can empathize on wanting to give up on every aspect of the situation. I can see why some parents don’t have it in them to continue to fight, endure and deal with the other parent who takes it upon themselves to orchestrate an emotionally charged heart-wrenching gauntlet for reasons that have little to nothing to do with the child.

I’m not saying the above is what definitely happened to my dad. Till this day, I honestly do not know why our relationship is the way it is. But I pray and consistently stay in the fight to make sure that these instances don’t end Layla’s Dad.

Me and you
And you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy togetherrrr…

My soul would crush into a billion pieces, if my daughter told her Mother, Happy Father’s Day. The things I have felt and endured to just get a hug from her. The holding of my tongue and the amount of pride and shit I had to swallow to get the phone to pick up consistently. The action that kept me away from a birthday party that I was still going to make it to even though I was going to be unemployed at the party. Yeah, it would hurt me beyond any words that I can type if she told her mom, Happy Father’s Day.

Again, I don’t know why my Father wasn’t around as much, but the life I have lived as a Father in an undesired situation has made my acknowledgement of women on Fathers Day non-existent. Even for the one I know for a fact had the biggest hand in raising me. She doesn’t need this day. She’s had the other 364. Birthdays, Mother’s Day and Christmas were always a highlight. As a Father, I can tell you it’s been a very long time since I have gotten 24 full hours with my daughter. And the last time wasn’t my birthday, Christmas or Fathers Day to be clear. Through it all, I make it a point to be a presence, make a bond and never leave my greatest creation wondering about me. Yeah, I’m supposed to do that, but you got to live the life to know that sometimes, it ain’t that simple.

My daughter is my life saver. I really didn’t care if I lived or died before her. She gave me greater purpose and it’s an unreal feeling when you can’t connect with your purpose. That’s why I won’t quit. That and cause I know my daughter truly loves me. I know she loves me, trusts me and enjoys our moments no matter how long or consistent they are. That alone will keep me in the fight forever.

For a few years now, My mom has asked, “Why I don’t tell her “Happy Father’s Day” anymore?” I have yet to come up with a reply I think will be understood.

2 Sides of A Woman’s Natural Craving for Vanity

Image by 2719743 from Pixabay

The firestorm of discussion in regards to Ayesha Curry’s statement on Red Table Talk has been…interesting.

On one hand men and some women are baffled by her seemingly glaring insecurity and ungratefulness (their words not mine). Then you have an overwhelming amount of women who are befuddled by the other side not understanding why they don’t understand that a married woman wants to know “she’s still got it”. Then there’s Twitter providing the tear jerking laughs I need in my life right now.

There is so much to unpack here, but it’s no need to turn this into a deep diving think piece about Mrs. Curry. Let’s talk about life and the experiences that anyone can digest no matter the tax bracket or race. Let’s leave it solely at a woman’s natural craving for vanity.

First, let’s come to the grips with the reality of the double standard on the issue of a married woman wanting to be noticed vs a married man wanting to be noticed.

It’s always been there, it’s just never been highlighted. Men historically shouldn’t be motivated by “she think I’m cute”. That’s historically a woman thing. Men are the “Hunter Gather” and women are the “Nurturer”. With nurture comes attention and the need of acknowledgement of vanity. Women are wired to be seen as sunsets, oceans and rainbows. Men are wired with the intent to build and provide. Even “Universally ugly” but successful men will attract beautiful women because they lead a lifestyle of attention and admiration. Women want attention and admiration.

Men shouldn’t be angered by a woman that wants to be seen, acknowledged and desired. They should step back to understand it. Even a woman insecure about her own looks, weight and status in life wants the attention of knowing she is “more” or “better” than what she personally sees. Even a married one. The natural instinct doesn’t change just because the relationship status does. Is this true for 100% of women? No. But nothing is ever true for 100% of anyone.

Why is it a double standard? Allow me to run a short list of men who could not say what Ayesha Curry said verbatim and cause a split in social commentary.

Will Smith
Jay Z
Russell Wilson
Steph Curry
LeBron James
Kobe Bryant
Your Father
Your Uncle
Your Grandfather

YOU

It would be deemed socially unacceptable and disrespectful on ungodly levels for a man to speak this way in regards to wanting female attention. Their partner would be deemed more than enough or too much for that man by women that do and don’t know them and the court of public opinion would dig up every past scandal, break baby and DM to prove that man isn’t shit.

So listen, fellas. Do not try to win the “I want attention too” or “My attention should be enough” game. It’s not becoming of you as a man and well, women who do and don’t know or want you will never honor it. Besides, you’re not built for that type of action. You’d probably lose the relationship you have if you really got all the attention you wanted. That or never have one. That’s honestly why you shouldn’t be in love with a woman more than yourself. You will get lost and literally die trying to appease her craving for allure and vanity. However, you do have to support it

Now, let’s talk about the natural craving women have for Vanity. Social media is the best and worst thing that could have happened to women. It gives them everything they want and don’t at the same time. Those things are control an competition.

On one hand you have beautiful women getting all the attention. Then you have the women who screenshot, “expose” and complain about “dudes being too thirsty and trying to holla”. The women who are seen as “cute or decent” want the “beautiful girl attention” so they may resort to certain tactics to get seen, until the “testosterone charged” attention comes with it. Then it’s time to block, delete or “re-brand”. Lastly, are the women who seemingly “no one is checking for.” They want to be in any tier but the tier they are in. They would welcome the lewd emojis and dick pics but they are deemed “hoes” to the other women that are “tired of getting them”. They have attention, but for them, it’s not enough. Wild part is, no matter how great they look to YOU, THEY will almost always feel they are “not enough”. Men, think about all those unanswered compliments and emojis. Those “read DM’s”. All of that by a woman who will still post about “nobody checking for her”. But you been putting your bid in since High School.

All of it is rooted in the natural need for attention, allure and vanity. It’s why women master angles and delete social accounts. It’s why big girls only post cleavage selfies until they feel body positive enough to post a TBT of when they were smaller or the unfortunate post surgery pics. I say unfortunate because I don’t think any person should do that to themselves. The problem isn’t your body. It’s your mind and how you feel about you. Shout to the BBW’s that have SLAUGHTERED Instagram this year. They showing out! I like it and honor it!

To bring it full circle, Men are blamed for the attention or lack of attention all women get. If you love a nice big booty, girls that don’t even want you, want you to tell them they got a nice booty too. If you love a woman’s hair, lips or outfit, the women around you want that same love or they don’t feel as confident, beautiful and contemplate what the difference is because “we all got the same thing”. And don’t dare tell him “No, that’s different” You might as well prepare your eulogy yourself. How do I know this? Let’s just call it trial and error.

What comes along with Vanity? The chase! Ayesha Curry admitted she’s not on NOTHING! She just wants a man to give her some attention so she can do what she wants with the moment. It will do nothing more than feed her ego and well, men have to deal with that. Single, Married or Complicated, you won’t find a woman that doesn’t want this at some level.

A married woman saying flirt with me in a “no win for you” situation is okay. A married man flirting with no intent to pursue will breed a questionnaire about his wife and if she is okay with this behavior from a world of women that feel a way about what they heard or saw. I don’t make the rules, I just understand them.

I had a young lady once tell me, she enjoys being elusive. That the idea of chasing her and the mystery to who she is was actually the best part of “the game”. After that was revealed and clear, I realized that I was in a no win situation. Sure, I could be as open, honest and forward as I liked, but I was getting nowhere in what I wanted to know about her. WE were getting nowhere, but SHE was getting everything she needed. A man pouring out his heart in admiration, jubilation and pure wanting of her. Great for her and honestly made me feel like the biggest sucker on earth when I broke it down in my mind. I didn’t get angry though. I just got real. I understood what the game was and decided the game was over. It was cool to play because I learned a valuable lesson. End of day, I’m not a man enthralled by the never-ending chase. I just can’t make time and energy for that. Running behind a woman is not me. I wasn’t created for that life. I really hope she finds a man that does though.

As a TMI suggestion for you fellas reading; Masturbate before you talk to a woman like the above and you may find out that she doesn’t like you at all or that you like her WAY MORE than she has ever liked you. When you know, act as your heart and mind tell you too. Dare I say, the goals and purpose you have in your life will help you make the decision as well.

Does every human walking God’s green and blue earth want love and attention? Yes! However, for women it is a life source. Even a poor man can fancy a woman with the right amount of attention. Your girl, wife or daughter will never get enough of your positive acknowledging, so once you start you can’t decrease or stop. It’s best you understand now to avoid an argument later. Yes, men; Keep your focus on your goals, ambitions and success. Cause that attention is also something women desire. A man seen doing well will never get tiresome to a woman. Ayesha has that type of attention too! Yet she fancies the male attention in addition to that.” The greater the lifestyle and attention you can provide for a woman the better.

Women gravitate to the best of the best and that’s in every aspect of life. Ambitious men do too! It’s why a million dollars breeds a hunger for more and why many men are in pursuit of cars, houses and money in every state or country they can get it. It’s bigger than right or wrong in a relationship. It’s the understanding of human nature and what you naturally crave. We are only different when we talk discipline.